chapter 36: could

                                    

                                          
It feels like I'm sleepwalking through the halls the next day at school, because I don't know what to think or say. I feel like I've been blindsided, or betrayed and I have absolutely no idea if I have any right to feel that way. Maybe I don't. It's his future, but somehow, I thought I was going to be a part of it but now this isn't about our future. And I'm left feeling nothing but confusion.
                          
My heart is tied in big knots, not knowing what to do and I don't know if I would feel different about the situation if Felix had been one to share the news with me, or if Greyson telling me was what hurts the most. Or the not knowing. Or the deciding without me. 
                          
It's not my decision though, and I know that.
                          
Felix had to decide for himself, and I have to accept that. It's just knowing he made the decision and not telling me about it, because it doesn't just alter his life anymore. It alters mine when my heart moves six hours away.
                          
"Nicks," Felix comes up beside me at my locker, leaning over to press his lips to mine when I turn my head. 
                          
I don't mean to be cold, not to him but I can't help but feel like he didn't tell me on purpose. Like, he didn't think I could handle it or didn't want to work it out. Maybe I was right. Maybe I really am just a stepping stone to occupy his senior year.
                          
"Stevie?" He frowns. "What's wrong?"
                          
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I grip the edge of my locker door and press my forehead into the cold metal. I don't know what to say to him. I don't want to fight with him, but I know I'm too upset to do anything but.
                          
"Were you ever planning to tell me about Berkeley?" I ask, turning my head to face him.
                          
"How do you-?" He says, his lips parting before he finishes. "Greyson."
                          
I nod as I press my teeth into the tip of my tongue, directing my focus to the pain it causes. "You weren't, were you?"
                          
"It's not that easy," he exhales. "Nicks, I just...I didn't know how to."
                          
"Because you didn't think I could handle it?" I ask.
                          
"No, because I didn't think I could," he sighs and rubs his fingertips over the front of his brow and up to his forehead. "I've never had to do this before, Stevie. I haven't had to think about other people. It's always just been me and my family, and even then I've only had to think about myself but then you came along and you changed everything."
                          
"Is that supposed to make the fact you didn't tell me better?"
                          
"No, but...it's all I've got."
                          
"I need to go," I mumble, grabbing my textbook out of my locker and notebook. "I'm going to be late for class."
                          
"Nicks, hold on," he grabs my arm after I slam the door to my locker shut. "We need to talk about this."
                          
I shake my head and pull my arm out of his grasp and head down the hall. I feel like I have no control over anything, and it's the worst feeling in the world. The feeling like I don't have a say, and I know it's a part of life. We all face it, but this feels different. It feels like I'm being selfish for feeling like this.
                          
I love him more than anything else in the world, and I feel like I'm losing him. Or holding him back. Or nothing. It just hurts, knowing there may not be a way out of this.
                          
"Hey Vee," Isla comes up behind me in the computer lab, settling into a seat next to me but her eyes are on my computer screen. "Why are you looking at the UC Berkeley website?" She asks as she wakes the computer in front of her.
                          
Before I get the chance to share, Robyn slides in next to us. "Hey boos."
                          
"Hi," Isla smiles softly before turning her attention back to me. "Stevie?"