[Chapter Fifty-Three] How He Sees Me

                                    

                                          
Chapter Fifty-Three – How He Sees Me
 Bailey's Pov
                          
As I struggled through the first couple weeks of entries about me, things slowly started to change and the first change I picked up on was when he didn't write about how much he hated me.
                          
He started talking about how I made him feel, and it was more than him feeling positive emotions, he talked about how I made him feel in general, how he as numb before to things but I made him feel these negative emotions because he wasn't used to feeling something for someone, and then it moved to how happy I was making him.
                          
He said how he enjoyed talking to people again, how he smiled more, and I felt tears well up in my eyes when he talked about how I made him feel like himself again. I guess for some reason I thought he was just saying it but not meaning it, it took reading this to see that he actually meant it, that he really did love me.
                          
I just don't know what to think about her anymore, I'm passed denying I have feelings for her because ignoring and denying them weren't helping, it was getting me absolutely nowhere.  She was just so sweet I know she's angry and doesn't mean everything she says. 
                          
I have never felt this way towards a girl before, it makes me feel like the kid I was in high school again, how I would feel when a girl I had a crush on would look at me, no matter how famous I get or how much muscle I put on, I guess a part of me was still that nerdy kid I was at heart.
                          
So when she was straddling me I felt turned on but as soon as she kissed me, Jesus when she kissed me I never wanted to let her go and I felt so, I don't even know how I felt but it was great and I would take a little making out with her in my bed over sleeping with any other woman. 
                          
Wow, I really would.
                          
Just writing the first thing that comes to mind really helps, I've known her a couple weeks and I would choose her over sex.
                          
It surprised me that I was the first person she's kissed and fuck it turned me on too, her inexperience is so damn hot and I don't know how long this thing with us, whatever it is, will last, but for now she was mine, just mine and all mine. 
                          
I've never felt so ashamed of my past and all the people I've been with, she's so pure and here I am, I can't even remember half of them and I've slept with probably over a hundred women by now and I hated myself, I was disgusted with myself, I was disgusted with the things I've done to them and god I just hate myself, it was enough to make me want to do cocaine again.
                          
Cocaine was the only thing I found that helped, it made me able to live with myself. 
                          
She was so good and everything I wish I could still be and I could never be good enough to be with someone like her, she's never going to want to so much as kiss me again when she knows what I did, she'll hate me and be disgusted with me too.
                          
It was so weird reading his insecurities, he felt just as insecure as I did. It was weird that he thought he could never be good enough because he slept around and I felt I couldn't be because I was too inexperienced from him, but he doesn't want experience, as I read on that much was clear.
                          
He was attracted to me and temped by me, he wanted to sleep with me but he wouldn't ever ask me to compromise my beliefs. He wanted me because no man has ever touched me and it was clear that he was a very possessive man, what is his is his, he doesn't share and he doesn't play around.
                          
He would be the kind of guy to say something to any guy who looked at me in anything but an innocent way.
                          
I got to the entry about the time we got in a fight and from there I knew it would be hard to read, it's going to bring up bad memories about just how he made me feel, how he made me feel worthless and disposable.