IF YOU WANT FULL EMOTION NO MUSIC UNTIL I SAY SO
so i did what every other girl on the planet does when she is cheated on. texts him while crying into ice cream. no one else does this but its a comforting thought to think i'm not the only one. when you spend so long with somebody everything becomes a connotation, for example my strawberry tear filled ice cream, its what he brought me when i was "studying hard." every type of weather, every date has a significance, October 3rd, our first and last breakfast date, we decided it was too early and fell back asleep in his car.
i needed to ask, like a furious itch or a burning desire. i picked up my phone and held his contact in front of my face, the contact photo remained unchanged and i lost my conscious just to stare at it for a while before pulling me back to reality. i typed it out "when did you fall out of love with me?" i didn't need to write anything else it was all displayed in my rage of anger paragraphs above the 'seen' icon mocked me from a screen. i let my hands shake holding the awful device in my hands, i gnawed my lip and rocked my leg up and down over the end of my bed. nothing.
not from text anyway. "Nate." followed by an abundance of unspeakable emojis lit my screen, snapchat notification, a video.i stare at the purple icon, should i open it, i know he's seen my texts, my room only now seemed irritably quiet i could hear the blood rushing in my ears or was it my paranoia that i was going to open the message to a female face. i open it.
at first i was confused at the black that flooded my screen, but in adjusting my volume button i caught him mid cough before he started to talk, he seemed alone, and genuine so i listened. "i know right now you hate me." what a great opening line, spilling the truth. "and i understand why." he continued. the tone of his voice was horse like he had been shouting, or crying. "i did something, something so wrong, even for me. i don't expect forgiveness but i need you to listen for thirty more seconds." i could hear him fidgeting and sniffing, typical he cant even apologise properly. "you think i never cared about you y/n. you are wrong." what a fucked up thing to do to someone you care about, id love to see how he treats his drug dealer, a true love. "honestly y/n you are, i swear i know you are never wrong, but i'm going to prove you i fucking cared, because i didn't just care." he paused, a concealed, shaky breath and then. "because i, i loved you." there it was, the shot in the heart, stab in the back and the fetal last blow "loved"it echoed in my head over and over again, how can one person stop while the other carries on, we are parallel lines, tracks that never meet. "my first love." he whispered. now it was my turn to shift uncomfortably. as much as it was a vulnerable confession, where there is a first there is a second. "i'm about to send you proof, some stupid shit i did, this is what you did to me y/n."
the white noise static of the video cut out and the screen of pitch black resumed back to snapchat messages. i didn't know how to react, i let the square device slip from my hands onto my duvet. i rubbed my face in my palms before my screen lit up once more, " new messages from "nate"" this time it was on text, i scrolled to the top of the new messages, videos all starting with a blank screen.
i opened the first. instantly a smile was brought to my face, his light blue sweater hung over the back of his desk chair, his old, bright room in the background a lot more messy than it is now, Nathan wore his button up shirt and a shy smile, his appearance was younger in the frame as he looked in to the lens adjusting his hair (play the music) he fidgeted in his seat, smiling like a bashful child. "this is a stupid idea but i need something to do with this camera or dad will beat my ass." he laughed at his own joke, "so i'm starting these video, log things ? i guess because i saw someone today.. woah." he leaned back into his chair to rest his head into his hands, "she took my breath away. her name is y/n" even though he knew he was alone his cheeks warmed into rosy pink. "she is pretty special, and very.... pretty." i forgot a time when he was like this, cheerful and shy.
the next clip started automatically, Nathan diving from his bed to his chair, "was that cool?" he asked, what a dork he used to be, i couldn't contain the smile that broke out onto my face "earlier i met y/n and it turns out were both attending Blackwell in September, she said shes exited to be in my class." he grinned at the floor before averting his attention to his screen. "i'm confident she likes me back..... or maybe not." he sighed while laughing.
"it was y/n's sixteenth today, she looked very beautiful." he laughed to himself again avoiding the gaze of his camera spinning on his chair. "y/n said she wants to travel with me, i hope we can one day." he spins again on his chair raising his arms in triumph.
"today Kristine convinced me to confess to y/n, i'm nervous, very fucking nervous." his precious smile brought back a million memories of life before Blackwell, high school, everything. " she said yes." the video cut to Nathan grinning at his camera and Kristine behind him waving.i didn't notice my damp cheeks until the clip cut onto another.
"you know that i want to take y/n to nice places." Kristine and Nathan were sat face to face, Nathan had a grin of nervousness while Kristine was full of "here we go again" sort of vibe. "but i am seventeen and cut off from darling father." he rolled his eyes and laughed like it didn't bother him, so did Kristine as she had long sussed out his plan. "i'm giving you noth-" Kristine had started but the younger cut her off. "its for y/n the camera is here, i want to treat her." Kristine laughed knowing her younger brothers tricks she addressed the camera "Nathan shall have my money, i hope you have a good time y/n." she laughed shoving Nathan off the chair.
the next clip rolled on, a notably older Nathan, he was in his present dorm his hair longer and smile still present, but weaker. "its been a while." he opened "since spoke to this camera, i just wanted to remind you i fucking love you, and you still support me... two years later." he smiled at the floor "this is my last video.... until our first dance." he rolled his eyes at himself, "see what you do to me y/n you ruin me." he laughed and the screen cut dark. i was back to face my messages
i wiped away the streams on both sides of my face, i guess he really did love me but all it did was consolidate my feelings for him, maybe he might love me too and it was a mistake, i started to type, i cant let him go.
but the tell tale three dots appeared on his side, i stopped
"then i met her."
