Chapter 31

                                    

                                          
4th May 2019
                          
{Diannes POV} 
"Hey gorgeous" Joe smiled as I opened the door, letting him in. I gave him a weak smile in return. 
"Hi" I mumbled, "do you want anything?" 
"No thanks." He kicked his shoes off and left them by the door. We went straight upstairs - no one else was in - and into my room. 
"Sorry about the mess" I muttered, indicating to the small pile of clothes in needing of a wash forming by the foot of my bed. As I walked through my room, I saw my reflection in the mirror. You look awful. My hair was a mess, my makeup was smudged, I looked fat and bloated. Bringing my hands to my hair, I dragged it into a ponytail in an effort to make me look slightly better. Nope. The bitter and vicious thoughts rose up in my head again, marching their way from the back of the battlefield to the front, trampling over the good and locking them away in a strong and tight box, throwing the key further away into my brain. I buried my face in my hands as I screamed at myself internally. Why was I like this? Why do I hate myself? Why is this happening to me? Eyes squeezed shut, hands shaking, quickened breathing, I collapsed to the floor as I felt the familiar flood of panic filling my body from head to toe. 
"Di?" Joe spoke cautiously from across the room, having watched me in the mirror with a concerned look adorned on his face. I let out a noise somewhere between a cry for help and a scream before breaking down into unstoppable tears. Joe rushed over and wrapped his arms around me, bringing my body to his as I sobbed without control. Leaning into him, I smelt his comforting scent and heard his steady breaths as he held me close, swaying from side to side gently in an effort to comfort me. 
"Copy my breathing" he whispered gently. Taking deep breaths in and out, I steadied my own and took long and shuddering breaths until I had stopped crying and my breathing was back to normal. 
"Are you alright?" Joe asked. 
"Mhm" I nodded my head. My voice only came out as a stutter, I couldn't seem to speak. 
"When you are ready to talk, I'll try my very best to support you" Joe said softly as he rubbed my back. Pulling away, I looked into his gentle and loving eyes, feeling fresh hot, salty tears roll down my face, running off it and soaking into the carpet. Joe wiped away the drops carefully and kissed my nose, keeping his hand on my face, using a solitary finger to stroke over my cheeks as he cupped my chin in his palm. 
"I will always be here for you, you know that. If you aren't ready to tell me, don't, but I will be by your side all of the time" Joe whispered as he leant his forehead against mine. 
"I know" I replied, "it's complicated and I'm not sure I can explain right now." I felt guilty for not telling him, he would be the one who would deal with me the most and yet I couldn't bring myself to open up. One last tear fell to the floor as I looked into Joes eyes, our foreheads touching, as he found my hands and squeezed them gently. 
"I love you Joe." 
"I love you too Di." Joe smiled softly and moved backwards, "come on, let's sit on your bed. Its way comfier than the floor, my arse is already numb!" I chuckled sadly, letting Joes stupidity wash away the poison. He stood up and then pulled me up after him and straight into a hug. I breathed in his scent and listened to his heartbeat, instantly calming down so much more. Joe unwrapped his arms from around my back and sat down on my bed, resting up against the headboard with his legs crossed loosely in front of him. I crawled in between his legs, forcing them straight, and cuddled into him, relaxing into his hold as his arms snaked around me. My head resting against the top of his chest, our breathing matched and the room was filled with a comfortable silence. Moving slightly, I turned the tv on so we had some background noise as we continued to cuddle. 
                          
We laid there for what felt like hours, hugged into the other. My phone pinged from my bedside table as someone messaged me. 
"Joe, who's that?" I asked, pointing to my phone. He leaned over slightly. 
"Your mum, she's not coming home tonight. I can't see the rest." Joe passed over my phone. 
R- Hi Dot, I'm really sorry but I'm not going to be able to get back from Lincolnshire, my train from Gainsborough has been cancelled and there's no other places around here. I can message and ask if you can stay at Amy's, or Joes? Xx
D- Aw that's okay. Funny you should say that, I'm with Joe right now so I'll ask to stay at his. I'll see you tomorrow, love you xx 
R- Okay, let me know. Love you xx 
"You can stay at mine" Joe said as soon as I lifted my head slightly to ask. 
"Oi don't read over my shoulder. That's rude" I grinned. 
"There she is" Joe sighed, a hint of a smile on his face. 
"Where who is? Who's she? What?!" 
"Oh never mind." The corner of Joes mouth tugged up into a smile, "but there's happy Dianne. I found her." 
"It's known for her to come out" I retaliated quickly, "not very often at the minute" I admitted, dropping my voice to barely louder than a whisper. Joe didn't say anything but pressed a soft kiss to my forehead and pulled me closer still, somehow cuddling me further into him. 
"Let's go to mine before we get too comfy otherwise we won't want to move" Joe said. 
"But I'm already comfy" I groaned. 
"Come on Buswell, lets go to mine."
                          
Sorry this is up late, I've been at parents evening all night xx