CH.13 : Make It To Me

                                    

                                          
So much that I need to say
                          
So much to get off my chest
I'm waiting patiently though time is moving slow
I have one vacancy and I wanted you to know that
You're the one designed for me
A distant stranger that I will complete
I know you're out there we're meant to be
So keep your head up and make it to me
                          
_Sam Smith 
                          
Taylor's POV 
                          
Chase doesn't cry, Chase doesn't fall inlove, but Chase is dead and right now I'm Taylor, Taylor cries and Taylor did fall inlove and that was the stupidest move she's ever done. 
                          
Get a grip on yourself Taylor. 
                          
"Are you sure you don't want to atleast touch me," she asked and I gently shook my head. She moved closer to me and pulled me into her arms, she felt so warm but not as warm as Allison. 
                          
"This is so embarrassing," I sniffled, nuzzling myself on the crook of her neck. Her hands played with my hair and it felt relaxing. 
                          
"I'm not like this you know, I'm not some emotional wreck," I said. 
                          
"You don't have to explain Chase it's okay." 
                          
"No it's not. I'm a fucked up person, I don't even know your name." 
                          
She paused playing with my hair for a couple of seconds then continued. 
                          
"I'm Natalie." 
                          
"I'm sorry." 
                          
We went quiet for some time, just tangled up to each other. I thought about Allison, how she said I was a mistake. That hurt me, that hurt my ego, that fucked me up. But I can't hate her because of that, I still feel the same thing, love or whatever it's called. I very much still want her, I still care about her and I hate that I just left without fighting for her. Josh doesn't deserve Allison, Josh is an idiot, he's just the same as me; well the same as Chase. As much as I like, no scratch that, love Allison...I couldn't bring myself to tell her about the real Josh, the psycho mode Josh, the player like me Josh. 
                          
"I never thought I'd fall in love, I don't know what love is but I know that what I feel for Allison could be it. I've been a player for so long, hurting people, not caring but it's different when I'm with her. I feel like hurting her automatically hurts me. But still even if I like this feeling that I have for her, it hurts cause it seems as if love hurts a lot."
                          
"I'm sorry" 
                          
I let out a ragged chuckle, "It's okay, I'm crazy''
                          
"No you're not, don't give up on her. You're new to this, you're new to love so yes it's natural to think that you're starting to go crazy but trust me that's part of love," she lifted my face to make our eyes meet, "Change is good Chase, don't throw away something that's so rare and beautiful. She deserves you and I'm very sure that she's inlove with you too, it's just hard for her. She only met you not too long ago, she's been with Josh for a long time and she's probably not trying to hurt him."
                          
"I hate who I was, I hate that I'm such a bad person; I used you for sex but...you're great person uhm..."
                          
She helped me with her name, "Natalie..."
                          
"Natalie...thank you so much for this. I shouldn't have left Allison there with Josh. He has proplems like really huge problems and I knew it and I just left." 
                          
"What do you mean problems?" 
                          
"He has bipolar," I said then suddenly something hit me in the face, something called reality. I stood up as quick as possible, "Shit! Josh is crazy, I have to go." 
                          
"Do you think he could...?"
                          
I cut Natalie short, "Yes! He's gonna hurt her. I'm sorry I have to go." 
                          
"It's okay Chase." 
                          
I stopped for a second and looked at her gratefully. She gave me a sympathetic smile. 
                          
I smiled back, "I'm Taylor, please call me Taylor." 
                          
She nodded her head, her smile showing no signs of fading. 
                          
"Go get your girl Taylor."
                          
"I am," I grinned, making my way to the door, hoping that Josh hadn't yet done anything stupid. 
                          
***
                          
What will I say? Am I ready for love? Am I ready to be with Allison and only her? If this is love, then love is powerful. I'm ready to risk everything for her, I am right? There's so much that I want to say to her, so much that I carry in this chest of mine, I want to give her my heart, I'm inlove with Allison, I love her so much and I'm glad that I do cause the me that I'm becoming because of her is the real me, the Taylor me. 
                          
Allison paved way for love to knock on the door of my heart. There was no one, and she became the one. A stranger that woke me up, as much as I was wishing that she be the one that comes searching for me, the one that seeks refuge in my arms, I know she won't. And instead of her making it to me, I'll make it to her. I want her to know that she's the one that I love, I don't give a flying fuck about Josh, he's a grown man; he's going to get through it.
                          
The drive to Allison's was quick, I was driving fast; hoping Josh hadn't done anything stupid. I was driving fast, hoping that Allison won't reject me for the second time. I drove fast and when I arrived, I sat inside the car and wondered. What if Allison never loved me? What if I was just an experiment? What if we're not meant to be? Allison could be different, I don't know her that much. But, I want to do this, experience and explore what I feel. I want Allison so bad, I want to love Allison, I want to take care of Allison, I want to do everything that will show her that I love her and the first thing to do is to woman up and spill my feelings out. Tell her that I love her, cause I do; I really do love Allison...and what I said is insane, falling inlove isn't the stupidest thing I've ever done but leaving Allison when she needed me the most knowing that my brother can do irrational things was the stupidest move ever. I shouldn't have done that, I really shouldn't have.