hello // my story

                                    

                                          
hi!
i wrote this story three years ago in my peak emo phase and probably some of the worst times of my life.
it was my escape and i enjoyed being able to dive in to an alternate reality with people who already helped me a lot and allowed me to have a more personal connection with that.
i never expected this story to have such an impact on the people reading it, and i just wanted to say thank you for reading and i am also so honored that my words may have touched you in some way.
it's so weird reading my work from so long ago, because i've grown so much as a person and writer.
since it's been so long and i'm in a completely different place then i was while writing it, i figured maybe i'd share my story in hopes i could maybe help people or give them hope. i know hope is hard to come by these days and we need it.
                          
so, here's my story.
                          
a lot of people go through different things. one thing may not effect one person the same way it effects another. in no way do i want to say i had it so terribly bad or i had the worst life because that's simply not true. i was so much younger when i wrote this and didn't understand the world as well as i do now. i struggled with depression, anxiety, self doubt, insecurities etc. it took over my every day life and i really thought there was no hope. i couldn't envision myself even finishing highschool. i could barely see myself a week from any given point if that makes sense. i used writing as a creative outlet to somehow express my emotions and also distract myself, while also hoping to simultaneously distract and help other people struggling with similar things. now i could go on and on about writing but if i'm being completely honest, i don't really write anymore. i miss it though, and reading this again (even tho i think it's so bad haha) i kind of want to write again. 
now listen, i know everyone says this but please please just listen.
i promise you, it gets better.
fuck
while writing this story i didn't think i was going to make it. there were so many points i remember writing this and doing something i'd regret later or thinking i'd have to just end everything.
but i made it.
but not only did i make it, but i'm happy.
genuinely so fucking happy.
mental illness does not go away, and neither does all the scars, physical and mental. but you honestly really do learn to cope, and do so in a healthy way. so many things have helped me on my journey to happiness. it hasn't been an easy journey, and it takes a lot of patience but god, i'm happy. i'm still on my journey, and i believe i probably always will be, but i am so so much happier. i look back on my past self and can't even believe i felt what i felt, thought what i thought, and did the things i did. i'm here as living proof it does get better. you find happiness, and hope, and love, and it is the most beautiful thing in the world. i look back at my old self and praise her for being so fucking brave and strong. because if she wasnt, i wouldn't be here right now. i would have missed out on so much great things. i got happy, i started to turn my life in a good direction and it has been so amazing. i met the love of my fucking life and he makes me so happy ( and also does a lot of the same shit i wrote about different characters in my emo fan fics. talk about foreshadowing HAHA). and i'm not saying that relationships make you so so happy and you should depend on them. i'm not saying you can't be happy alone, love is just such a strong thing in my life right now i felt the need to mention it. i never thought love existed, and if it did i didn't think anyone was capable of loving me. i didn't think i deserved it. but fuck i was wrong. everyone, and i mean everyone deserves it. you do. no matter how hard it is you deserve to be loved and cared for and i promise someone always does. and i mean this if you ever EVER need to talk, i'm here. i'll help you as best as i can and i'll try to show you love. you deserve it. fuck life is just so amazing and beautiful. of course i still struggle with mental illness, but it is so SO much better than it used to be. and i just really want everyone to understand it does get so much better. it takes patience and ik that is the worst especially in times of pain but please just know you're going to make it. this is just all over the place and it's 2am but god, please just know you are going to make it.

                          
thank you for reading this story i wrote, cringy as it may be lol.
                          
thank you.
                          
stay alive.