Memories, Nightmares and Life

                                    

                                          
The doctors can see it, they finally realize. I am becoming legally classified as an insane person. I can't cope with reality, suicide is my only thought. Every waking moment, all I ever think about is how I can die so I don't have to think about something I don't even know. I am at the breaking point. 
                          
My thoughts are rapid, my mind is spinning like a whirlwind mixed with a tornado. I can't be contained. My thoughts are upside down, I don't know the difference between reality and the nightmares, the memories, I believe. The doctors finally take note of this, just one session, just one moment in time. I can finally be set free. My family is now allowed to interpret my dreams and tell me the good. The bad, sadly I'll have to figure it out. Some people can live with it but that's because they don't have dreams, nightmares. Dreams about things they've never seen or heard, memories that are there but in flashbacks. 
                          
I haven't eaten in days, I haven't slept in days and I haven't gone to school in days. I am losing touch with reality. That evening I am tied to the hospital bed, my family right there next to me. Tears in their eyes, my state's unbearable for them to see. "Hannah, tell us what is in your dreams please,"my mum says kindly. "I remember dying, having three families and losing people I loved,"I say with tears in my eyes and frustration clear in my face. "You did die Hannah and you lost a lot of people,"my father says and continues, "but let's start from the beginning, ok?" I just nod. My brother say, "We're not leaving out any details Hannah. We can't see you like this. We want you to be yourself again." Sadness is evident in his voice as he speaks to me.
                          
They relate the whole story, from torture, to running, to bombs, to the death of my family, to the death of Timothy, to the death of Tobias, to my death, to my revival, to my amnesia. I couldn't recall it at all. At least I knew why I was and am depressed. The only way I'll be helped is when I remember on my own. I need to clarify everything they've said, on my own.
                          
That night I go to sleep hoping and praying they would just come back, my memories, so I can be who I really am. Sadly, not all wishes come true. I only had dreams, nightmares. Nightmares and dreams that I couldn't remember the next day. Thankfully, I wasn't insane anymore. It wore off after they told me everything, since my brain could now understand why I was suffering. I am suffering but I can cope. I don't feel any attachment to my old family especially the one that caused all my problems.
                          
I soon realize, I can carry on. My life goes completely back to normal. Me and my bro being besties. Everyone being jolly. Me trying to find myself. My brother reminding me of who I was, though I couldn't relate stories about Drake because I can't remember him anymore. Eventually my life slides into place. My whole family is happy to see my quick recovery and so am I. The problem is that the same rules apply to my life as they did before. My brother reminded me of my favorite lines. 
                          
A few weeks goes by, I am just relaxing and watching a film about abuse, rape and kidnapping. When all of a sudden like when you're being hypnotized, I am suddenly pulled into another world. All I saw comes back in a flash, explosion, knives, bomb, kidnapping, knives, families death, my fears, my brother's death, my death and finally I put everything I knew with everything I know. Immediately I switch into who I was. The old anxious person, the person who can't trust anyone anymore. Everyone is staring at me because I'm probably screaming or crying. "Hannah! It's ok you're with us!"my brother says trying to get my attention, while I'm hypnotized by my memories. 
                          
The nightmares are real. They aren't nightmares, they are reality trying to make me realize what a monster I have become and that I can never change that. I will always be who I am. I can't be happy, I can't move on, I can't have a family and I can't do anything a normal person would. Cause I'm not normal, I'm sadly unique in the worst possible way. I just can't fathom how I survived all that and that I'm still breathing, growing and living. I'm a danger to everyone and everything. 
                          
I just can't be here. Everyone looks at me with worry because they can see my mind overthinking, they can see the terror in my eyes. My eyes changing from innocent to someone they never wanted me to be again. "Listen Hannah! We can see your memories came back. Just listen! We always wanted you to come back to who you really are but we knew it would hurt you,"my brother said for himself and his parents. "You wanted me. Me and all my flaws, all my devastation, all my burdens. You wanted me to come back to be this, this piece of junk that shouldn't exist because she's a danger to mankind,"I say while crying with a ton of anger laced into my words. 
                          
"We never wanted you to be hurt. We wanted you, to be you. We wanted you to be happy and to live your life. We want the same now and in the future. We will always be here for you,"my brother says and everyone nods in agreement. I know those words are only talk, my parents said that all the time. They're gone when I need them the most. I just stare into space realizing that things wouldn't be the same anymore. With all that staring, I finally drift to sleep. Before I do, I realize that I'm nothing but a burden, it will be better if I were or am gone. Everyone will be better off, if my enemies are gone and they can't do it then I'll have to be the one to do it myself.
                          
If I'm not clear, I want to die to stop misery for me and everyone around me.