Chapter 7

                                    

                                          
Bella's POV
                          
It's a few hours after the funeral and burial. Joey hung onto me the entire time and I held him tight. His sadness hurts me. Everyone's sadness is so hard. I'm sad too but I don't let myself show it. I'm the strong one now...
                          
We're all doing our own thing today. I walk into the living room and see Alex sitting on the couch by himself. 
                          
I've been having this weird feeling that Alex is broken. I don't know why I think that but I do. Maybe it takes someone else who's broken to realize it. 
                          
"Hey," I say sitting down next to him. He jumps a little then looks at me.
                          
"Oh. Hey," he responds.
                          
"Want to go skateboard a little? I need some fresh air," I ask. He considers it then nods. We silently walk to the garage and grab our skateboards. 
                          
After a half hour of boarding, I decide to ask him what I want to. I get off my board and sit on a bench and he sits down next to me.
                          
"I know you've been helping the boys a lot and thank you but I want to ask, how are you doing?" I ask. He doesn't say a word and avoids my gaze.
                          
Alex's POV
                          
I thought Bella just wanted to go skateboarding. I didn't want any questions asked. Her and Amy are the two closest to my age and she's really chill. 
                          
But I have to be strong, especially for my younger brothers. Just as I can see she is being strong for our sisters. I'm breaking inside but I can't let that show.
                          
"I'm fine," I snap. She looks taken aback but quickly recovers. 
                          
"No one's fine Alex. Don't lie to me!" she tells me in a warning tone. I feel like I'm talking to Christina. 
                          
"I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO SKATEBOARD NOT TALK ABOUT OUR STUPID FEELINGS!!!" I scream.
                          
"Alex," she whispers and puts her hand on my arm. I make the mistake of looking at her. I can see the sadness in her eyes. I can't do this any longer.
                          
I stand up and kick my skateboard as hard as I can. Then my anger turns to grief and I sink back onto the bench.
                          
"I'm not alright, okay? I'm not alright," I say quietly and start to cry. This is only the second time since Mom and Dad died. I don't like to cry. 
                          
My younger sister pulls me into a hug and I cry into the back of her shoulder. 
                          
My tears eventually subside and I open my eyes. The sunlight is almost blinding. I wipe my tears and go get my board. Bella grabs hers and we skateboard some more. 
                          
Somehow I know Bella will keep this to herself. I'm actually glad I let it out because it's easier out than in. 
                          
Dani's POV
                          
I'm falling apart inside. Christina's still quite distant to me and I need someone to see me. To see what I'm feeling inside without me having to tell them. 
                          
Lauren's worried about me and so is Bella, I can tell. But neither of them are as close to me as Christina is... was... I don't even know. 
                          
The past few days I've been thinking about cutting again. I don't want to do it but at the same time I do. I haven't in close to a year, Bella helped me through.
                          
I snap out of my thoughts when I hear Lauren's voice say, "Earth to Dani!"
                          
"Yeah Lorenzo?" I ask.
                          
"I asked if you're okay," she says.
                          
"Yeah I'm fine. Just kinda spaced out for a minute there," I lie. She nods, believing me.
                          
"Where's everyone?" I ask after a minute passes.
                          
"Bella and Alex went skateboarding, Mike, Christina, and Kath went out somewhere with the little boys and I think Lisa and Amy are at the beach."
                          
So it's just Lauren and I at home. That explains why it's even quieter than what has become normal. 
                          
I hear a buzz coming from Lauren's phone and she looks at it then texts back.
                          
"I'm going to meet one of my friends at the park," she says, standing up. 
                          
"Can I come?" I ask. She hesitates. Dani, why did you even ask that question? Can't you see she doesn't want you around. You're the youngest of all the girls and you don't fit in. 
                          
"Um... I was kinda hoping to go alone," she whispers.
                          
"Okay that's fine," I say, "I was just asking." I add a smile at the end so she doesn't worry or feel bad. She smiles back a little.
                          
"Okay I'll see you later." She leaves and suddenly I break down into tears. They drip down my cheeks and onto my clothes. I then make the decision I've been putting off.
                          
I run upstairs to the bathroom and shut the door tight. I look around until I find an old razor. I hold it for a minute just thinking about what I'm going to do. Then I do it. 
                          
I feel the relief wash over me almost instantly. But I limit myself to just 2 cuts. Once I'm done, I clean and bandage my wrist. Then the guilt and worry sets in.
                          
I was so stupid to cut again! What if my sisters find out? What if they send me away for it? I don't want to hurt my sisters. 
                          
I sit on the toilet seat and cry a little until I hear a knock on the bathroom door. Oh crap, someone must be home now. 
                          
"Dani?" a voice asks. It sounds like Kath's. 
                          
"Yeah?" 
                          
"Oh okay, we weren't sure where you were," she says. 
                          
"I'll be out in a minute," I say.
                          
"No rush." I hear her footsteps lead her away from the bathroom. I'm thankfully wearing a cardigan so I pull the sleeves down all the way. Hopefully they'll stay that way. 
                          
I exit the bathroom in a composed manner and find Kath in her room. I sit down on Christina's bed across from her bed. 
                          
"Writing a poem?" I ask.
                          
"Nah, just reflecting," she responds. I nod. She goes back to writing and I lay on Christina's bed in deep thought.