chapter thirty-nine

                                    

                                          

                            

                                
                            
                              
                                  
                              
                              
                                
                                  
                                  
                                
                              
                             
                            
                            
                          
                          
Eliza
Saint-Sangster Rock doesn't cause me to cry when I sit down on it. 
Instead, all I feel is regret. I regret ripping up the stonecrop Leon and I planted. It was a memory we shared, one that my heart and soul cherish each time I think about it, and I tried to ruin it. When, in reality, my reaction did nothing. I can still remember the creek bed being so rocky and sandy we had a tough time planting the stonecrop. We spent three hours working at it. I can still remember the smile on Leon's face and the way he held my hand as we sat and stared out at the creek. That day is crystal-clear in my head. 
And the memories only continue to migrate to the forefront of my mind. Memories cloud my mind whenever I see a patch of fog along the tree line or a divot in the creek. The geography of Whistler reminds me of Leon. We grew up here together, loved each other, and the memories we share are too powerful to ignore. Our roots are embedded here. Ever since the incident beneath the maple tree, I've been trying to convince myself that Leon's appearance was only to support me and my wedding.
I've been lying to myself this whole time. 
I swallow the guilt and stare at my palms. Any woman would call me crazy for questioning marrying James. James, just like every human being, has his flaws. But he also has his positive characteristics. He never strays from the right path and he's respectful of a woman's career choices; he never judged me for working as a mechanic. The sense of humour he has is one of a kind, and James never cannot make me laugh when I'm feeling blue. James is almost perfect, and that's why I fell in love with him in the first place. When I agreed to marry him, I thought he was everything I'd ever wanted. And before I admitted to myself I'm still in love with Leon, I was trying to convince myself James is the man I want.
Yet, here I am. I'm staring at the aqua-coloured water and questioning everything I thought I wanted two days before the rehearsal dinner. I should be standing beside James and soaking up his genuine love. I should be wrapped up with him and discussing our future; how many kids we want; where we want to live; what we're going to name our pets. I shouldn't be fiddling with the ring on my finger and trying to solve the mystery about how I'm going to break the news to James. I shouldn't be wondering about the ring Leon would've gotten me had life worked in our favour.
Instead of thinking about James, the man who helped an injured stranger to the hospital and decided she was worth asking out on a date, I'm thinking about Leon. Despite the bruises, scratches, and chipped front tooth, James saw something in me. But here I am, thinking about Leon. 
Leon, Leon, Leon.
I slide my engagement ring off and balance it in the palm of my hand, weighing it as my mind reverts to Leon. No matter how hard I try to look past our childhood, I can't shake him away. I can't ignore the sense of adventure he injects into my life or how supportive he is. There's an unexplainable connection between us, and it's survived despite the years we spent apart. For as long as I can remember, Leon has stood by my side and supported me in ways no one else ever could. Even now, with the passing of his mom and the confusion strangling my heart, Leon has stayed beside me. 
Sighing, I remove three bracelets from my pocket. They're rose-gold and made of stainless-steel, and there's writing on each one. After so many years of sitting at the bottom of my jewellery box, it's difficult to make out the letters. The meaning, however, is still there. These bracelets are the ones Leon gave me for my sixteenth birthday, the same night we declared our love for each other. My heart aches as I set them down next to the sparkling ring. The longer I stare at these bracelets, the more I realize how much I still love Leon. I love him so much my lungs strain for air; my blood sings with need; and I crave his touch, his smile, and his laugh. 
But while the bracelets bring back nostalgic, beautiful memories, the ring reminds me I'm running out of time. Leon's right—it's unfair of me to take my time. Their feelings are just as valid as mine, and the longer I fall victim to uncertainty, the more I hurt both of them. I have to tell James the truth. It will not be an effortless task, but I need to approach him as soon as possible. 
I set the jewellery down and bring my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around my legs. Closing my eyes, I think back to the night Leon and I said goodbye. He promised me, with all his heart, he would come back. He's quite a few years late, but he's fulfilled that promise, and I can't take his appearance for granted. Maybe life is giving us another chance at a future together. Maybe life wants us together in order to make up for losing Crystal. I know how much she wanted Leon and I to make it. 
A fresh wave of tears engulfs me.
I wonder what Crystal would tell me if she were here. I wonder how she would suggest I remedy my cold feet and find the courage to tell James the truth. Through all the years of growing up, Crystal and Nathan acted like they were my parents, too, and I can't help but wonder if this is how I'm supposed to repay them. By choosing their son. They did allow Leon and I to have sleepovers until we were in our late teens. They must have seen something true and deep between us.
Picking up the bracelets Leon gave me, I slide them onto my wrist and listen to the melodic sound of them jingling. 
A true friendship is one without an end.
Dream.
Be happy. Be bright. Be unique. 
I trace the dull letters. After everything we've been through, after his return allowed me to get to know him again, I can't see us parting ways. We have a chance to create a life together. I can't give up the opportunity. I don't want our time together to end. 
What I want is to wake up next to him every morning. I want to be with Leon because he makes me a better version of myself. With him, I'm fearless and strong and brave. He encourages me to do what I want and learn from my mistakes. And, even when I drank too much and puked in front of him, Leon didn't judge me. Instead, he held my hair back and took care of me. Over the past seven years, including both the ones where we kept in touch and didn't keep in touch, we've missed out on too much. And I don't want to miss another second with him. 
Standing up, I slip the ring into my pocket and stare down at my bracelets. Telling James I want to call off the wedding will not be easy. He doesn't deserve to be hurt this way. But what he deserves is a woman who will give him every piece of her heart.
Sadly, I'm not that woman.
I choose Leon.
I choose him because he's the love of my life and I don't want to miss out on more time with him. He supports me; he loves me; he wants me to be happy. 
He makes me happy. 
I choose him because my heart has always belonged to him.