Chapter Thirty Four: His Panic Attack

                                    

                                          
Song: Drown in You by Daughtry
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I tapped my fingers unceremoniously against the counter of the kitchen. My head was propped up in my free hand and I was in deep thought.
Colton came to my apartment yesterday to apologize. 
I must say, I wasn't expecting him to come back, and I certainly wasn't expecting him to apologize. He's always seemed so cold, so rude, and too closed off to ever admit his faults.
Perhaps, I have misjudged him?
He did seem genuine, and he did seem awkward and shy. Maybe my eyes were deceiving me, but....was he even blushing when he was speaking to me? I can almost laugh at the thought.
Surely, I was just seeing things. Surely, the big, bad, scary man was not blushing.
Maybe I was just stuck in fantasy land at the moment, and I saw things that I wanted to see instead of seeing things that are reality.
He is even at the store right now, buying parts he may need to fix my heating problem. I must admit that I am pleasantly surprised that he would do such a thing.
I thought that our fight would have been the last time I would see him, but obviously, I was wrong.
However, after today, I do not want to see Colton again. His unpredictable, sudden outbursts of anger causes me to be thrown back into my past. It isn't good for my own mental health, and I certainly don't want him to see me have a mental breakdown or a panic attack.
When he lost his temper to me just the other day, I couldn't sleep that night.
All night long, paranoia carried me in its arms. All night long, I was terrorized with nightmares of men screaming in my face, beating me, and raping me. I even had nightmares of the crash scene, where it was me that was dying instead of the little boy and his grandmother.
I remember clearly how the sharp glass of the burning vehicle sliced completely though my stomach, shredding my insides and causing me to bleed to death as the little boy laughed over me.
It was terrifying.
All night long I was drenched in a cold sweat.
All because Colton triggered my panic attack.
I hate to admit it, though, that I've actually grown to....like Colton a little bit, for whatever reason. The feelings are tiny, but they're still there. But whatever we have cannot happen. Not when he's as unpredictable as he is now.
It's scary, and I do not want to spend time with someone who instills such fear into me. And damn it, I hate that I'm afraid. I wish I could be strong, I wish I had courage and bravery.
But I don't.
I don't, and nor do I know how to handle Colton's mood swings.
His outbursts aren't normal by any means, so I'm wondering if he has some sort of a mental disability. Perhaps, if he would get help for it, maybe things could be different.
But until then, he needs to stay away.
When I heard his gentle knocking at the door, I let him in. He had a bag full of supplies he thought he would need.
"Are you sure you know how to fix these problems? I could have just called a repairman and let them deal with it." I ask hesitantly.
"I'm pretty familiar with how the basic heater works. Besides, a repairman will charge you too much money." He says, scoffing and rolling his eyes.