[Chapter Sixty-One] Lacey's Last Thoughts *Bonus*

                                    

                                          
                      "You think you want to die, 
                         but in reality you just want to be saved"
                          
I wrote this chapter becasue i promised i would after the chapter where she died, but it's short because it's depressing and sad and it's the reasoning into why she killed herself and what she felt right before she died, so yeah.
                          
Thanks to Jessmb94 for the picture of lacy for this one. <3 (and for the new cover)
                          
Chapter Sixty-One – Lacey's Last Thoughts
 BONUS CHAPTER 
 Lacey's Pov
                          
I spent the whole night making plans with Bailey that deep down I knew I wouldn't keep. I knew how my life was going and I knew I wasn't strong enough for this and I couldn't bare putting my family though another relapse, I couldn't bare the thought of Bailey and Julian seeing me get hooked on heroin again.
                          
I couldn't do it the last time and I couldn't do it now, I was too weak willed and I wouldn't put myself through it all again.
                          
I spent the night with Bailey one last time and I laid awake all night just watching her because I couldn't fathom leaving forever but I just couldn't leave here, I just couldn't do that to myself, it would be selfish of me to keep living my life hurting people.
                          
I loved Bailey, both like a sister and I adored her in all the ways that Julian did and I turned to her and played with her hair as I took in her beautiful face, I knew they were going to make it and my eyes started to water because if I followed through with my decision I wouldn't be there to see it, I wouldn't be there for the most important day of her life but I also wouldn't be there anyway because I would probably kill myself from an overdose by then.
                          
I was about to make a huge decision in my life, either I would end things now or I would be leaving in a couple days and tossed out into the cold reality of the real world. I tossed and turned all night but I couldn't shake the feeling that I needed to do this, I needed to go through with this.
                          
I replayed all the memories I had in here with them because tomorrow there will be no more memories, there will be no more turning back, there will be no redo and there will be no more anything, I'll be gone and it's going to be final, no turning back.
                          
I started to freak out at how final it was, was I really about to do this, was I really about to actually give up and kill myself because I was too scared? I silently sobbed in bed and I just felt so lost, I didn't know what to do.
                          
I thought that maybe I should go see Robert; I could tell him what I was thinking about doing, I could tell him that I wasn't actually ready to leave yet and maybe he would keep me here and then I could get to a place where I was ready to leave.
                          
I weighed each side of it and then the light started to come up I still didn't know what to do, it was only six when Julian came in and grabbed his IPod he had forgotten and I pretended I was asleep, he would get up early every morning to work out before he showered and woke us up for breakfast, I only had a couple more hours to figure this all out and I wasn't any closer to it after obsessing all night.
                          
I left the room when she started to stir because I couldn't face her right now, I grabbed my journal and brought it to the art room to write letters to her, Julian and my family just in case, I didn't want them to hate me but as I wrote each letter I felt calmer about the decision for some reason, a part of me hoped it would freak me out again and make me regret even thinking about it but it didn't. They would hurt for a little bit but they would be better off without me eventually.
                          
I would have one last session with Robert later and then maybe I could make up my mind in peace.
                          
A couple hours later I went back to the room when I knew Bailey was at therapy and I went to take a shower but as I looked into the mirror I felt just disgusted with myself, I raised a fist and smashed it into the mirror, there was blood and broken glass but I felt nothing!
                          
I felt absolutely nothing, no pain, no joy, nothing but emptiness, I was empty and worthless and I hated myself and as I looked into the mirror I saw broken pieces of myself staring back at me, that's how I felt on the inside, shattered and broken.
                          
Why did I ever get involved with her, if it wasn't for her I never would have done drugs, I would be in college right now drinking and partying and having fun, stressing about finals and finding a nice girl be with. I would be studying art and drawing naked people but instead I was in here, I'd ruined my life.
                          
I grabbed a chunk of glass and gently pushed it against my skin, lightly cutting through the skin and I still felt nothing, there was no physical pain and so I grabbed it in my left hand and slashed it across my right wrist and quickly did the other side too before I laid down on the ground.
                          
My hands were covered in blood from smashing the mirror, my hands were cut from holding the glass and as I hazily raised my hands up the blood poured from my wrists and down my arms and I watched it in fascination, there was so much blood and the longer I stared the blurrier it all got until I realized something.
                          
I was about to die.
                          
As each drop of blood poured from my veins like a busting damn the realization that I had killed myself came into my mind as memories flashed before my eyes, my eyes watered because I couldn't move and soon those memories will be nothing, I will be nothing but a body that will be put in the ground.
                          
Dear lord please forgive me for what I have done.
                          
As I laid there both crying and bleeding out I felt peace, for the first time in my life I was at peace and it was moments before I died, I cried because I wished with all my heart I could have found this when I would live.
                          
I just hoped they could all forgive me, Bailey and Julian were the last people I thought about before it felt like I drifted off to sleep, but I knew I wasn't going to sleep, I was succumbing to death.


                          
Thank you all for sticking with me while i wrote this, it was a small idea that grew into a story and i wanted to branch off and try something new.


                          
you have no idea how much all your support means to me and how much it means to me to have 1 MILLION reads on this as i finish it.

i love you all and i hope you all stay tued for the sequel as they struggle alone and together with being out, his job, family, and a whole other amount of problems. 

                          
Getting clean is only half the battle, the other half is staying that way.

I love you guys, you're amazing.