10.

                                    

                                          
Taelynn. 
                          
I'm so sorry for what I did to you, I was off some pills and I wasn't myself. I can't even stomach what I have done, that's why I'm going to turn myself in. I feel awful and disgusted with myself. I know it's been two weeks; and I can no long live like this. I really do love you; and I know it's hard but in order to move on I hope one day you could visit me and forgive me. I pray that you get better; and don't let what I did to you ruin you. 
                          
I take full responsibility NOTHING was your fault and I hope you wouldn't blame yourself for my actions. You told me no, and didn't give me consent and that is considered rape. I don't know what you're going through but just know you're beautiful and always will be Taee. I took something from you, and I could never forgive myself for that. Please get the help that you need, and I know this will not fix what I have done but when it's time please testify, and I am truly sorry for raping you.
                          
-Kevin
                          
I read the text from the unfamiliar number that I had just received over and over; in my head letting the tears fall uncontrollably as I sat with my knees in my chest in the bathroom. It was two in the morning and I just had another nightmare. Although it has been two weeks now; it still was in my mind and some nights were worse than others.
                          
I'm not sure if I'm nervous because I get my test results back; or the fact I have to live with this for the rest of my life. I was glad my period had came; and a pregnancy test had came back negative, but why should I even have to go through this? 
                          
I got up, feeling a panic attack coming on and slipped on my house-shoes; I had to be around my parents before I lost it. Walking to their room door; I started to walk in until I heard faint moans; deciding against interrupting them I left them be, after moving into the new house, and taking care of me they hadn't had much time to their self and I felt bad because; something that happened two weeks ago I couldn't get over it. I was trying to move on; but I couldn't erase the images. 
                          
I started to go back to my room; but I really couldn't be alone right now and I knew I couldn't be in Quincy's room past 11 but I desperately needed to talk to someone; sneaking down the stairs I crept into his room and knocked lightly. He had moved in and been job searching; he was still jumpy around my dad as if he was going to strike and hit him any moment, and I would find him holding his chest crying to himself sometimes when he thinks he's alone. 
                          
Being shot was traumatic for him; just like being raped was for me and we both blamed ourselves. 
                          
"Q" I whispered and invited myself in when he didn't answer, I closed the door behind me and counted to ten in my head to calm myself down. It's just a closed door. I opened my eyes; and seeing that he was sleep I sat an alarm for nine; right before my parents get up to cook breakfast, took off my house-shoes and climbed into the bed with him and laid on his chest. 
                          
"You gone get me kicked out" His deep voice scared me. "You think I don't feel you next to me every night?" He chuckled. 
                          
"I just sleep better here.." I sighed. "Kevin texted me" I sighed and took a deep breath. 
                          
"For what?" He sat up and turned the light on. "Did he say where he was hiding at? I want to talk to him" He looked at me and pulled me into him, wiping my tears. "I'm here for you" I sniffled and hugged him until I calmed myself down, I felt so weak it's not a day that I don't cry about this. 
                          
"He turned himself in, I guess I just don't know how to feel? I felt the apology was sincere..  but that doesn't take what happens out of my mind? I don't want to forgive him or care too. I want him to hurt how I did.. not in that way.. But you know? Feel the pain I feel.." I looked up to stop the tears and just let him read the text for him self. 
                          
I was confused; a part of me felt bad for him and why? When he hurt me? I had a good heart and I hated that; I know he was sincere behind that but I didn't want to believe it because he still did that to me; and fucked me up for life. I was tired of nightmares and feeling shocked, guilty, afraid, ashamed, powerless, angry, depressed and afraid of being touched. 
                          
I just wanted to pretend it never happened; and got back to my regular life. It happened and I needed to get over it; I would just push it to the back of my mind. 
                          
"What you think about counseling?" Quincy looked at me hopeful. 
                          
"No, it's fine, I'm fine and I will be. I'm just going to forget it happened" I wiped my eyes. 
                          
"This is just a phase; we need you help. You can't bottle this-" 
                          
"Can we lay down? I'm fine Q just shut the fuck up damn." I no longer wanted to talk about it, they couldn't force me to or see an therapist. I didn't want too, and I wouldn't. If I wanted to hate myself, then I would. 
                          
"You can go lay in your room if you gone act like that with me. Just go." He handed me my phone and I snatched it; storming out of his room and slamming the door behind me going into my room. Before I got to lay down, Quincy stormed into my room and shut the door behind him. 
                          
"Open the door" I quickly said and he did as told and I let out a breath. 
                          
"I don't like when you curse at me or be mad; I'm sorry if I tried to make you talk or do something you didn't want to do, it's not best to try to bottle it up inside and I just want you to get the help you need. Something I failed to do; and now I'm honestly fucked up" He sighed and sat on my bed and I heard sniffles and my heart broke. 
                          
Seeing a man cry; will make you cry for no reason. I swear; it's so many emotions behind a mans cry you can feel it. 
                          
"I'm sorry Q; I just want to forget about it. I'm so tired of crying... If I don't be better soon I promise I'll try it okay?" I sighed and removed his hands and wiped his face sitting beside him. 
                          
"You know.. I love my dad and some days I want to go back home to see him? Why couldn't he love me Tae? Why couldn't he treat me how your dad's treat you? That shit hurt me.. that man fucking beat me like I wasn't shit, he killed my sister and fucking buried her in the back yard.. He shot-" He choked on his words and broke down and I held him crying tears of my own. "I don't want to be here man; I don't want to do this" He removed me from him and stood up. 
                          
"Don't say that; you do want to be here.. right? You promised me you wouldn't.." I choked and grabbed his arm before he walked off and grabbed his face into my hands only to find out he was serious. 
                          
"I made a lot of promises.." He let the tears fall and avoided eye contact with me. 
                          
"Please Q.. you can't.. Look at me" I demanded. "We can both go get help, I'll go. Just promise me you wouldn't? I don't want to lose you" He looked me into my eyes and I wiped his tears. "Promise me?" I begged for an answer. I really couldn't lose him; especially to suicide. 
                          
"Sure, can I just go to bed?" He looked away from me, but he knew that, that wasn't the answer I was looking for so I continued to stare at him. "Okay T, I promise alright? I just have these moments and thank you for stopping me alright? I promise." We stared at each other for a moment before he pecked my lips; and then walked out quickly. 
                          
"I- well- goodnight then" I mumbled and touched my lips. That was the best thing that happened to me within these two weeks, the last kiss I had was Kevin forcing himself on me and I was glad that Quincy kissed me even if was just a peck; now I didn't have to remember Kevin's lips being the last ones on me. This won't changed what happened; but it helped a little. 
                          
"That's cute" I jumped seeing my dad standing at the door, mugging me "Let me talk to y'all real fast" he walked down the stairs with Q right in front of him; and of course that's the part he walked in on.