Hello, Goodbye

                                    

                                          
     I woke up on the 27th of December very early, the air felt cold around us. Josh and I were in his bedroom, he let me keep the twinkle lights on again. It was still really dark outside, god I hated the winter once Christmas passed. I shut my eyes tight, hoping to keep myself from sobbing again. I took a deep breath through my nose and exhaled quietly. Josh and I were apart when they were finishing up in Europe but this felt different. We were in a very different stage of our relationship at that time and this was for so much longer. I flipped over and buried my face into the pillow. I couldn't keep the tears from coming but I didn't want Josh to know I was losing my shit. I wanted to have morning sex and dance around naked for him while he finished packing but I was not in the right mental space. I closed my eyes and forced myself to fall asleep again.
     When I woke up the second time the sun was actually shinning and glaring off of the white snow, I couldn't have handled a gloomy day. Josh was already up and sorting out his backpack. He turned and smiled, all of his teeth showing, he was so fucking beautiful. "Hello, Sugar, you look handsome this morning." I stretched my arms up and held them out for him to come hug me. "If I come over there are you going to trap me there?" Josh asked with the smile still on his face. He was being brave for me and I loved him for that. "I mean for at least for 30 seconds, it's really up to you, how long you last." I joked with him, I was feeling better in the light of day and there was nothing I could do except put on my big girl pants and let him leave.
     Josh stripped off his shirt and bounded toward his full size bed. He gave me little kisses all over my face, making me laugh. He pulled back and looked at me with an intensity he didn't have before, the silliness leaving his face.  He hovered over my lips, his brown curls tickling my forehead. I looked into his big brown eyes "I love you, Joshua Michael Kiszka, I love you more than anything on this earth." "I love you too, Leah Roksana Kazmierski. I will love you until the end of time." It made me blush, hearing him say my very polish middle name. He kissed me hard and pulled away to look at me again. He reached down and silently pulled my shirt over my head. We didn't need to speak anymore words. There was a stillness and a rawness about morning sex that I loved. Josh kissed me again, letting his lips trail down my neck. Our rule for sex in the morning was that no one had to work too hard, it was not grabby or desperate.
     We both fully undressed ourselves and Josh took his hand and spit into it. He positioned himself in between my legs and gave himself a couple of strokes. He pushed himself into me slowly, giving me a chance to catch my breath. Josh pushed in and out of me a couple of times, my body only just catching up and helping the situation. Josh's face was millimeters from mine, our breathing picked up, as did the pace of our hips. I bit down on my finger as Josh grabbed my hips and took himself out fully only to enter me again. I gasped as my back began to arch, my hips meeting his. I quickly sat up and we repositioned with me on top. I slid down onto his length fully, grinding my hips down. I put both hands on his chest and started moving my pelvis and bouncing on his cock. Josh pushed his head back into the pillows as I rode him hard. I was starting to pant, trying hard not to squeal. He grabbed my hips and drilled into me making me loose all control. I made a short yelping noise as I rode out my orgasm on him as he filled me.
     I threw myself on the bed beside him, we both laid there catching our breath. Josh took my hand and kissed it. "I'll keep that in my memory for the next 3 months." I immediately started sobbing, I held it in for as long as I could, hearing him say that just really got to me. Josh took me into his arms and cradled me to his chest. Josh was clearly crying too which made me cry even harder. I sat on Josh's floor picking at my nails as he finished packing. I had on an old tee of his and his grandpa pants. He usually liked wearing them to perform but he gave them to me to have while he was away. They were iconic and I loved wearing them.
     Once he was ready we brought his bags downstairs. Sam was in the kitchen making himself tea. I hugged him from behind and laid my head on his muscular back. "Oh! There's my best friend. I thought you guys would just stay upstairs forever. I could do what Josh does on stage though, we'd be fine." I smiled at his shit talking and closed my eyes as I breathed in the smell of his clean hair. "You ok, back there?" "Yeah I'm just holding on until you make me stop." "Will you let go if I make you tea?" I shook my head yes. Sam handed me a mug that had my initial on it and I put a little bit of honey in it. I watched the 3 brothers move around the kitchen making their breakfasts. Despite how sad I was about them leaving, I was so excited for the summer when we were all living under one roof. I smiled to myself as Josh danced while spreading peanut butter onto a piece of toast.
     I went with them to the airport, the whole crew took two vans and I would be the only one on the return drive back to Frankenmuth. I helped them unload at the terminal and walked inside with them. I gave Danny a big hug and kissed him on the cheek. "Don't let Jakey get into too much trouble, that is usually my job. I love you." I gave Jake a hug next. "Be good, take care of these fools, I love you." I hugged Sammy next and I held on tightly. "I love you, I'll miss you, please FaceTime me when you can." I started getting misty. I hugged Josh last and we kissed for what felt like forever. The rest of the group had gotten into line for security. I kissed Josh threw my tears and he held me tightly by my hips. We removed ourselves from each other and I cleared my throat. "I love you, please take care of yourself and the rest of the boys. I'll miss you so much." I said with a shaking voice. "Leah, I love you more than anything. I'll call you as much as I can and I'll be thinking of you always. I'll text you before I shut off my phone." I gave him one last kiss and an "I love you." I walked out to the van that was waiting for me. I felt them watching me as I walked out of the automatic doors but I couldn't get myself to turn around.
     I let myself cry for 20 minutes and cut myself off after a few deep breaths. Josh must have opened his backpack because he sent me a text thanking me for the Polaroids that I snuck into his bag, I had a cheeky photo shoot with my self timer. I chuckled at his joke about saving them for later and I laid my head back to shut my eyes. The driver was playing 'Take Me Home, Country Roads' which made me smile. I must have fallen asleep because when I opened my eyes we were pulling into my driveway. I thanked the driver and went inside. My mom was making dinner and I sat down at the table, we chatted as she cooked. I felt optimistic about the future and I was ready for a new adventure.