Chapter 30

                                    

                                          
1st May 2019 
                          
{Diannes POV} 
"Stop!" Miss Kim shouted from the front of the room, "you need to follow the line of the arm, don't look like a robot! Look alive, I need more performance from all of you! We have competitions in 5 weeks!" She was demonstrating what we were doing and then what she wanted us to do. I noticed her eye me before turning back around and playing the music once more. I ran through the motions, unfeeling. I didn't want to be here. Something was wrong in my head and I couldn't put a finger on it. Something was pulling me down and I've no idea what. I didn't feel the usual passion I did for dancing. I didn't feel good. I felt panicked and nervous about something but that something wasn't clear to me. I felt held back, like there was a voice inside my head telling me I wasn't good enough. 
"Push Dianne!" Miss Kim shouted as I messed a step up and stopped dancing, something you should never do. She only said two words but it was enough. My chest felt tight, my breathing became quick and shallow and I felt like the room was closing in around me. Subconsciously, I started to bite my nails on one hand and shook my other quickly, trying desperately to rid myself of the deafening anxiousness running around my head. I stopped dancing and walked to the side of the room, standing in a corner and tried to steady my breathing. Tears were threatening to fall from my eyes as I stood, isolating myself from all those around me, watching my every move. I needed to get away. But I couldn't. I couldn't just walk out of a class with no reason. So I did probably the worst thing to do. I joined back in with the group and picked up the routine. Dancing when you can't breathe and feel like screaming isn't easy. But I carried on. As soon as I heard the music finish, I ran out of the room and around the back of the stage we had there to the old girls changing room and sat on the cold staircase leading up to it in the dark. I broke down in tears in the dark sat on a cold and hard staircase in the part of the building that was never used, all alone, willing myself to not have a panic attack. Hot tears were spilling from my eyes and splashing onto my knees, taking my makeup with it. Poisonous thoughts popped like bubbles in my head, drowning out any sort of positive or happy thing. 
"Dianne?!" I heard a voice come from the corridor and then the sound of footsteps. I looked up and saw Miss Jess coming through the door. She was my favourite dance teacher. She was the one who took us for most lessons, the one who always had great advice and the one who I always went to if I needed support. 
"Miss Kim came to get me after you ran out" she said, standing at the door and watching me. I let out another sob and buried my face into my knees as I hugged them into my chest. I felt her presence next to me and smelt her perfume as she wrapped her arms around my shaking body, stroking the back of my head with one hand and rocking me slightly. She held me for ages, whispering kind things into the air. 
"Shhh, shhh" she cooed as my shoulders began to shudder again. Miss Jess only loosened her grip around me when I had stopped crying and moved out of her arms. 
"Do you want to talk?" She asked as she rubbed my back. I nodded slightly and wiped away the tears, sniffing quietly. 
"Tell me as much as you want to" she spoke softly, her hand still rubbing up and down my back in a comforting way. 
"I don't know how to start" I whispered quietly. It was true. There were so many thoughts in my head that were bothering me, changing my opinion on myself, changing my attitude towards the thing I loved most, changing my view on everything to do with me. Something had snapped in my head. A devilish part of me that I didn't know existed was telling me I wasn't good enough, that I would never be able to make it as a professional, that everything was way out of my reach. The positive and self-complimenting ideas that used to fill me with happiness had been drowned out my the new poison in my system. 
"Okay. When I've been watching you dance these past couple of weeks, there is something holding you back. You haven't been the usual, bubbly and confident Dianne everyone loves to see. You've been standing in the back, your eye-line stays below waist height and you are just going through the motions. What's happened? Something has changed inside of you and I want to help you as much as possible Dianne." She spoke softly but there was a different sound hidden amongst the gentle tones of her voice. Frustration maybe? I sat in silence for a minute or so thinking over what she had said. These past couple of weeks. Had I really been this down for two weeks? Focusing on myself, I agreed with her in my head. I guess I had been starting to feel worse and worse about myself before this evening.  
"I'm losing confidence" I muttered, "I just don't feel good about myself I guess?" I meant what I said but it came out as more of a question. 
"We need to get to the bottom of this before it turns serious" Miss Jess warned, still gentle and sympathetic, "Whats on your mind?"
"Uhh, well right I'm trying really hard to not have a panic attack." It was true. As I said it, I realised I was biting my nails on one hand, the other fiddly with my leggings. 
"If you feel a panic attack coming, follow my breathing okay?" 
"Okay" I took a deep breath, "I just feel so shit about myself at the minute. Like I just feel like nothing is going well, I feel self-conscious and insecure about everything to do with myself." I took a deep breath, it was all coming out now. 
"Has someone said something? What's your friendship group like at school?" She asked. 
"Well my friends at school are Chloe, Amy and Oti, and then my boyfriends mates who are all lovely."
"Is your boyfriend still the boy from the show?"
"Yeh, he's amazing. It's not him." I broke down in tears once more, unable to speak. 
"You are incredibly talented, you are gorgeous, you are lovely and kind. You are amazing."
No I'm not.