Dear Liam

                                    

                                          
Dear Liam,
                          
First of all, I'm so sorry about that standard reply-postcard you got in your mail. It must"ve reinforced your feeling that I forgot all about you, which I havent. I have this secretary who replies to all fan mail with that card, and then she gives all of it to me, for when I feel like going through it. Yours was in a particularly large batch that laid in my study for quite a while, until I went through it on another night where nothing was on TV. Yours was the second letter I saw when I turned the bag upside down. At first, I didn't believe it was you, the Liam Payne who's address was scribbled on the back of the envelope, but I was intrigued and opened the letter anyway. I'm happy I did.
                          
Is is really twenty years now? It doesn't feel like that. I don't feel like that. But I've never been very fond of the idea of growing old, I'm sure you'll remember that one time when I thought I found a grey hair. I made you search through my curls for hours on end. Being 42 comes with a whole lot more grey hairs, thank God for hair dye. 
                          
I'm glad to hear that you've lived a happy life. And that David of yours seems like one of a kind. It's good to see that you've found the love you always deserved to have. Even if that love was not me. And your children, I've always known you'd make a terrific father some day, and I'm sure you are now. Even though you feel sad about what they have to go through, they are lucky to still have you. I'm sorry for your loss Liam. I can't say I know how you feel, because I most definitely don't, but I hope you know I am sincerely sorry. I would've loved to meet him, the man that loved you so much, I'm sure I would've liked him, even if it's only for making you happy.
                          
I knew you were there when I came to get my things Liam, I heard you crying. But you weren't the only stubborn one. You can't take all the blame on you, I've had my share in our break up too. I could've come back to you, explained what happened and listened to what you thought that happened. I could've been the one to call you, more than only that one time to tell you when I was coming to get my stuff. I could've gotten you out from under that staircase, which is a very cliché place to hide, by the way. But I too was convinced I was right, but now I realise there was no right or wrong in that stupid argument. I shouldn't have let you walk away, but I did and I never had the guts to make up for it. 
                          
That scrapbook, it's not childish. It's cute. I'm sure it would've been my favourite wedding gift. I can only imagine how much it hurt when you got all the information and promotion we'd requested for our wedding. In a way, I'm happy it came to you, because I don't think I could've handled it. I went to the church, you know. On the day that we were supposed to get married. I don't even know why I did it. Maybe I was hoping you would be there, that we could give us another chance, maybe even that you would've come to marry me after all. Even if we hadn't seen each other for over 9 months that day. There was another wedding going on when I arrived there, and some people assumed I was invited and got me inside. It was quite weird, being in a wedding ceremony for two people you've never met before. Especially because I couldn't stop thinking that it should've been us, in the front. Ironically enough, that wedding is where I met Emily. She gave me a tissue when she noticed me searching my pockets for my handkerchief that I of course left at home, as usual. It turned out she didn't want to be there either, it was one of her best friends getting married, but she hated the groom, and she was convinced their marriage wouldn't last long. She appeared to be right, they divorced a year later.
                          
We ended up talking after the ceremony, and she decided to sneak me into the wedding reception as her date, the groom's parents were paying anyway. We exchanged phone numbers that night, but it wasn't until I ran into her at the supermarket a few months later that we started dating. I would've proposed to her somewhere along the way, but she made it perfectly clear that she never wanted to get married. We did want children together though. We started talking about it around the time I was in the studio to record my first album, must be about 13 years ago now. At first, we had a lot of fun trying to get pregnant, but the fun soon was replaced by disappointment. I wanted to consult a doctor after a year and a half, but Emily didn't want that. She didn't want to be the one responsible for us not having children, even if that meant that we would never have any. I guess that was what drove us apart in the end. I've always wanted children, I'm sure you know that, remembering our discussions about names we would never give our kids, and she just didn't want it so badly. Somehow I started to blame her for us not having kids, subconsciously, and those last few months, we never did anything but fight. it was probably best for us to break up. It was a pretty clean break up, this one. We neatly devided our stuff. I got our cat, the next best thing to a kid, I suppose.
                          
I've never been in a long term relationship since then. A few months here and there, but nothing really serious. So that's how I ended up here, alone. Not that I want you to feel sorry for me, because after all, my life has been pretty incredible, travelling around the world and doing what I love the most, but sometimes I just wish there was more to come home to than my cat. 
                          
I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one who never forgot about us, who never stopped loving the other. Whatever happens Liam, I'd never be able to forget you or what we had. What you've done for me. I know for a fact that I wouldn't be where I am now if it wasn't for you. I would probably still be that shy, damaged boy I used to be, the silent song writer behind the hits. If I would've managed to write any other hits, that is. I'll be forever grateful for you finding me, and having faith in me. And for having the full DVD-collection of Friends. Who knows what would've happened if we didn't watch them together on your bed.
                          
Is is silly that it makes me feel happy when I read about you listening to my music when you're lonely? I feel like I can still be there for you that way, even though it's only through a CD. 
                          
I'm not sure if you want to keep in contact after this, and I would've included my email address if I didn't know how much you love writing these old fashioned hand written letters. So I'll just let you my home address below, I'd be happy to hear from you some more, but you don't have to feel obliged to send me another letter. 
                          
I still love you too, Liam.
                          
Love,
                          
Haz
                          
PS: nobody ever called me Haz, I wouldn't let them. It's something only you could.