- thirty-four -

                                    

                                          

                            

                                
                            
                              
                                  
                              
                              
                                
                                  
                                  
                                
                              
                             
                            
                            
                          
                          
                          
Hugging my knees to my chest, I stared blankly at Taehyung as he put his clothes back on. 
                          
I said I was okay, but I wasn't. The whole truth was, I was mortified. I didn't want to think about what would happen if I hadn't yanked myself up just in time before Taehyung finished. Unlike other normal women who were responsible enough about their health, I wasn't on birth control. Me and Taehyung didn't use protection. 
                          
How could I be so irresponsible, I scolded myself internally. Dumb and reckless. I dodged a bullet today. 
                          
But did I?
                          
I was a mess. As we lay there on my bed, I could hear Taehyung's breathing gradually becoming deeper. He was falling asleep. 
                          
I rolled around on the bed to look at him. If perfection existed, he would be its embodiment. I stared at the man who owned my whole heart. I had willingly surrendered my vulnerability to him. 
                          
As I contemplated his beautiful features in slumber, I dove into unintentional soulful reflection. Something ached deep inside my chest, and I didn't need to do a lot of soul searching to know exactly what it was.
                          
Taehyung didn't say it back.
                          
Overcome by intense emotion, I had allowed myself to say the four-letter word to him. Although I realized he was by no chance indifferent towards me, a part of me longed to hear him say it. Was it too much to ask? I just wanted a verbal confirmation of his feelings for me.
                          
But it seemed like I wasn't going to get it.
                          
I couldn't lie, it really hurt. While it was evident he felt something very strong for me, I was still a puzzled disaster anytime it came to him. Maybe I was being petty. Or even immature. The way he laid his eyes on me in ways that no one ever could said more than words, but I still needed the verbal commitment he refused to grant me.
                          
Why wouldn't he say it back?
                          
***
                          
Over the next couple of weeks, I could feel Taehyung become progressively more distant towards me. He wouldn't talk as much and spent most of the evenings working late, always coming home after I had already fallen asleep. The usual sweet texts he'd send me during the day became more and more rare and he just became strangely cool and reserved all of a sudden.
                          
While I realized he was really swamped with work, I couldn't help but stress over whether the cause of all of this wasn't my abrupt declaration of my love for him. At work we barely ran into each other, I was always involved in other projects.
                          
Slowly, I was starting to grow self-conscious. I had poured my heart in front of him, and all I got in return was silence.
                          
Dead silence.
                          
My thoughts crashed around my brain. Was he a jerk, or was he just not in love with me like I was? At this point I was beginning to wonder whether he took pleasure in stepping all over my heart.