chapter thirty-one

                                    

                                          
THE REST OF my day goes by in a complete and utter blur as I sink into my thoughts. They don't seem to go away. They just sit and brew, and I can't stop them. They feel sticky on my skin as I twist in my seat, opening the cabinet behind my desk to grab my bag. I'm about to stand when my phone screen lights up, and for a second, I let my heart leap with the hope that I'll find Luke's name on the screen.
There's a part of me that thinks the space between our last phone call and now means something, but it's just my thoughts spiraling. The kind of thoughts that I let myself get overwhelmed by. The kind that keep me awake at night.
When I reach for the phone, I don't find Luke's name. I find Wren's name instead, and that small ounce of hope I had diminishes as I bring it up to my ear as I answer.
"Hi Wren," I say with a small smile as I lean back in my chair. "Happy packing?"
His laugh fills my ear as I stir in my seat. "Funny," he says. "Remind me again why I agreed to do this? Moving across the country is a lot of work."
"I think you'll make it work, Dr. Wheeler," I tell him.
"Yeah, I doubt that," he says, "but speaking of packing, I was wondering how up to coming over and helping you are. I'll feed you."
My lips curl up as I move to stand up. "I'll be over in just a bit."
"I'll order the pizza."
"I'll see you soon," I tell him before ending the call. My gaze lingers on the screen as I contemplate trying to call Luke, the fear of it going to voicemail like last time filling me with dread. It already feels like we're closing ourselves off, but I immediately have to remind myself it's not true. He's busy. I knew he was going to be busy. I knew this was going to be hard.
But that was all before.
I didn't have to actually deal with it. It was a distant thought that quickly became my reality, and I have to face it. I have no choice but to make this work. I will make it work. I have to because I want Luke in my future. I don't see one without him. I don't know when it shifted and when my future of independence changed to one with a partner, but it happened and I don't know how to not want it now.
When I reach Wren and Layla's apartment, which is only a few blocks over from my office building, I'm met with the warmth of my brother's smile when he opens the door. "Hey," he says. "Right on time. Pizza just got here."
"Cool," I say as he crosses the living room to the kitchen as I shut the door behind me. I lean down to unzip my boots before setting my bag and coat on the couch.
"Did you want something to drink?" Wren calls from the living room.
"Sure," I say as I lean onto the couch cushions, shutting my eye as the clip in my hair presses against the back of the couch and into my head. "Where's Layla?" I ask.
"Water, okay?" he asks as he steps out with two bottles of water. "She's spending some time with her sisters before we head out next week."
"Water's fine," I say and take the extended bottle as he props open the pizza box, pulling a slice onto the plate set on the coffee table. He picks it up and offers it to me, before doing the same with the other plate for himself. "Are you excited about Arizona?"
"Yeah, actually," he says with the nod of his head. "I mean, I hate this part." He gestures around the room to the open boxes scattered around. "But it's going to be really great. I get to work with some of the best cardiothoracic surgeons in the world and we've got a really great house lined up. Lots of space for the future, and we even have a great spare room for you and Luke to come visit us once we get settled."