Chapter XI

                                    

                                          
The fire had been burning for a few hours, and they'd all stopped caring enough to stoke it. Ryan was staring, hypnotized by the dancing flames licking at the logs. He watched the way they lit up bright red, glowing with the high temperatures they were under, and he remembered the gist of a quote he read once. It was something about human lives being like flames, more beautiful for the fact that they would eventually burn out. In this moment, he felt that more than he ever had. He looked around the circle, at the faces illuminated by the light, and couldn't help but smile with affection. 
                          
Spencer was drifting in and out of sleep, leaning back against Jon's chest, before Jon finally nudged him gently and said they should go to bed. They walked back up to the cabin, arms slung around each other, looking barely conscious. 
                          
Ryan laid back on the blanket he'd moved to and felt overwhelmed by the number of stars he could see. The sky looked like it was more light than darkness, despite it being the middle of the night. He wasn't sure how long he'd been trying to make out constellations that he barely knew the general shapes of when he felt Brendon laying down next to him on the blanket, their arms not quite touching. Ryan glanced around and noticed Dallon had left at some point. Wow, he was really having trouble paying attention. 
                          
"Look, I'm truly sorry I didn't call." He glanced at Brendon out of the corner of his eye and saw he was also staring at the sky. He didn't seem angry, which he took as a good sign, along with the fact that he had willingly come near him.
                          
"It's fine. I wish I'd known that before we'd slept together, but I get it." Ryan rolled onto his side, looking down at Brendon, their faces closer than he'd intended. 
                          
"I'm not sure you do, because I had no idea why I was acting that way until recently." Brendon tilted his head to look at him, arching an eyebrow. "I was so fucking insecure." He continued, feeling the words were hard to say, despite the multiple songs he'd put the same emotions into. "You were some wildly successful musician, and I was barely making enough money to stay off the streets at night." 
                          
Brendon's face looked open and vulnerable, and Ryan wasn't sure how much of that was due to the pot. "You know that doesn't matter to me, right?"
                          
Ryan shrugged his one shoulder that was in the air. "It mattered to me."
                          
Brendon quirked one side of his mouth, looking hesitant. "Past tense?" 
                          
Ryan nodded. "Definitely." They stared at each other for a little bit before Ryan's eyes widened with realization. "Stay here, I'll be right back." He got up and ran to the cabin, an irrepressible smile forming on his face. 
                          
When he returned with his guitar and journal, Brendon looked confused. "I wrote these lyrics, and in my head the songs are amazing, but something wasn't sounding right when I sang them." He opened the book to the first song he had written yesterday and turned it to face Brendon. "It's because it was your voice singing them in my head, not my own." To his surprise, Brendon blushed deeply. 
                          
Ryan had scribbled on the page which chords were meant to be played, so Brendon was able to figure out when to sing with relative ease. Even though his voice was soft and hesitant in the quietness of the night, mixing with the soft lapping of the waves against the shore, and the chirping of crickets in the distance, Ryan thought it sounded perfect. They were both grinning at each other by the time the song finished. Brendon flipped the page to the next song and looked at Ryan expectantly, waiting for his lead.
                          
As they played through all the ones he'd written that day, he realized he liked the way this felt. Hearing his words in Brendon's mouth somehow made them palatable. He was able to appreciate the song, and not be overwhelmed with the meaning of the words he'd written. 
                          
They were sitting with their legs crossed, facing each other. Ryan put his guitar aside and leaned slowly in, judging Brendon's reaction. Brendon's eyes grew wide as he watched Ryan get closer. He seemed frozen in place, and Ryan stopped just before their noses touched. Ryan bit his own lip and ran his tongue along it, waiting to see what Brendon would do. Their eyes never wandered from the other's, as they stayed there, breathing in unison, until Brendon finally closed his eyes and leaned forward, pressing his lips softly against Ryan's. Ryan couldn't help the smile that formed as he brought his hand up to run his thumb over Brendon's cheekbone. 
                          
After a few seconds of the kiss, Brendon pulled back, smiling at him from under his bangs. The fire had all but burned out by this time. A few embers were still glowing, and Ryan got a bucket of water to put it out fully. He then offered Brendon his hand, pulling the man to his feet, grabbing his guitar, and walking back to the cabin hand in hand. 
                          
They stopped in the hallway outside of Brendon's room, and Ryan hesitated, not wanting to be presumptuous. "I'd like for you to sleep in my bed. I just... want to take it slowly this time." Brendon seemed to cringe at his own words. 
                          
"That sounds perfect." Ryan reassured him, giving his hand a squeeze. They crawled under the blankets together, and Brendon curled up in a ball with Ryan hugging his back. The other man felt so small and fragile in his arms, and he hated that he'd ever hurt him. He pressed a kiss to the back of Brendon's head as their breathing evened out and they drifted off to sleep.
                          
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The next morning Ryan woke up with Brendon still in his arms, and he figured it was going to be a pretty great day, even if nothing went well after that moment. The air in the room was cool, and he snuggled closer under the covers. Brendon hummed approvingly and turned around in his grasp, burying his face against Ryan's neck. "Good morning." He mumbled. 
                          
Ryan chuckled and kissed the top of his head. He felt a slight fluttering in his stomach when Brendon started to mouth at his neck, his hands tightening in Brendon's shirt. "Good morning indeed." Brendon pulled back and pressed a quick kiss against his lips. "Breakfast?" Ryan offered. 
                          
"Oh, hell yes." They made their way out to the kitchen, being met with smirks and genuine smiles from the other guys. Dallon had apparently been up for a while and made the food already. Ryan thanked him, feeling like finally everything was turning out okay. 
                          
Over breakfast, Spencer asked what everyone wanted to do for the day. Brendon immediately spoke up. "We can do whatever later on, but you guys have to hear the songs Ryan wrote first." Spencer and Jon both nodded excitedly. 
                          
Dallon made a face that Ryan couldn't interpret. "I think I'm going to call home, actually." 
                          
Ryan nodded immediately. "Yeah, of course. We can play them for you later if you want."

                          
Dallon smiled tightly and left the table. Brendon looked after him, frowning. Ryan was pretty sure he knew what was wrong, but didn't feel it was his place to say anything. Once they were done eating, Brendon demanded everyone ignore the dishes and go immediately to the music room, where he sat with Ryan's journal in his lap.
                          
"Did you have any plans for the bass or percussion?" Brendon asked Ryan from his spot on the floor as Ryan got his guitar strap situated on his shoulder. 
                          
"Naw, not really. It's all still super rough." Ryan answered, staring at his hands. He played through the first song as Brendon sang. Spencer played along with a rudimentary rhythm, feeling the song out. Jon jumped in doing the same thing. They started to mix it up after the first couple of play throughs, giving each other suggestions and working harmoniously together. By the time the song started to come together and sound like a fully fledged piece, Ryan was grinning with happiness. 
                          
His song writing process had always been a lonely one, save for the few time Jon had joined him and given some opinions. This realization that they could come together as a unit and make one of the best songs he'd ever been a part of writing had him dizzy with excitement.  He didn't even care about the others watching as he crawled over to Brendon, taking his face in his hands and kissing him deeply. Brendon grinned at him and winked as they pulled apart. 
                          
He'd been right about the day being pretty great.