XLVII.

                                    

                                          
Alex's POV
                          
"Calum, I'm. . . I'm so sorry," I say to a near whisper. He looks stunned and in disbelief. "I can't believe that just happened," he says and my heart starts to ache. "I'm such a shitty person. I don't know what came over me," I roll over to face the wall and I feel Calum's hand touch my shoulder. "Your head's messed up, Alex. . ." He tries to make excuses for me but it's all such bullshit. "No Calum, if I really loved Michael as much as I say I do, I wouldn't have done that. And I did, so stop." I hate yelling at him but I'm so angry with myself. "Okay Alex! You and I both know it was nothing. Plus, I kissed you back so you're not the only one at fault here," he yells back and I'm shaking again. "Because I'm the one who kissed you, Calum. This is all my fault. He's going to hate me so much," he goes to speak but I interrupt him. "Calum, I really want to be alone. . .please." He gets off of Luke's bed and shamefully walks to the door, leaving me in the dark room by myself.
                          
Michael's POV
                          
I don't think I'll ever get the look on her face out of my head. How quickly her gorgeous smile faded when I told her to move on. I had to get it over with and I wish she would see that it's in her best interest. But it's so fucking hard, so I can't blame her for being angry. I've been staring down at this stuffed lion for an hour and I'm completely speechless. I'm fighting with myself to stay away from her while Calum looks after her. I can't stand the way I always seem to hurt her. Luke has been sitting on the floor next to me for a really long time just waiting for me to say something. I'm too exhausted to talk. I don't even know what to say. Calum comes out of Luke and Ash's bedroom with a strange look on his face and I feel the urge to ask but I just can't. "How is she?" Ashton asks Calum and I try not to acknowledge his answer. "She's,  uh,. . .she's just going to sleep," my stomach turns because I want to talk to her so bad. But she hates me, I just know it. I've ruined every last bit of our friendship by breaking her heart. "You alright mate?" Luke asks Calum. "What? Yeah, man. I'm good," I think I hear him respond. 
                          
"Did she take her medicine?" is the first thing I've managed to say and I look up at Calum. He isn't even looking at me but I know he heard me. "I gave her migraine medicine but that's it." He's acting really weird but I can't figure out why. "No, goddamnit. I mean her depression medication. She takes it everyday around this time," Calum looks flustered and I have to see Alex. She's gonna hate me but I need to make sure. "Mate, she was about to. .  . cut herself when I found her. I don't think she's taking anything. She's really fucked up," His words knock the life from me and I sit down on the couch. "Don't fucking lie to me, Calum." I'm honestly in awe. She told me she hasn't thought about cutting in so long; that she was feeling better and everything. I can't believe I did this to her. "I wouldn't lie to you, Michael. I'm really freaking out over it," I'm so fucking pissed off. But mostly with myself.  "Then why aren't you in there watching her!?" I shout and Ashton comes between us. "Because I can't,. . ." Calum's face is turning red. "Why not, Calum!?" I ask and his eyes are starting to look wet. "Because I - I fucking kissed her. . ." He starts to sob and slams his fist on the counter. "You what?" I'm two seconds away from swinging at him, if Ashton could get out of my way. ". . .I kissed her and I feel like fucking shit over it. I'm so fucking sorry, she was just really sad. . ." I push Ashton and Luke joins him in holding me. "You fucking prick! Are you kidding me!?" Calum doesn't bother defending himself. "Why the fuck is your shirt off? I swear to fucking god, if you touched her." Now Luke is telling me to calm down but fuck that. "Michael, stop." Ashton yells but there is no way I can just let this go. "I knew you fucking liked her, I fucking knew it." I yell and Calum shakes his head. "Alex is trying to fucking sleep, calm down! Go outside and kill each other if that's what you want. But this fucking stays here, we're not going on tour with this bullshit still going on." Ashton yells and I blow past all three of them. I can't breathe and I need to fucking go. I sit outside by myself and try to calm down. I have to spend all my time around someone I can't even stand looking at. Some fucking friend. Why would he do that to me!? Out of all fucking people. I'm going to fucking lose it. The way he said "she's so fucked up" is playing back in my head. I want to beat the living shit out of Calum but I just can't. I was so stuck on the idea that I drove Alex to cut again but now this. I'm scared for her life. Fuck, I need to be with her. I don't fucking care if she hates me. 
                          
I go back into the house and gently open the door to Luke and Ash's bedroom. Alex is passed out in what looks like a shirt of Ashton's and her panties. Goddamn. The blanket is thrown off of her legs so she must have been hot. Just looking at her calms me down but I'm still so hurt. I remove my boots and slightly shift her body so I'm able to climb into the bed next to her. Her forehead feels hot and her eyes look puffy. I don't know if I should cuddle her so I just lay her awkwardly with my fingers interlaced on my chest. The room is quiet and her gentle breaths are making my heart race. 
                          
My head travels back to Calum admitting to kissing her. My stomach turns at Calum being with Alex or even him touching her. Fuck that, fuck him. Alex moves in her sleep and carelessly puts her ass near my thigh. I roll onto my side and pull her backside closer to my chest. I grab all of her hair and start to comb through it with my fingers. Her hair smells captivating and it's so hard for me to stay away from her. I want so bad to slip my hand inside her panties and hear her moan my name but that just can't happen because I decided to break up with her. I'm fighting with myself so I laid on my back again creating space between us. Soon enough, she rolls over and lays on my chest without realizing. She seems so peaceful and my heart starts to melt. I begin to play with her hair again and she quickly wakes up. It's dark so she has no idea what's going on. "Alex. . ." I freeze because I feel like I'm the last person she wants to wake up to. "Michael? What are you doing here?" She faintly asks half asleep and fuck, she sounds so cute. "I needed to be here with you, Alex." I lightly say expecting her to blow up at me. "Please leave, Michael. That's what you always do anyway," I know her better than I thought I did. "That's not fair, Alex. Please let me stay here with you. . ." I beg and the mental image of Calum kissing her burns in my head and drives me insane. No fucking way am I leaving. I quickly pull her to my lips and she tries to fight it but gives in. She's breathing heavily and I grab onto her ass, pulling her closer to me. "Don't go, Michael. Please stay here, please" she says into the kiss and I'm beginning to feel overwhelmed with so much emotion. "I'm here, babygirl. I'm not going anywhere." 
                          
This is so wrong but it feels so right. Our tongues meet and I have my hands all over her. "Fuck me, Michael." My eyebrows raise at her command and I'm a bit taken back. I can't bring myself to do it as much as I want to. Fuck. "One last time. Please, I need you,. . ." She says and now my heart is beating so fast. Her eyes are shining so bright and I'm hypnotized. Our foreheads meet and I keep thinking about Calum telling me about how she almost cut. "Did you take your medicine today?" I ask and she seems distraught. She looks down at her hands in shame. "I - I stopped taking it. . ." She confesses and goosebumps rise on my skin. "Alex, why would you do that?" I don't want to upset her but I'm so fucking worried about her. "I thought I was okay. . ." She whines. "Okay, Alex, you have to promise me something. . ." She bites her lip and looks into my eyes waiting for me to continue. "You have to get better because you want to. Don't do it for me. I can't fix you, Alex, only you can. Please baby, I don't want you to be sad anymore. You're so strong, you don't even know it." I beg grabbing onto her neck and she starts to pant. I start to cry because I care about this girl so much. So fucking much. "Promise me, Alex. Please, I love you so much," she nods and tears start to fill her eyes. "I promise, Michael. I love you so much," she cries kissing my lips and my heart explodes in my chest. "To the moon and back, right?" She nods, and latches onto my shirt and I lift her on top of me. Luke is going to be so pissed but this is it.