Out Of Love

                                    

                                          
Nova
"Oh, Sweetie!" My mother storms into the room, hugging me tightly. 
My emotions get the best of me and I burst into tears. "Mom... He is gone, I told him... it's my fault." I sob. 
"Sssh" She puts my hair behind my ears and holds my face in both hands. "Nova, it's not..." 
"No, no! Don't defend me!" I pull myself out of her grip." You don't understand, It is my fault. He deserves so much better than me. I... I just believed it, without... He is better off without me. "
I'm struggling through the tears." Mom... I can't... breathe... I."
"Poppet, look at me and stop talking. Breathe in, breathe out." She mom's me like I'm a little girl again. 
I'm shaking all over, sobbing and fighting against the panic rushing through me. I feel the skin on my leg painfully stretch when I huddle my arms around my legs and bury my face between my knees.
It's better for him, I had to let him go. Isn't that what you're supposed to do when you know you're hurting someone by staying with them. Depriving them of a better life. Isn't that the biggest sacrifice you can make out of love? Letting him go because you love him. 
A cry filled with unbearable hurt echoes through my room. 
Was that me? 
My father and Dallas barge in, both with a shocked look on their faces. 
I guess it was me. 
"What's wrong?" My father asks worriedly. 
It feels like my heart is ripped out and tore into pieces, scattered around on the floor. I let out another cry realizing it will never be whole again. Matt took a shattered piece with him when he closed the door behind him. 
I hear my mother whisper and feel the bed dip, followed by an embrace that can only be from my father. He tries to comfort me in Spanish but it's a lost cause. I want Matt to come back. 
My parents brought me home when I was released. I suspect the nurses for giving me some sort of calming medicine. I slept like a baby in the hospital. Now, I can't even close my eyes without Matt standing in front of me. 
Every night I lay awake and when I fall asleep, I pray for the lord to take my soul before my nightmares kick in. 
I never thought a broken heart could kill you. Now I'm a believer. I swear my heart is unable to be healed and I suspect the stress has given me a stomach ulcer. Feeling emotionally broken and physically burned out with nausea surprising me in the most unexpected moments. 
I would rather fall asleep without waking up again. I know it sounds harsh but each day is hell. I wish I could turn off my feelings or get amnesia. I want to feel nothing at all, remember nothing at all, and be numb like a doll. Because honestly, I don't know how long I can bear this misery that never seems to end.
The only high light at the moment is, Dallas. I try to be pleasant when he is around. It's so hard and I don't want him to know how depressed my thoughts are. And I'm only able to sleep when he is around. It's stupid really. 
The first week he came over so much that Hannah got sick of him and threw him out. The look on his face was priceless and I have to admit, that was the first time I laughed since all this shit. When I decided to go back to work he didn't like it all. I'm going crazy with only the tv and Koda to keep me busy. I need another distraction. So, tough luck for him when he tried to keep me home. 
Not to mention the text messages I get each week. I know for sure it's Dean. I'm not scared of him anymore. For now, I'm ignoring him. I feel the anger build up when I read the messages and what's the worst he can do, kill me? I don't see any reason to live right now, so come and get me, Dean. For real, I'm begging you.