Chapter 3 - Positive Mental Attitude

                                    

                                          
Text after text. Each one said the same thing: 'Are you ok?', 'What are you upset about?', 'Do you want to talk about it?'. I replied to none of them. I hoped they would just simply forget about it and in the morning, I wouldn't be asked any more stupid questions about what happened.
                          
I woke up the next morning at about 11 am. I checked my phone. The last message I had was off Felix. It had been sent at 6 am. It said:
                          
'I'm worried about you. We all are. You ran out of Mark's house clearly upset, giving us no explanation as to why and you still haven't. You need to tell us why you're upset. And if not people like Mark and Marzia and Ethan, then at least tell me. You can trust me. I'm your best friend and you're mine after all. You never talk about how you feel and I think it's about time you stop bottling things up. It's unhealthy. Talk to me, give me a call or just text me back. I understand you're probably asleep by now but when you wake up and see this please reply. Bye, I love you. Please don't ignore this.'
                          
I think it was then I REALLY started to realise I was being a huge dick. Running out of Mark's like that telling them basically nothing. Ignoring their messages, not texting them to say I was ok, to stop them from worrying. Considering ignoring Felix's message, even though he was clearly concerned. 
                          
I still wasn't going to tell them what was actually wrong though. I would never tell them.
                          
I stared at the message for about 5 minutes. I was struggling. I didn't really know how to reply. I felt like just a simple 'I'm ok' wasn't good enough. In the end I settled for about a paragraph:
                          
'Hey Felix. I'm really sorry about last night. I'm also really sorry I ignored everybody's text messages. I've only just seen this one though. As for what was wrong, I can't exactly tell you. Or anyone, for that matter. I would tell you it's just, I really can't. It'd ruin everything. Everything would get worse. So I can't say why I got upset. I know you guys are annoyed that I don't talk to you about my problems. I guess that's just the way I am. Sorry. Love you too. Again, I'm sorry.'
                          
I put my phone down on my bedside table and put my head in my hands. I knew he would still ask what was wrong. I couldn't think of an excuse or anything I could say to cover up the fact I was upset over something. I sighed and stood up slowly, feeling slightly dizzy from the alcohol I had last night.
                          
I made my bed, got changed into some clothes to lounge about in and went into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee, something I really needed. While I waited for the machine to do its magic, I checked my phone to see if Felix had replied. He hadn't.
                          
I grabbed my coffee and walked into my living room, sitting down on the sofa and turning on the TV. There wasn't really any point though to be honest. Nothing good was ever on. I knew at some point I had to record two videos for the channel. I intended on doing another Funniest Home Videos and a 3 Games, 1 Video. 
                          
I felt bad. I felt like I was lying to my fans. Claiming I was always happy, that my mindset was always positive, that I had a Positive Mental Attitude. Yeah right. It was funny: I started the Positive Mental Attitude thing. I had it on my merch, on my whiteboard in some of my videos, I was constantly bringing it up, I encouraged all of my viewers to have one, and I didn't even have one myself. Funny.
                          
Just as I was about to fall into an abyss of my own thoughts, my phone buzzed. I turned it on to see a notification alerting me that I had a text message from Felix. I quickly opened it up and read it out loud: reading out loud is easier than in your head.
                          
'Thank god you answered. We were all starting to think something bad happened to you. We told each other if you didn't reply by around 2 we'd go looking for you. Well, thanks for at least not ignoring that text. Even tho you ignored all the others. I'm still dying to know what's wrong. You really do worry me. Sometimes I struggle sleeping cuz you're on my mind and I never know whats going through yours. You could be really struggling right now and I won't know. Most of the time you mask your emotions so well. It's almost like you've trained yourself to just look happy all the time and pretend not to be sad. I'm not gonna force you to tell me what's wrong. But I encourage you to. Cuz I'm not gonna tell anyone, I'm not gonna judge you and I promise you its not gonna 'ruin anything'. Again thanks for messaging me back x'
                          
Wow. He really knew me. I guess all these years I have trained myself to just look happy. And most of the time, apparently, it works and I pull it off. I felt so bad for not telling him what was wrong. Not sharing with him what was going through my head. But it's not like I could. Like I said. It'd ruin everything, even if he didn't think it would. I knew it would.
                          
'Yh. I guess I do that. I know I can be annoying and I know I'm a dick. I'm sorry, alright? I just don't like talkin bout my feelings. But I can assure you that most of the time I am fine. And it flatters me that you'd go out searching for me. Am I that worthy of a search party, lmao xx'
                          
I tried to make things less serious and change the subject slightly by adding humor. I'm good at that. It's one of my only talents. Felix replied within about a minute. I think he had been waiting at his phone for a reply off me.
                          
'Of course you are, ur my best friend. If I thought you were in danger I'd go looking for u, no doubt about it x'
                          
'Thanks, u too. Wait, no, maybe I'd leave u for a bit and get some peace and quiet x'
                          
'I highly doubt you'd last more than a day without me x'
                          
Well shit Felix. You got me there.
                          
'Yh I guess. Also can I ask you something?' I didn't know if I was going to regret asking or not. Hopefully I would get the answer I want.
                          
'Yh sure. What is it?' I took a deep breath before I typed the question out and hit send.
                          
'Are you and Marzia dating?' This was it. In a minute or two I'd recieve my answer. And I'd either get the one I want or the one I didn't want to hear.
                          
'What? No lol. Why?' I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Thank fuck for that. I thought for a moment he could have been lying, but he wouldn't keep that from me. I knew he wouldn't. He talks about his problems and his secrets, unlike me.
                          
'Oh, I thought u were. You kissed last night at Mark's house.'
                          
'Did we?'
                          
'Yh, u did. I watched u lol.'
                          
'What the fuck lmao. I must have been super drunk.' I felt a smile creep on my face.
                          
'Yh, u must have been :)'
                          
'Well I'm gonna go. Thanks for talkin to me (kinda). Bye love u xx' I smiled again. Now I was happy. Well, happier.
                          
'Bye. Love u too xx' 
                          
Marzia and Felix weren't together. Felix was just super drunk. That really gave me the Positive Mental Attitude I needed.