The New Girl

                                    

                                          
Other Author: galactic_nope 
                          
Warning ⚠️: this fanfiction contains offensive humor so if that isn't your thing then this may not be the fanfic for you. 
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Spongebob held up his tiny yellow fist, banging gayly on Squidward's front door. He balanced a homemade cherry pie in his other hand (a secret family recipe handed down from sponge to sponge for generations). He made sure to wipe his shiny shoes on the doormat in the unlikely event he would be welcomed into Squidward's home. 
                          
The door swung open... slowly and reluctantly. 
                          
"Hi'ya, Squidward! Are ya ready to meet our new neighbor?!" Spongebob asked gleefully. 
                          
Squidward, still in his nightgown and cap with a hot cup of tea in one of tentacles did not approve of his house being broken into so early in the morning. His mug read "I hate my neighbors" in comic sans font. 
                          
His nasally voice rung through the watery air. "And what gave you the idea I would be interested in such an activity, Spongebob?" 
                          
"Meeting new people is always fun! And who knows, you may like the new girl!"
                          
Squidward's heart seemed to cease. 
                          
A... a girl? The new neighbor was a girl? Why on earth would she move to the most hellish neighborhood in the entire ocean? God, she had no idea what she was in for. 
                          
It took Squidward a few moments to process the new information his annoying next door neighbor was giving him.
                          
Spongebob continued to talk about their new neighbor. "Yeah, I saw her unpacking and it seems they love art, Squilliam Shakespeare and Beethofin! I can tell you two have a lot in common already!" 
                          
Squidward's resting bitch face turned into a gleeful smile that matched his yellow house guest. "When will she get here?! Ah, I must make a good first impression! I gotta clean the house, bring out my old artworks and-"
                          
Spongebob laughed, cutting his best friend off. "No, silly! We're going to her house!" He held out the scrumptious treat. "Look, I made a pie and everything!"
                          
Did Squidward really want to join Spongebob to meet this new girl? The obvious answer was no. Not with Spongebob. He could meet her later.
                          
Wait...
                          
What if...
                          
What if Spongebob befriended her before him? What if she became best friends with this Sponge-boob before he could even introduce himself? He couldn't allow her to be brainwashed into becoming some annoying nuisance. No. He was going to meet her, even if Spongebob was going too. 
                          
He sighed shakily. This was going to be painful to say. "Sure." He made sure to make his voice monotone. "Just let me change real quick." 
                          
Spongebob's smile became wider. "Oh goody! We're going to have so much fun!" 
                          
"I bet we are." He slammed the door shut to make a point, bubbles flowing up from the impact. 
                          
Spongebob sat on one of the steps leading to his house and watched the colorful flowers above him go past as he waited for his buddy to get ready.
                          
Squidward was a hot mess. Clothes were flying through the water rapidly as he tried desperately to find the perfect brown shirt. Not a neutral brown. Not a spicy brown. A brown brown. Where was his brown brown shirt??? It was his best one! Why did the lord and savior, Neptune, hate him so? 
                          
Without any luck finding his shirt, Squidward opens up one of his circled windows and yelled at Spongebob below.
                          
"Spongebob! Do you know where my brown brown shirt is?!"