"B-but they love me!"
"Or maybe they don't."
A NamBTS Fanfic💜
Started: May 20th, 2019
Completed: Feb 2nd, 2020
NOTE: I do not own any characters. All the characters are either fictional or their names are used for story purpose. Some of the scenes...
Yoongi's piano cover of I need you played on the TV as namjoon sat on his bed, humming along with the song tune. His thoughts were all over the place as he did so. He remembered those times when him and taehyung used to sit on the couch in yoongi's studio, listening to the eldest rapper play soft, melodies with his piano.
At that time, he didn't have to be suga, nor August D. He was Yoongi, Min Yoongi. Without a facade, without a certain persona, he could play the tunes he absolutely loved.
Namjoon remembered how him and taehyung would giggle talking to each other simply because they could. Everyone knew that yoongi had a soft spot for the two. Well, he had a soft spot for each of his boy-friends. However, a certain memory made namjoon smile a bit more than the others did.
"Namjoonie!!!", taehyung whined as namjoon laughed loudly. Chuckles were heard as the two ran around the living room, disturbing everyone.
"Yah! Namjoon! Taehyung! What are you doing!? Istg I'll kill you if any of my things broke?", Jin hissed which made hoseok laugh loudly.
"You really said Istg out loud!", he whined childishly when he earned a smack on the head for that.
Namjoon was actually running around the house with taehyung behind him with his DVD full of....not very appropriate stuff. He wanted everyone to know how perverted the younger was. Well, he wouldn't actually show anyone if the younger didn't consent buy there wasn't any harm in teasing, right?
It was all giggles and smiles until namjoon tripped on nothing with a loud crash.
Gasps were heard as everyone tried to comprehend the situation. Taehyung immediately hurried to scoop namjoon onto the couch. Cherry liquid gushed out of his knee as his eyes turned watery.
He was treated with lots of love, lots of cuddles, kisses and of course, cookies!!
From that day onwards, namjoon had become extra clingy but no one really minded.
One day, though, when namjoon saw jungkook laid lazily on the couch, he quickly skipped towards his youngest boyfriend. He was smiling happily as he saw jungkook sleeping.
Without wasting a minute, he climbed on top of the maknae.
After a few minutes of laying still, namjoon squeaked and quickly climbed off of jungkook when he heard the brunette grumble.
Jungkook was still sleepy, and a sleep jungkook meant a very very angry and annoyed jungkook. So, before he knew it, he snapped at the elder.
"For god's sake, hyung! Get your fat ass off of me, you're heavy, goddammit!!", he shouted, not very loud but enough to make namjoon flinch and cower in fear.
Jungkook seemed to come back to his right senses when he saw Namjoon's eyes water. The youngest rapper quickly got up and ran upstairs with a sad crying face. Jungkook called out for him but he didn't look back.
"Hyung, wait! I didn't mean to-"
Namjoon winced at the memory and suddenly, all the thoughts, the voices that he had managed to keep out of his mind, started coming back.
He ran to the bathroom at bile rose up inside his mouth. Standing infront of the sink, he threw up despite not eating a full meal for what felt like, there months? Four? He had no idea. He stood infront of the body mirror and his eyes watered as soon as he did. They were right. Jungkook was right. He was fat. His legs were way too tall and his cheeks were way too chubby. He was ugly.
He fell on his knees as he cried harshly. Sobs wrecked his body as he shivered on the cold floor. After some time of crying, he dragged his overly heavy body near the bathtub. His head was pounding with the menacing headache he had. Slowly stripping off his clothes, he entered the tub, starting the tap of water.
He hissed as the cold water hit his skin. He grabbed his ever shiny, beautiful blade and dragged it slowly over his left index finger, as if to test the waters. It was still as sharp.
He slowly dragged the cutter through the base skin of his bicep, breaking the skin until red liquid oozed out from the cut. He stashed it over his forearm and sighed in pain and pleasure as the cut burned his insides.
A giddy feeling passed through him as he looked at all the artwork he had done. All the water around him had turned red. The metallic smell, a blessing to him.
Beautiful.
The voice. It spoke again. This time however, namjoon wasn't scared. He was rather welcoming. After all, he had nothing to lose now.
"I know", he whispered as if the voice is a person. A person, who can read him like an open book. His smile was truly contagious. But at it the same time, it had an malicious glint to it. With his dimples popping out and eyes turning into small crescents, his smile was nothing less than innocent but the darkness in his eyes gave away the pain and suffering, the evilness.
Two years ago, namjoon would've never thought that he'd ever have to see this day. He thought- he knew. That things were going to work out. He knew that whatever happens, his boyfriends, his soul mates would never leave him, alone in the dark.
A pained sob left his chest as he realized that that was all happening. The thing he had feared the most but never gave much thought to it. Because of his trust. But now that the trust broke, he realized that promises were just words. There was no such thing like forever.
From the floor, he picked up his phone, starting his playlist.
Soft melodious tunes played from the device for sometime as namjoon basked in the soothing feeling. Suddenly, he heard it. Jimin. His voice coming from the phone. His Jimin's sweet and cheery voice.
"Namjoonie hyung, I love you"
Namjoon picked up the phone and threw it on the glass, shattering it into millions of pieces.
"NO, YOU DON'T!!", he screamed as more tears slipped down his cheeks.
"nobody does..", he whimpered and cowered back in fear, in need of protection, voice barely above a hush as he pulled his knees to his chest.
He didn't plan on suffering for another day. He breathed deeply and closed his eyes, leaning into the water.
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