Chapter 18

                                    

                                          


                          
        
                          
I opened my eyes in my own bedroom, and suddenly, I knew what to do. 
                          
I could not stay here a minute longer. After seeing the look in his eyes, after hearing him ask me to come find him: I couldn't believe he didn't exist in real life anymore. I couldn't believe it all was imaginary. 
                          
I would find where the island was located; I would explore every inch of the earth until I found it. I could be locked up for being mentally ill, but the only thing that mattered to me now was finding answers. Finding Elis. 
                          
I got up, got dressed and left. 
                          
I left a short note to my parents.
                          
Mom, Dad, 
                          
I have to leave for a while. I can't tell you why, but I have to do this, and I have to do this alone. Don't be scared—everything will be okay. I'm not crazy, I'll explain later. Thank you, I love you. I hope you will still love me too.  
                          
I was off to get information at the museum first. I wanted a map of the world, one of before the moment of consciousness. 
                          
I left the apartment by foot. I wasn't exactly sure why, but it seemed more natural now. I'd never liked the transporters anyway, and I wasn't going to fight it anymore. I left on impulse, adrenaline was flowing through me, and so I didn't notice the height as much. I hadn't realized I was crying either. 
                          
I touched my cheeks and looked down at my hands. My foot caught in one of the seams on the pathway, and I fell on the floor, sobbing, my whole frame shaking. What if he wasn't real? What if I never found him? What if I would never feel that way about anyone else? Was I grateful for these dreams after all? Was it better to feel loss and helplessness, or to feel nothing at all for the rest of your life? Could I have lost my mind in a matter of weeks? How did these feelings, so new and so powerful, overwhelm my mind and take over my whole life? 
                          
I was spiraling. I looked down and on my right hand, a red drop shone in the dim light of the rising sun. I lifted my head, and another drop fell on my arm. My nose was bleeding. I got up slowly and started walking again. 
                          
I was fighting to keep my calm. I glanced nervously around me; I was surrounded by tall glass walls on either side. I felt cornered. I was trying to breathe, but my chest was constricting. What was I doing? I was crying so hard now that I was almost at the point of screaming. I wanted to tear myself apart. 
                          
I stopped abruptly; someone was standing a few yards away. I could see a blurry shape, so I tried blinking, wiping my eyes and cheeks. It was five o'clock in the morning; who would be taking a walk at this time? The person was facing away, but through the tears still pouring down my cheeks I made out the shape of a tall man. 
                          
My tears seemed to slow as the seconds ticked by, and I was more in control of myself. I took a step forward, blinking twice. He was wearing a thick black coat, made out of...leather? I shivered and realized I was underdressed for the chilly morning weather. 
                          
I didn't want the man to notice me, so I would try passing behind him quietly, and quickly, before he could turn around and see the pathetic state I was in. 
                          
I started moving forwards, making my steps as light as I could, and as I got closer and closer, I could see him clearly. 
                          
I could see his posture. I could see his tousled hair; I could see his hands leaning against the glass wall. He heard me approaching, and his face shifted slightly towards me, allowing me to see his profile. I stopped dead in my tracks. 
                          
He turned around.
                          
His eyes. His smiling eyes, his perfect nose, his full lips. 
                          
Elis was standing in front of me.