Chapter 3

                                    

                                          
When I was 12, we went up to stay with our father for a week. It was amazing it really was. We met our younger sister in person for the first time. She was 6. And I remember we were spoiled so much whilst we were there. We were given presents as it was around Christmas time and we met our grandparents. Vanya, Lucy and I all played in the garden with the dogs during the visit and ate brownies. During our time with our dad, we went swimming, went to see monster truck racing and went to see the speedway. We did so much I that we had never experienced before and I didn't want to leave. We had our photo taken at the beach with the family before we left. It made me think. What would have my life been if I lived with him instead of my mother.
                          
During this year, things got worse for me. The bullying was becoming more frequent again and I was having more panic attacks. The people I lived with didn't believe I had panic attacks or anything wrong since they never saw anything happen. But, at school I was invited to join a group session, where during the time you do relaxation exercises and talk about your week. People went for many reasons. Maybe because they have anger issues, maybe because they have learning disabilities or maybe just because they have things going on at home. 
                          
I found this really helpful and I went for several years. However, I wasn't getting better and instead of punching scratching and hurting myself until I bled. I started doing other things. They weren't helping anymore I felt empty. I remember the very first time I took a blade to my skin. It was kind of a shock. Like wow what have I done. But at the time, it felt good. I felt happy for it. I truly did even if I knew it was wrong. So I did it again. I wasn't trying to kill myself and I knew people would do something if they found out. So I made sure it was a place that was hidden. It was my guilty pleasure. My secret.
                          
I was only in year 8 at this point. So several years left of school. My mother, she wanted to try and contact me again. She would constantly phone the house to try and talk to Vanya and I. Every time she was denied and she got frustrated. She became desperate. 
                          
Mother constantly moved house and I remember she would move closer to the school. In hopes of seeing us. Several times we would be told "Your mum has bought a house across the road from your school. If she tries talking to you walk away immediately." And that would be said every few months. That if we saw her we were to leave. If she stopped us in town then to try to just walk away. It wasn't the nicest of things to experience honestly. She was trying to be a good mother. She tried giving us everything she could. And some days, she would. Some days were good. We would be happy playing in a play room learning or we would go out on a walk. But the majority of the time weren't. So the question is, what do we focus on? Do the bad times outweigh the amount of days that were good? Yeah they do. But does that mean she is a bad mother? I don't know. In some ways no. Because she was trying she couldn't help being the way she was mentally. She just wasn't fit to be a mother. She couldn't look after us when she couldn't look after herself.
                          
It was hard. To go about a normal life when you're constantly thinking "My mum is currently trying to find me. And get me back. What if she tries to kidnap me? Who is there to stop her?" My mother took to stalking us. She would sit on her balcony and use her binoculars to try to find us in school. She would wait outside the school gates in hopes in seeing us. It was terrifying. 
                          
I was worrying about so much and I was under so much stress that to think I had to start my GCSEs the following year it was too much. I didn't want it. 
                          
I slowly started hanging around with people towards the end of the year. One person, Jacob, I didn't really talk to him at all. But I followed him around because, it was better than no one. He introduced me to some of his friends and I was so awkward I just gave a small wave. One of his friends, Joseph, had shoulder length hair, a shoulder bag with a band I like on and badges. He seemed quite cool to me. I mean not many people I meet like the music I do. Such as, black veil brides, green day, My Chemical Romance romance, sleeping with sirens etc. So it was quite exciting. Like me, he was quiet and didn't really talk to anyone he was just sat there listening. And I was really interested in him.
                          
Going into year 9 I signed up for DofE and it turned out he had too. However we weren't in the same group. I was curious to find out more about him so I will admit, I did look on social media to try and find out about him.
                          
Self harm: the act of purposely trying to hurt yourself. This could be by punching things, cutting, burning, scratching, pulling out hair, injecting things, drinking alcohol excessively until you pass out and many more. Self harm is a serious problem and if you or someone you know does. Seek help. There are many things online such as emergency hotlines and even websites where you can talk on strict confidentiality about things. Along with this, you could talk to a trusted adult or friend to gain support. It wouldn't be the easiest thing to do, however, people could help and solve things. Even if it doesn't seem possible. Please.