nineteen

                                    

                                          
"What are you doing?" I ask as Kelly pulls away.
                          
"Hey, you were the one who kissed me this time and it didn't seem like you minded too much," he says with a smirk on his face. He's enjoying this, both the kissing, and giving me a hard time.
                          
"No, that's not what I was referring to. I didn't want you to stop." He raises his eyebrows and his smile grows larger. "Stop it." I shake my head at how ridiculous he's being. "That's not what I meant. When I kissed you I....I..."
                          
"Couldn't stop yourself?"
                          
"No," I say, rolling my eyes at him.
                          
"Liked it?"
                          
"Yes, I mean, no." I shake my head in confusion. What am I saying? Did I enjoy it?
                          
"What I mean is...I felt something."
                          
"Well I tend to have that effect on women."
                          
"Can't you be serious for one minute? That's not what I'm saying. I saw images, images of my past, I think."
                          
"Well I've definitely never had that effect on women before."
                          
I ignore his inability to take this seriously.
                          
"The weirdest part is that you were there."
                          
"Are you sure?"
                          
"Positive."
                          
"Well, that doesn't make sense. I mean, I just met you a couple days ago." He turns away from me and rolls onto his back, trying not to look me in the eyes. "It was probably just one of your nightmares."
                          
"Maybe." I feel stupid for mentioning it. "Wait a minute, I never told you about my nightmares." 
                          
"I meant, A nightmare. It sounds like a nightmare."
                          
"So you're saying kissing you causes girls to have nightmares?" I prop myself up on my side, trying to get a better look at his reaction. Now it's my turn to mess with him, which is fun, but behind it is the fact that it doesn't make sense that I would see these things when I'm kissing him. This never happened with Wyler.
                          
"Ha ha," he says sarcastically. "I think you should probably get some rest. You're starting to sound like a crazy person."
                          
"I'm not crazy! In fact, for the first time, things are starting to make sense. I understand now why I've been having these nightmares for so long."
                          
"Enlighten me," he says, staring at the ceiling, trying to act as if he doesn't actually care, but I catch him glance at me from the corner of his eye. I can tell he is interested, even though he's pretending otherwise.
                          
"There's a girl I've been chasing in my dreams, but I've never been able to catch her or to see her face, but I know who it is now."
                          
"Who?"
                          
"My sister. We used to play tag all the time when I was little. And the dark spiraling tunnel that we were running down, I saw something that resembled it on your map." I sit up and point to the map on his wall. "My aunt kept telling me to find the hole, to remember. This is the hole my aunt was talking about."
                          
"Like I said, you sound crazy."
                          
"Kelly, please..." I beg. I need him to stop doubting me, to stop joking around for once, to take what I'm saying seriously.
                          
"Fine." He gives in. Maybe he's just trying to humor me, but I'll take what I can get. 
                          
"Are you sure about all this?"
                          
"Positive."
                          
"I don't like where this is headed."
                          
"This whole time I've been running away, when what I really needed to do was to go back."
                          
"Oh no, no, no, no," he props himself up on both elbows while vigorously shaking his head. I've finally got his attention, but I ignore his resistance.
                          
"New plan. We're not going to the safe house. You're taking me there," I say, pointing to the map.
                          
"You've got to be kidding me."
                          
"I've never been more serious."
                          
"But that's Environettix's headquarters," he replies, befuddled by my idea.
                          
"Precisely."
                          
"So you want me to take you straight into the lion's den?"
                          
"Yep."
                          
"I was right. You are losing your mind." He tries to roll over on his side, but I grab his bicep, pulling him back towards me.
                          
"I'm going," I say sternly. "And you're coming with me."
                          
"Unh-uh. Think again. Not happening." He shakes his head emphatically.
                          
"I'm going with or without you. Although my chances of survival will be a lot better if you're with me."
                          
"Why's that?"
                          
"Because you're working both sides."
                          
"That's right," he responds, fully sitting up, finally realizing that I'm serious. "And as someone who is working both sides, let me tell you that THAT is not somewhere you want to go." He points to the map. "You think they're just going to let you waltz in there? And if so, do you have any idea what they will do if they get their hands on you?"
                          
"There's only one way to find out," I say, unfazed by his scare tactics. I throw the covers back and climb over him, which is when I remember I'm only in a T-shirt. We both stare at one another for a moment while I sit on top of his lap, straddling him. He could throw me back down on the bed. We could go back to making out and forget my crazy plan. I can tell he's considering it, but the moment passes, and I hop off of the bed, grateful that I won't have to find out what would have happened if I had slept next to him again tonight. With the way he was kissing me, I don't think we would have gotten much rest. 
                          
I awkwardly fumble around in the dark looking for my clothes. Then I quickly get dressed and begin to pack up my things.
                          
"Dammit Ever, you're so stubborn! Just come back to bed. We can talk about this in the morning."
                          
"No." I don't have time to waste trying to convince him. I don't want to have to do this on my own, but if that is what it comes down to, then I'm prepared to go it alone.
                          
"Wait!" he shouts, as I throw my backpack on and head towards the door. "I'll come with you."
                          
I can't tell if he's doing it because I asked, or because he'll be in serious trouble with Ivanov if he lets anything happen to me, but regardless, I'm grateful for the company. I don't entirely know what I'm in for, both at Environettix and the route along the way. After all, the whole world is crumbling.
                          
He dresses quickly and grabs his pack, then gives me a look, like, "ok, we're actually doing this," as he reaches for the door handle. But we don't make it more than a foot before we're stopped dead in our tracks. Wyler is leaning up against the wall right outside of Kelly's room. His eyes are bloodshot and filled with hurt. I blush, as if I've done something wrong, but then I remember that he doesn't care about me, so I don't need to feel guilty about sleeping next to Kelly, or for doing...other things. Still, I can't help but wonder why he is propped up against the wall outside of Kelly's room? Was he ordered here by Ivanov to provide more protection, or did he come to talk to me? Was he listening in on what we were saying? Is it possible he's....jealous? But in order to be jealous, he would have to feel something for me. Maybe Kelly is right. Maybe I am going crazy. Why else would I think that Wyler actually cares about me?