twenty

                                    

                                          
"Here," Kelly hands me one of his T-shirts and a pair of shorts to sleep in once we're back in his room. Luckily, I made it back before he noticed I was gone. I'm glad I don't have to explain where I went. It would only add to my humiliation.
                          
He turns around to give me some privacy without me having to ask. The shorts are several sizes too large and fall in a pile at my feet. Screw it, I think as I step out of the heap of clothing on the floor. I climb into his bed and catch Kelly turning around a moment too soon. He catches a glimpse of my butt as I crawl into his bed and this time, it's him who blushes.
                          
"Sorry," he quickly averts his eyes and looks down at the ground. 
                          
"No worries," I say, trying to diffuse the awkwardness that lingers in the air.
                          
He spreads out several blankets on the floor and lies down on his sad little makeshift bed.
                          
"Aren't you going to join me?" I ask, against my better judgement. As weird as it is sleeping next to him, I have to admit that I slept better last night than I have in ages. And at this point, a good night's rest is worth putting aside my pride. I have no doubt that my brain will try to keep me awake tonight with thoughts of my conversation with Wyler, not to mention concerns over our impending departure tomorrow. If sleeping next to Kelly will allow me to get a little shuteye, then a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.
                          
"Is that what you want?" he asks earnestly, propping himself up on one arm.
                          
"Don't make me ask again. It's already embarrassing enough."
                          
For a moment, he contemplates giving me a hard time, but instead chooses to let it go. He pulls up the blanket and slides in next to me. He lies down on his back with his left hand behind his head. His other hand awkwardly shifts around on the bed, not knowing where to land. We lie side by side, staring into the darkness, unable to fall asleep.
                          
"You love him, don't you?" Kelly suddenly says, breaking the silence.
                          
"What?" I'm genuinely surprised by his question. "Who?" I ask even though I clearly know to whom he is referring.
                          
"You know who," he replies. The mattress shakes as he adjusts his body, turning towards me. I roll over on my side to meet his gaze.
                          
"I don't know," and that's the honest truth. "How do you love someone when it's all based on a lie?" I ask, but the question is really directed at me more than Kelly.
                          
He furrows his brow and looks concerned, like I just slapped him in the face.
                          
"I guess that would depend on the lie or why the person lied. If it was to protect you..."
                          
"Is that what you think he's doing?"
                          
"No, I don't mean...what I meant was...never mind." He frowns.
                          
"What? What is it?" I ask, leaning closer. He knows something. Of course he knows something. He probably knows Wyler better than I do. They have a past, one that supersedes mine and Wyler's.
                          
But Kelly doesn't answer me. Instead, he gently pushes a strand of hair away from my face and looks deep into my eyes. Before I know what's happening, his lips are touching mine and the only thing more shocking than the fact that he is kissing me, is that I'm allowing him to.
                          
"What are you doing?" I ask, once I find the strength to stop my mouth, which seems to be acting independently from my head.
                          
"I could ask you the same thing. You kissed me back." He raises one eyebrow and despite the darkness, I can see him grinning.
                          
"I, uh, I don't know why I did that. I'm...confused."
                          
He pulls me closer and brings his lips to mine, stopping just short of making contact. He waits. He looks me in the eyes. It's torture. The best kind. Then he kisses me, again and again. My lips part. I don't fight it. And then something happens. Images flash across my brain.
                          
"Are you less confused now?" he says, once we've both come up for air. The second we stop kissing; the images are no longer there.
                          
"Hardly," I mutter through heavy breaths. I don't know what I'm doing or feeling but I have to see what my brain is trying to tell me, so this time it's me who leans in for the kiss and as our lips touch, the images are there again. It's like watching my life in fast forward, or reverse. There are images of my parents, hugging me, tucking me in at night. My mother singing to me to soothe my pain when I fell off my bike and scraped my knee. Uncle Ben tossing me into the air so high that for a minute it feels as if I'm flying. My sister letting me partake in one of her many science experiments by showing me how baking soda and vinegar will cause a baggie to explode. My brother putting his headphones over my ears, letting me listen to his music, the songs with swear words that my parents told him not to let me hear. Images of tall angry men in white lab coats. Images of the accident. And on and on. An endless stream of memories are flashing too fast to decipher exactly what they are. But the craziest part about what I'm experiencing is that one of the images I keep seeing over and over again is the spiraling pit from my nightmares: the one where I'm chasing a girl that I can't catch. It's followed by images that resemble the map hanging on Kelly's wall, only it's not a map; it's a place that I now recognize that I've been before. It's the reason we're in this entire mess to begin with. And the other image that won't stop flickering through my brain is a face. A face that feels familiar. A face that is part of my past. A face that belongs to...Kelly.