What If

                                    

                                          
After the procedure, my doctor checked my vital signs to make sure my heart rate, breathing, and blood pressure were normal. I have done many different case studies on women who have experienced this, but none of them talked about the emotional pain. During the most painful fifteen minutes of my life, I tried to stay focus on Elizabeth, but that just made the situation worse. 
                          
The thought of Elizabeth during the procedure made me feel like a terrible mother. Not only to her, but to the unborn baby. I kept thinking about how disappointed Elizabeth would be, knowing that I terminated her little brother or sister. 
                          
When the doctor was finished checking me, Bret walked into the recovery room. He pulled a chair up next to the bed, sat down, and grabbed my left hand. Holding it firmly in between the palms of his hands, he asked me, "How are you doing?"
                          
"I want to go home," I whispered to him.
                          
"We're going home as soon as you feel better."
                          
"But I feel fine! Can we just leave, please?" I begged him, desperately. 
                          
Lightly stroking the back of my hand, he responded, "You're not in any pain?"
                          
"My heart hurts more than my body," I mumbled as tears started to form again.
                          
He pecked my hand, "It'll be okay, Maur."
                          
After an hour or two, they were finally able to discharge me from the hospital. Bret and the nurse had to wheel me out to our car, for I was too sore to walk. Slowly sitting down in the passenger seat, I shut the door and titled my head back against the seat, closing my eyes. It wasn't even possible at this point to stop crying. This is an even worse feeling than when I had to actually make the decision. 
                          
When Bret was finished talking to the nurse about my healing process, he sat down in the car as well. He put the keys into the ignition and started the car. After turning the key to start the engine, he dropped his hands and looked over in my direction, noticing that I had both of my arms wrapped around my stomach. "Do you want to talk?" he asked me before he started to drive. Looking over at him, I shook my head.
                          
"There's nothing to talk about," I said as I looked away and out the window. The rain falling from the clouds above us was a pretty ironic setting. Of course it would be raining right now, on this day. Pulling up to the house, Bret interrupted my thoughts and spoke up, "This may be an inappropriate time to say this, but I still want to marry you."
                          
"What the hell?" I questioned him.
                          
He shook his head and answered, "I don't know where that came from. While you were getting the procedure done, I kept thinking about us."
                          
"What about us?"
                          
"I know that you did what you did because it was best for you. But what if that wasn't enough?" he asked me. The way he looked into my eyes frightened me. I could feel how terrified and sad he was. He continued, "I mean... What if it's too late? What if I never get to say my vows to you, or have the first dance with you? I can't lose you, Maura."
                          
I leaned over and slowly kissed him. Pulling away, I looked into his beautiful eyes and replied, "I would love to marry you...but like I said before, it just isn't the right timing. Bret, honey, within the next few weeks, I'm going to have to get surgery and start chemotherapy. I just wouldn't feel like a bride in those conditions."
                          
"Maur, I don't care what conditions you are in. You have been and always will be beautiful to me. Especially on the inside. You were so brave today and that made me love you even more."
                          
I couldn't process my thoughts after he said this. "Everything is becoming so real now," I whispered. 
                          
He put the car in park and said, "Let's go inside."
                          
Getting out of the car, Bret walked around to my door and opened it for me. He reached his arm out for me to grab it and pull myself up. I was told back at the hospital that I would only be a little bit sore for the first two days, then I will really feel it. If I am in this much pain right now, I can't imagine how the next week will go. 
                          
Bret assisted me into the house and over to the couch where Kate was sitting. "How do you feel?" she asked me as I slowly and carefully sat down next to her.
                          
"Sore," I mumbled and continued, "I don't remember much."
                          
As I told her this, I closed my eyes to take a nap. The peace and quiet didn't last very long. It felt as if my phone started to ring the second I shut my eyes. Bret handed me my phone and said, "It's Jane."
                          
I looked at the caller ID and answered, "Hey Jane."
                          
"Maur, are you home? I have something I need to tell you," Jane replied.
                          
"Yeah, I just got home."
                          
"Alright I will be over in a few," she told me as she hung up. 
                          
Damn it, I don't need this right now. All I want to do is go to sleep. I came home to a napping baby and that's all I wanted to do. Within a few minutes, Jane walked in and I followed her to the island, where Bret was standing. "What's wrong?" I asked her.
                          
Instead of answering, she slammed a piece of paper down onto the counter. I pulled the paper closer to me so that I could read it. It looked like an online article that was printed out in black and white. There was a picture of my Medical Examiner ID and next to it was the heading, "Chief Medical Examiner: Abortionist."
                          
"What the hell?" Bret asked, getting offended.
                          
"Cavanaugh found it online. I tried to explain everything to him, but he's demanding to talk to you in person about it."
                          
"Oh my God," I whispered as I rubbed my forehead. 
                          
Kate walked over to us and added, "That's gonna give the BPD a lot of shit too."
                          
I shook my head and wiped my tears, "I'm going to have to resign then."
                          
"What? No, Maura! I won't let you do that," Jane hollered.
                          
"I can't work under these conditions, Jane," I tried to tell her.
                          
"Come on Maur! Just get Pike to do your work until you come back!"
                          
"Jane, I'm going to be out for months! They can't just have Doctor Pike do all of that work while their medical examiner is out."
                          
"Both of you need to shut up! Maur, you can't resign just yet. Just because he wants to talk to you, doesn't mean he's gonna ask you to resign," Kate spoke.
                          
I sighed, "I'll talk to Cavanaugh about everything tomorrow. I can't let the police department get a bad reputation because of me."
                          
Jane responded, "Maura, I'm so proud of you."
                          
Looking at her, I asked, "Why?"
                          
"Because you went against everything you believe in as a person and as a doctor, to do something mainly for your daughter. I hope that one day she will know how wonderful you are and how lucky she is to have you as a mother," she explain to me. 
                          
"I didn't stop thinking about her during it. Every single second that went by, I stared up to the ceiling and saw nothing but Elizabeth."
                          
Bret wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his embrace. "That's why I love you. You care more about our daughter than anyone else," he whispered.
                          
I looked over at Elizabeth and smiled at her sleeping peacefully in the bassinet. "Well, I promised her that I wouldn't leave her," I softly spoke.
                          
~~~
                          
Hey guys! Short chapter, I know... but I will be posting another one, probably the same length, tomorrow. Hope you guys enjoyed!
                          
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