16. Hopeless

                                    

                                          
I don't know how long I cried. I don't know how long Loki hold me in his arms. Everything is a haze, nothing feels real anymore. 
Loki takes my whole body in his lap and stands up, carrying me in my room. I keep my head on his chest for the short while. He gently sets me on my bed and kneels next to me. For the first time I look him in the eyes. I don't know if he has cried too, but his eyes were red. He gives me a weak smile and softly strokes my cheek. I open my mouth to speak but immediately burst into tears again. I'm both emotionally and physically too tired to speak or move. 
"Hey, hey, hey.. don't cry. I'll take care of everything. Just give me a second I'll be right back."
He wipes my tears away before turning to leave. I find enough strength to grab his hand. I didn't even think for it to happen, it was almost like a reflex. He turns back to look at me and all I wanted to say was "please, stay with me". But I just couldn't. My grip loosens and he says assuring:
"I will be back soon."
I look after him as he leaves. I notice the green glimmer around him just as he disappears behind the doorway. My eyelids shut on their own and I slowly fall asleep.
                          
My sleep was really intermittent. The sounds of people walking in and out of the house kept me between sleep and reality. I think they carried her body away. 
I wake up to a lovely warm feeling on my stomach. I open my eyes a little and see Loki sitting on the edge of the bed with his hands on my belly. He has a heart warming smile on his face. Then I realize why. My eyes open wide and I grab his wrist. I spit intensely:
"Why are you really here?!"
He obviously took fright because he snapped and quickly pulled his hands free. He looks me in the eyes and says:
"Because of you, I love you."
A part of me is happy to hear that but the second part says he's not to be trusted, that he's the last thing I need in my life.
"How do you know?"
I lay my eyes on the infant growing inside me. Loki understands what I mean. He answers truthfully:
"I made Heimdall to keep an eye on you. I needed to know you were doing okay. And when I heard the news I rushed here immediately."
"You know it's likely that it's not yours? You shouldn't be here."
"I will leave if you can honestly tell me you don't want me here but if it's up to me, I want to always stay by your side."
                          
My heart says to trust him but my brain tells me everything he says is a lie. 
"How can I trust you after everything you did to me?"
"Because I truly believe the child you carry is mine. Even if it wasn't, I wouldn't care. I want to take care of both of you."
"I don't need your help."
I say, my voice sounding colder than I intended. He does sound sincere but I didn't want him to throw his life out for me.
"I know you don't, but I'm offering it anyway."
                          
He hasn't turned his sight from me for even a second. I trust he's talking from his heart but I don't know how to respond. He stands up to leave but I grab his wrist and say "I love you too..." I can see the sparkle of happiness grow in his eyes. But the light shifts in a heartbeat and his face screams fear. "What's wr-" Before I could finish my question he blocks my mouth with his hand.
Then I hear it too. Soldiers metallic armor clinking as they start raiding the house. A knife appears out of nothing to Loki's hand and he gives it to me. I quickly open the window and start making my way out, Loki climbs behind me. I jump on the grass and turn back to see Loki being dragged back in by one of the soldiers.
"Run!!" He yells but I don't listen. I take the knife and gash open the soldiers arm. They immediately let go and I help Loki out.
"I'm not leaving you!" As soon as he's out we start running as fast as we could. Loki whistles for his horse that comes full force running to us. He jumps on the horse while it's still running and offers me a hand. I grab it and he pulls me on the horse. 
I don't understand what's happening. Loki just keeps on making the horse go faster. I'm feeling dizzy. The soldiers yells faint away as we get further into the forest. Why are they even after us? Someone in the palace is furious at our love. I only have two guesses. It's either that Allfather doesn't approve of this relationship or that Thor somehow found out. Maybe it's both.
                          
"I think we're far enough for now."
Says Loki as he slows the horse down to walking speed. I ask him carefully:
"What was that?"
"It has to have been Heimdall that told my father. No one else should know."
"But why would they come after us? What are they going to do? What are we going to do?!"
"I'm not sure but I guess it would bring a lot of shame to the royal family if there were a child born without full royal blood and outside of marriage. If I know my father at all, he'll stop at nothing to find us. It's going to be okay though, trust me. We just need to escape."
"Escape where?! Asgard is too small to hide in from the whole kingdom!"
"Who said we're going to stay here?"
I'm unable to answer. Is he talking about fleeing to another realm? That's insane. The dizziness grows in my head.
"Stop!"
Loki immediately stops the horse, not really understanding what's going on. I jump off and grab on the nearest tree to hold myself up. 
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fi-"
Before I could finish, I throw up. I don't know if this is because of stress or sickness or because I'm pregnant. Loki jumps down to come and hold my hair. 
"You're not well. Let's go to the cabin."
I take a step back and the world goes dark...





                          
"Hey... Darling, you need to drink some water. Wake up."
I slowly open my eyes to see Loki holding a glass of water. I look around and see that he had brought me in the cabin. I must have blacked out.
I take the water and drink the whole glass. 
"We need to leave soon, they can find us any minute now."
"Didn't we just get here?"
"No, it's been six hours since you blacked out. You really should eat something."
"WHAT? Six hours! Why didn't you wake me up earlier?"
"You needed the rest for what's going to happen."
"Wait, you were talking about leaving Asgard! Where are you planning to go?"
"We are going to Midgard. It's the only place where we blend in perfectly."
"Are you crazy!? Midgardians, the humans are weak and so behind our technology."
"We'll just have to get used to it because we can't stay here. There isn't any wars and it's big enough for us to hide without Asgard ever finding us."
I nod. It's not like I had a choice. I could stay here and go to prison if I get lucky enough to not get a death sentence or live a full life with the person I love and have a family. I don't even hesitate. 
"Wait, isn't the only way to Midgard through the bifrost?"
"Yes, but I'm almost certain that Heimdall will listen to reason when we get there."
"I trust you."
He smiles and gives me a kiss. It was filled with love. 
                          
Soon we were on our way to the bifrost. We're going by foot so we have a lesser of a chance to get caught. Luckily it's starting to get dark because it's already evening.
                          
"Have you ever been to Midgard?"
I ask Loki. He smiles and answers:
"Yes, I actually have a couple of times. It's a beautiful place. The people can be quite dull but somehow still lovable. The most interesting part is that they don't know we exist. They think they're on the only planet that has life on it. At least majority of them."
"Interesting. What were you doing there?"
"I go with Thor whenever he wants to go summon the lightning."
Thor... The only person I really didn't want to think about now. There's still that one braincell pounding in my head about how this child could be his. If it were, this would be wrong. It's not morally right to take someone's kid away from them or hide the kids whole identity. Loki sees me wondering off in my thoughts and grabs my hand.
"We are going to be okay."
I can't but smile. I don't understand where he gets all this optimism.
                          
We finally arrive at the rainbow bridge. It's the most dangerous place for us to be at but it's the only way. We don't have any cover so we just have to walk quietly but quickly, unnoticed. 
We're halfway through, nearly tasting the freedom when we hear Thor.
"Stop right there!"
We turn around to see Thor 50 feet behind us. Loki covers me and knives appear in his hands. He yells at me.
"Run!"
I start running towards the bifrost. I hear yelling behind me and I look back just to see how Loki dodges mjolnir. I realize too late the hammer is coming straight at me. So does Thor. It hits me straight on the stomach. Thor manages to pull the hammer back but it's already too late. I crash on my bag, hurting my spine. But it's the least of my worries. The pain is too much, I try to sit up but I'm too hurt. All I see is blood... The blood is coming between my legs. THE BABY! MY CHILD! 
"CAITLIN!"
They both yell my name but my brain blocks them out. All I hear is ringing in my ears. There's so much blood. I can't move. It hurts. I look up for hope but only see Loki and Thor's worried faces, next to each other, both apologizing, calling for help and trying make me lay down. 
There's no hope left.