Chapter 1: I understand, I really do

                                    

                                          
Trigger warning: In this fan fiction, there will be very dark storylines about TJs state to do with things like cutting/suicide/abuse there will also be things on Cyrus' end to do with anxiety/self-hate. If any of these things trigger you then to not read any further. There will also be some inappropriate language.



                          
TJ POV:


                          
Tears streamed down my cheeks as I ran to the bathroom. 
                          
'Fuck it.' I whispered to myself, grabbing a razor from the side and inhaling deeply. 
                          
Did I really want to do this? I exhaled, yes. Holding the razor to my arm, I inhaled sharply, cutting a line  across my forearm. The pain brought a sense of relief and desperation to feel more. I stroked my arm with the blade a few more times until the blood was dripping down my hand and in between my fingers. So glad, I was so so glad. Smiling sadly, I dropped the blood stained blade and sat on the bathroom floor, staring as my arm lost more and more blood. My heart burned with guilt. Why do I want to do this to myself? That's easy. I'm gay. My parents probably wouldn't even care if they knew, they'd think I deserve it. When I came out to them, they didn't take it well at all. I suppose that's why I started to be this way. I just feel as if I am a total disappointment, that my entire existence is just pointless and that I waste everyone's time. Yet I just decide to keep living, to force people to put up with me when I could just rid them of their problem. Me. No one would care, my family hate me now and my friends, if I can even call them that, are only my friends because they'd be mean to refuse to hang out with me. Apart from that I have no one. I do this to remind myself how worthless I am, just in case I forget. How no one cares. Sighing, I reached for the black towel on the side, wrapping my arm in it and holding it tight. It was a while before the bleeding subsided and I was able to withdraw the towel. I examined the fresh wounds I had created only minutes ago. Good. I threw the towel on the side again and pulled down the sleeve of my sweatshirt. Just as I left the bathroom, I heard the front door open. Quickly, I scrambled into my room, locking the door behind me. 
                          
Hearing the commotion, a voice yelled, 'It's just me!' 
                          
The voice was recognisable as my older sister Amber. We have a...some what complicated relationship. My family used to be ok, really good in fact. That was until I had to go and tell them I'm gay. After that I've been treated as nothing more than a stranger who just happened to be living there, that's what I felt like anyway. But what about Amber? Surely she'd be ok with it? She knew I was gay before I told mom and dad, and she supported me, past tense. I understand why she just watches, watches me be verbally and physically abused by our parents. She's scared, I understand that I really do. But she doesn't even support me behind their backs, she acts as if I'm not there most of the time. I hardly see her anymore. It just makes me feel more alone than ever. 
                          
I sighed, 'ok.' 
                          
I waited for a while to see if she was going to even talk to me. As usual, she didn't. My heart ached as I nodded to myself. So that's how it is huh? Tears threatened to spill from my eyes again as I tried to clear my head. Sitting at my desk, I took my basketball pen and started to write. Writing is the only thing that seems to stop me from having bad thoughts. I feel like I'm good at it, something I'm actually good at other than basketball. It's just so easy to live through the characters your writing, feel what they're feeling, think what they're thinking. All my problems just melt away. That's why I like it so much. During the day, if my thoughts get really bad, I'll just think about what I'm going to write when I get home, then I'm better. Kind of like a coping mechanism I guess. My pen met the paper as I continued my current story. My writing style varies from poems to novels, everything in between, my favourite being poems but I've started to be more into an on going story. Nobody really knows about my writing, it's just something personal to me, I don't really feel comfortable with it being shared. I mainly write about my feelings. I put my headphones and clicked the first song on my playlist. Music related to what I'm writing also makes me feel like I'm really there. My song blurred a little as my phones buzzed, I loosened my grip on my pen and looked at the message. It was from Reed. 
                          
Reed🍉: Me and Lester are going down to the track to bike, you in?
                          
I stared at the message for a few seconds. I'm not really in the mood to go, don't get me wrong, I like my friends. I just don't think today's my day. Then again...they know how much I love biking, they'd get suspicious. I'll just go, I need something to distract me anyway. Maybe adrenaline is all it takes? 
                          
TJ🏀: Yeh sure, be there in 10 
                          
Sliding my phone into my pocket, I made sure to close my book. I put my shoes on and ran down the stairs to leave through the front door. Unfortunately, I was greeted with my nosey sister. 
                          
'Where are you going?' She asked, getting up from the sofa.
                          
I shrugged, 'Why do you need to know?' 
                          
She furrowed her brows, 'TJ, don't be like that with me!' 
                          
I rolled my eyes, 'Whatever.' Slamming the door behind me, I took my dirt bike out of the shed and rode it to the track. 


                          
Cyrus POV:



                          
I was having to listen to Buffy and Andi talk about their problems, something I was used to by now. I've been doing it for 10 years. Don't get me wrong, I love love love my best friends, they're the most important people in my life. I just wish they would...pay attention to me sometimes. It's like I'm the supportive gay best friend, I want my own storyline! But as always, I was sat politely listening to my friends depiction of a hard day. 
                          
'I'm so mad!' Andi scrunched up her face as she furiously crammed taters into her mouth. 
                          
'Why?' I asked on cue, as usual. 
                          
Buffy shook her head, 'Let me guess.' 
                          
'Jonah.' I finished her sentence. 
                          
Jonah Beck, most would say he's the complete dream, sporty, attractive and absolutely amazing at singing. For those who knew him however, they'd say the same but...the boy has flaws like the rest of us. I used to have the biggest crush on Jonah, it's actually what made me realise I was into guys but with time, my feelings changed. It was painful to watch Andi and Jonah have a relationship right in front of my eyes whilst I was having an identity crisis and having to listen to Andi rant about her relationship problems on top of everything else. From what I've heard, Jonah isn't too good with relationships, commitment seems to be an issue for him. Which is fine but...not for the toxic relationships he's had. 
                          
'What's he done this time?!' Buffy chuckled, slurping on her milkshake. 
                          
Andi's eyes widened, 'I'm just annoyed he was 'too busy' to go to the spoon with us today!' 
                          
I replied hesitantly, Andi was like an explosive bomb right now, very close to going off, 'I'm pretty sure he would come if he could, I remember him saying something about a guitar lesson with Bowie so...' 
                          
Andi groaned, 'Dad didn't tell me!' 
                          
Buffy raised an eyebrow, 'Whats the sudden interest in Jonah anyway?' 
                          
Looking guilty, Andi avoided eye contact. Me and Buffy gave each other a knowing look.
                          
'No way!' I smiled.
                          
'You like Jonah again?' Buffy smirked.
                          
Andi looked at us, obviously trying to find the words, 'I don't! And even if I did, you know how it went the last time, how do I know it won't be the same?' 
                          
Buffy responded, 'You can't, Mr Docsious Magocsious isn't the smartest of the lot.' 
                          
I nodded, 'it's true, the other day I used the word Usurp and he thought it was a vegetable.' 
                          
Buffy and Andi looked dumb-founded, 'Wow' they said in unison. 


                          
Sorry to be so dark, I promise things will get better for TJ