XXV.

                                    

                                          
Michael's POV
                          
I have no idea what to do. There's no way Alex is done with her homework and I don't wanna go to her house and badger the truth out of her. There's no way I can pretend that nothing is wrong. Alex and I have been friends for such a long time and it's scaring me that she actually hid something from me that sounds serious. I'm freaking out going over the possibilities of what could have happened. I'm standing outside this Starbucks trying to get some air and nothing is helping. I feel horrible for exploding on Mali when I should really be upset with Alex. I need to know what happened. 
                          
I've managed to calm down a bit so I head back inside to apologize to Mali. She looks pretty upset and Calum is comforting her. I reach out to hug her and she squeezes me tight. "I'm seriously so sorry. I didn't know you guys didn't know." She explains and I'm trying to be understanding. "It's okay. It's not your fault. Alex should have told me whatever happened. I'm gonna try to talk to her tonight." Inside, I'm panicking but I don't wanna make Mali feel any worse. She's right. I should have heard this from Alex and that's what's upsetting me the most.
                          
I seriously cannot ignore the pain in my chest. I need to know what the hell is going on. I take out my phone and text Alex and I hope she's not too busy to respond.
                          
Me: Hey. We need to talk. Can I come over?
                          
My leg won't stop shaking and I can still see that Mali feels bad for saying too much. I pull my sleeves to the hands and nervously wait for my phone to vibrate. 
                          
Alex: I just finished! Come whenever you want! x
                          
I still have no clue what tonight is going to bring but I've never been more nervous. We leave Starbucks and Calum can see that I'm anxious and shaking. "Do you want me to drop you off? I can wait, just in case." The way he said that makes my stomach hurt more. I feel so lied to and I don't even know what happened. I'm just terrified. Calum is really such a good friend and I'm dying to know as soon as possible, so he drops me off and waits in her driveway.
                          
I slowly head up to Alex's room to see her sitting at her desk, organizing it. I feel the urge to tear but I need to make her tell me. I don't care what it takes. 
                          
"Hey, you." She turns to me and gives me a sweet smile. I feel the need to give in and act like nothing is wrong. She stands up to hug me and I have no idea how to go about this. "Michael, what's wrong?" She can clearly see that I'm uneasy as I nervously touch my neck. "Uhm, Alex - we were just hanging with Mali and you got brought up. She - she said she hasn't seen you since your accident. . . What does she mean by that?" 
                          
Alex's POV
                          
Oh no. It's finally happening. I can't believe this is actually happening. I'm not ready to face it now. I'm stood dead in my tracks and I'm having trouble forming a sentence. I keep telling myself not to cry. Please don't cry, Alex. Please don't cry.
                          
"Michael, I-" My whole body is shaking, mostly my voice. Michael's facial expression is slowly killing me and I can already tell it's going to get worse from here. "What the fuck is going on, Alex!?" There was so much hurt and anger behind the way he said my name. I have to tell him the truth, there's no way of getting out of it now. I've dragged this out long enough. I instantly feel defeated and start to cry. "I don't know how to say this. . . but when you were gone, I. . ." I'm stuttering and my hands won't stop shaking. "I started cutting myself. . ." Michael's eyes widen and it makes me weaker. "Are you fucking kidding me, Alex?" He keeps putting emphasis on my name and it's causing my stomach to drop. "The bracelets. . . That's why you took my bracelets." His realization causes a sharp pain in my stomach. I can tell that he's still so angry but he sits on my bed and pulls me in for a hug as I start to cry. I don't deserve this hug. I don't deserve him, or anything. "I had no one to talk to for months and it really helped relieve some of the pain away. . ." I try to continue and he pulls away from the hug, giving me the floor. "Things got worse for me every single day. I wasn't happy here being left alone. I couldn't stop thinking about you. I stopped eating, I made no friends. I'm always alone, Michael. The night I organized your old room I found so many old pictures and I physically couldn't take it anymore. . ." My voice won't stop shaking and I keep choking on my own tears. My heart is pounding and it hurts so much. "I broke into your parents' liquor cabinet and drank until I couldn't feel anything. . . I didn't want your parents to find me so I drove home. . .And I - I got into an accident." Michael stands from the bed looking like the life has been knocked from him. "Stop it! Stop, Alex!" His eyes are shining and he looks like he's on the verge of tears. I can feel my heart physically tearing. "So, you tried to kill yourself!?  And NOBODY fucking told me!?" He's shouting and I deserve all of this. "I wasn't trying but I knew if that accident killed me, I wouldn't have cared." He angrily knocks my lamp off the dresser and there's nothing I can say that will calm him. "Did you ever once think about how I would fucking feel if that accident took your life!? Ten fucking months and nobody fucking told me anything! Why wouldn't you just tell me the truth, Alex? We're supposed to be best friends!" He has every right to be angry. Everything he's saying is killing me and my heart has never hurt so much. "You were doing what you love doing. Why would I wanna ruin that for you, Michael!?" He takes his hat off and throws it, clenching his fist. "YOU are what I love, Alex! YOU! What if I came home and you were fucking. . . dead? Do you actually fucking understand how much that would have destroyed me!?" My eyes are burning from crying from his words. I'm completely speechless. "That's why you were so shaken up by the truck the other night. You were so afraid of something happening to me but it would have been so different if I had worried about you. . . But you made sure that I had no fucking clue." I don't know what else to say. The tears won't stop as he puts the pieces together. "So that's why you don't drink anymore. . ." I'm staring down at myself in shame. I deserve all of this. ". . .yes, and because I take depression medication." I manage to explain even though I feel so defeated. "Oh you mean, the pills you lied and told me were birth control? Fuck. This is too much, Alex." I've never seen Michael this angry. This is worse than any fight he's ever been in with his parents. It's all my fault. I've completely destroyed him. "You're all I've ever had and you lied to me about everything." His words sting and I deserve every blow. 
                          
"Michael, you're all I've ever had too and you were gone just like that. It was too much for me to take." I mumble over my tears. "Well, I'm leaving again, you know that, right!? Do you realize that!? And now what am I supposed to think when that happens? 'I hope Alex doesn't kill herself today.'" He's being so harsh and I've brought out a whole new rage in him. "I've been going to therapy and really getting help, Michael!. . ." I'm starting to feel like nothing I say will do justice for all the pain I've caused. "And I put your bracelets on, so I'd think of you and stop cutting. I've haven't tried to in months. You're the only person who fixes me when I feel completely shattered." I explain and there are tears falling from his eyes. I've never seen him this hurt and I want to die knowing it's my fault. 
                          
"Did you seriously think the past ten months have been easy for me, Alex? You seriously have no fucking idea how much I love you. I spent so many nights thinking about you. I made myself sick constantly wishing I was back home next to you. I wrote songs about you. I got head from random chicks and wished it was you. My phone background is YOU! I've been in love with you for the past eight fucking years and now I. . . I just don't know." He says, slowly crying his eyes out. I've never really seen Michael cry so its killing me knowing this time it's all because of me. "Its funny you said you couldn't stop thinking about me, when in reality, you didn't think of me at all." He adds, and I feel as if my heart has stopped beating as I take in his words. How was I so blind and so fucking stupid? I nearly vomit and I'm praying that in some way we can get past this. But I know that won't happen. I don't deserve to have him. "I'm so sorry, Michael. . ." I have no idea what else to say. My heart is broken and I haven't stopped sobbing. 
                          
"Yeah, me too." Michael says, grabbing his hat and slamming my door shut.