Chapter 15

                                    

                                          
 I landed back onto Canadian soil and felt my lungs inflate as if for the first time. I didn't know why but even though I'd immensely enjoyed all the cities I'd travelled to, there was something different about coming home- it was as if I'd finally reached the place where I truly belonged. Call it being sentimental or whatever else, I knew the place that truly meant home, even though I hadn't exactly been born in that particular city.
                          
 I rode up in the elevator, tired and leaning against the walls, my bags on the floor next to me. The tiny space -or maybe it was me- swayed and moved dangerously. I didn't know if it was because I was officially losing it or if it was thanks to the flask that Nat had bought me and I'd filled with whisky before the flight and downed before we'd even been close to touching down. I had a odd feeling it was the latter. Hell, I knew it was the latter. 
                          
 As I felt myself reaching for my keys as I was leaving the elevator, I had an odd feeling of karma come over me. I stopped in my tracks, raising a hand to my head and using it to push back my hair; the hallway blurred even when I narrowed my eyes. 
                          
 "What the-?" I muttered. The hair in my eyes was pushed back, the bangs rising up as if on their own accord; my eyes, I knew from the mirror in the elevator, were bloodshot and scratchy; my clothes hung on my slight frame, looser than when I'd left with them, all thanks to the diet pills I'd chased down with Red Bull, though I would never admit that to anyone. But on days when I was taking three to six meetings, as well as various shoots and appearances, I barely had enough time to swallow a cheese cube, how would I have found the time to have a proper meal- or even a sandwich?
                          
 Carbs, I thought with a wince.
                          
 My empty stomach churned unpleasantly and I knew whatever was coming was not good. And I wasn't even talking about a hangover.
                          
 The pills had been the way to go. They were quick and easy, no one would have been the wiser. No one could prove what I was swallowing and, as far as the fashion industry was concerned, no one cared. The best thing about the pills though was the fact that they made you feel full, like you'd just enjoyed the best steak in the world with a nice side of whipped potatoes. Potatoes filled with carbs. And the guilt never followed! Never did I ever have to feel depressed or like I'd let myself down because I ate too much. That wasn't the concern, ever. They were like the best medication ever invented.
                          
 My phone vibrated. It was Nat. 
                          
 Did you land okay? the message said.
                          
 I stopped in the middle of the hallway. There was no way I could walk and text. First of all, I didn't have enough hands to carry my luggage and text, and two, I wasn't in the state of mind to multi-task.
                          
 Yes.
                          
 How's Liam-poo? the response came back at once.
                          
 Again, my stomach churned, this time for a whole different reason.
                          
 Liam and I had not talked since I'd left, or even when I came back from that day out with Nat. He had not been in his hotel room when I knocked and we hadn't come back on the same flight- or if he had indeed come back. For all I knew he could still be in New York.
                          
 I don't know, I wrote back, and I don't care. Brb.
                          
 I slipped the phone into my pocket and rested both palms against the wall. The room was still spinning, my forehead was breaking out into a sweat, my bangs plastered against my face. I panted and tried to take deep gulps of air, but my breath felt oddly warm against my hands. Gasping, I plastered my body against the wall, leaning completely on it for support, and closed my eyes. I willed the nauseous and sick feeling in my stomach to pass but after a moment or two, I knew it was no good.