twenty eight

                                    

                                          
I'm silent on the way back home, Jae's steps echoing behind mine.
                          
With a loud sigh, I hear the rustling of bags before a hand is on my shoulder just outside the house.
                          
I'm face to face with Jae.
                          
"Are you mad?" He asks.
                          
I shrug, making to turn around.
                          
He's having none of that.
                          
Both his hands are wrapped lightly around my biceps as he pulls me in.
                          
I tense when his lips brush against mine.
                          
His lips are soft, plush.
                          
But not at all like Ian's.
                          
I pull away first, face scrunched up as I glare at his feet.
                          
He stands there nervously, "I'm sorry I-"
                          
"No, it's fine just... I think I need time to think about what I want."
                          
"If it's Ian, he really shouldn't have a say on whether we should have a relationship or not.  Isn't it our decision?  You can judge for yourself if I'm such a bad person, right?"
                          
My jaw clenches.
                          
The thing is, Ian does have a right.  After all, I am carrying his baby.  
                          
I love him... right?
                          
Everytime I think of him, my heart starts to race, my palms get sweaty, and I stop breathing.
                          
I'm hiding the proof right under my hoodie.
                          
I love him.
                          
But Jae looks so hopeful and I don't understand why me... why is he suddenly interested in me?
                          
Jae's eyes fall to the ground, shoulders slumping.
                          
Guilt is suddenly lodged in my heart.
                          
"I... I can assure you that I can judge for myself if you're a bad person," I begin.
                          
And that glimmer of hope returns to his eyes and fuck... I already messed up.
                          
"But I need time," I say in a rush, "I need to think, I don't... I'm not sure I'm ready for whatever this is."
                          
"It's fine," he smiles, "I can wait.  For you, I'll wait."
                          
He leans his head against mine and steals another kiss that doesn't sit well with me.
                          
I almost feel revolted, and the baby kicking isn't helping.
                          
He pulls away and opens the door for me.
                          
I barely drop the bags in the kitchen, not even greeting mom, before I'm rushing toward the bathroom with s hand over my mouth.
                          
I haven't had morning sickness for nearly a month, but suddenly it's back 10 times worse.
                          
I land on my knees and clutch at the bowl until my knuckles turn white, cold sweat running down my back as I heave.
                          
"Easy there," my mom coos, his hands rubbing my back gently a few minutes later.
                          
It takes a while, until my sweat soaked hair is clinging to my forehead, bur when I'm done puking my guts out, I lean into his touch.
                          
He flushes the toilet and holds me for a second longer.
                          
"He left, said he needed to do something," he whispers.
                          
"Mm," I hum tiredly.
                          
His fingers run through my messy hair and Ian enters my mind.