twenty four

                                    

                                          
I heard a knock on my hotel room and begrudgingly slid on my flip flops to go open for Samantha. "Awe Isa no," she pouted taking in what a mess I probably looked like.
                          
"It's whatever," I said patting my face.
                          
"No, it's not," she said pulling me into a hug. 
                          
"Are you okay though?" she questioned me with sympathy. And you know what they say, you're okay until someone asks if you're okay and that's when you break down. I nodded and felt my throat tighten. She instantly pulled me into a hug and I began to whimper and full-on cry. 
                          
"I'm sorry," I said sniffled. 
                          
"There's nothing to be sorry about. It's completely understandable but, explain everything because Johann only told me bits of it. You didn't actually break up with him, right?" She questioned as she rubbed my back. 
                          
"I broke up with him," I hiccuped. 
                          
"What?" She gasped her eyes widening. "Are you sure you want to do this?" 
                          
"I don't know," I groaned. "I obviously still love him but, I'm hurting," 
                          
"Yeah well anyone in your position would," 
                          
"He didn't actually do anything with her though," I reasoned. "He almost did but, he didn't," 
                          
"You have reason to be upset," she added. 
                          
"I think I wouldn't have been as upset. I mean I would have been upset but, he should have just told me, you know,"
                          
"Yeah the sneaking around made it worse," she grimaced as she twirled the ends of my hat around her fingers. 
                          
"I think that we just really have to talk everything through," I explained to her how we were supposed to do a lot of appearances because of how that video blew up. 
                          
"It's a very cute video. Listen Bella, if it was anyone else, I'd say fuck him. You know fuck Joel for hurting you like this but," she paused putting her hands up "it's you and Joel and you guys love each other and I've always said that you two were going to get married and have lots of cute kids," she said sticking out her bottom lip. I laughed and nodded. 
                          
"Me too," I said nibbling on my bottom lip. "I clearly dint want things to end and neither does he but, I just need to think about it," 
                          
"You do what you think you need," she said kissing me in the side of my head. I was so glad that her and I became friends. All of my friends were back home and it wasn't the same to just have them text or call me. I nodded and glanced over at my phone as it buzzed indicating that I had gotten a text. From Joel. 
                          
"Let's just go get our nails done," I said sliding my sunglasses back on to my face. 
                          
"Whatever you want, you gotta look good for tonight," she winked. I gave her a weak smile and followed her out the door. 
                          
She tried cheering me up the whole car ride there and I tried my best to enjoy the moment. At the nail salon there were moments I almost forgot what was going on between him and I because Samantha was doing such a great job at distracting me. I loved the way my nails turned out.
                          
•••
                          
I thanked Samantha and hugged her goodbye with one arm as I got out her car. "I'll see you at the after party Sammy," I said. 
                          
"Can't wait!! Round 2 here we come," she laughed. 
                          
"I don't know how you have so much energy. You were wasted yesterday," I laughed at her. 
                          
"I'm just amazing like that," she said blowing me a kiss. I shook my head giggling and closed her car door. 
                          
"Love you," I singsonged. 
                          
"Love you more," she shouted. I made my way to the hotel room and threw myself on the bed. I started to plan out how I was going to make use of my time until I had to get to the awards show. I had to get my hair and make up done within the next two hours and get dressed within the next three hours in order to get there on time. It was a little stressful but, I had faith. I pressed on the on/off button to turn on my phone. I stared at Joel's text message that looked awfully long and reluctantly clicked on it. 
                          
I wanted to start off my saying I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not only this but, everything else. I'm sorry for making you wait around for me. I'm sorry for making you feel the way I do. And I know that if I was in your position I would have reacted the same way. I should have told you but, I didn't have the heart to do it. Things were going so well. I didn't want to ruin it. Isa, no one is ever going to compare to you and I feel like I'm rambling now. I don't know, I don't want to picture my life without you. Because even if we're not physically together all the time. I love being able to call you mine. Well I loved being able to call you mine. There's just too much history and I don't think I can let go that easily. I can't let go of you just like that. I just can't. So please don't ask me to. I'll go insane, I'm going insane right now, knowing I can't kiss your pretty lips of yours without you being okay with it. It's only been a couple of hours since you broke up with me and I haven't seen you smile. And I love your smile. You have a dimple on your left cheek and it tugs at my heart each time I see it. Loving you is the best feeling I have ever felt and I will probably ever feel. It can sometimes be the most painful thing ever but, you loving me and looking at me with your hazel eyes makes it all worth it. My head spins and my heart jumps when I see your beautiful face. I don't know when exactly when I figured out that I fell in love with you because it happened all at once and it wouldn't stop even if I wanted to. I always want to be the guy who's arm you grip on during a horror movie. I want to be the person you go to when something's wrong. I want to be the only guy you tease and ask those questions that drive me crazy. Isa, you're so beautiful, hot and cute all at the same time. I fall for you all over again when you give me that 'I dare you to look away look' your hazel eyes look at mine and I feel whole again. Or when you lick your lips right before your about to kiss me. I love how you're always stealing food of my plate or out of my hands. The way you make me pinky promise for every small little thing. When you wear my t shirts and how they barely cover your butt. The way you run your fingertips through my curls and pull my face close to your chest. Your sweet scent that I miss whenever we're not together. Isabella I could go on and on but, what I'm trying to say is that I'm in love with you. I fucked up and I'm sorry but, you're the only girl for me. I pinky promise. 
                          
I smiled and held my phone close to my lips. I knew that I loved him, I didn't have any doubts about that. I never did. 
                          
I love you. I responded. 
                          
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