October 14th, 2018 // 6:34 p.m.

                                    

                                          
Long time no see, Journal... I don't think it was wise of me to not write in the "therapy book." I didn't have a good time when I was away. I thought that writing my feelings & thoughts is a hassle because I have to take the book out & a pen, write, then put it all away only to bring it to therapy the next day. Yes, I want to die. Yes, I want to be alone. Yes, I have depression.
                          
But that doesn't make me less of a human. Or whatever a human is... I'm a monster in my head. These thoughts take control over me & they change me... Believe me, I'm not harmful. I'm only harmful when I get pissed. Then again, who the hell isn't harmful when they're pissed? When I get angry or just exploding with random emotions, I go out to the forest & punch. I don't care what I punch, as long as I get blood & torn skin with some sort of pain...
                          
Or I go somewhere in town & pay $75 to a group of people to beat me up. Last time I did that, I got few several bruises with a dislocated shoulder & swollen ankle with a black eye & one of my teeth came out. I also received several open wounds on my arms, legs, sides & I got a scar on my cheek from it. That scar starts from the corner of my right eye to the halfway point of my jawline.
                          
Which I found funny coming back home because my mother asked me what happened to me & I simply replied with "hit by a swerving car." All in all of that day, she believed me & she didn't pursue to question & she didn't tell anyone else. Fake friends don't even ask, so that's good, cause I didn't know what I would've said. I'm glad that I have such importance to them.
                          
I have my bottles of alcohol hidden away somewhere where only I know where it is. Hint: It's not even in the house. It's somewhere out. But I'm never going to reveal where I hid it cause why would I? It tastes amazing, the effects it gives after consuming it is fantastic, so why would I tell someone where it is just for them to take it all away? Does that make any fucking sense? Getting drunk & doing dumb shit makes me feel free from my so-called home.
                          
There is no home for me. Once I was born, it was already fucked up. My basic existence made everything worse; a year after I was born, we gotten evicted from our apartment because I couldn't stop crying. Fucking bastards. It's a baby for Christ sake. Just what do you expect from a baby?! After that we bought a house, far away from apartments & townhouses. It was all nice until my dad got arrested for drunk driving.
                          
Typical.
                          
They had to pay a fine of $500 & father got his licence suspended for a year. But the funny thing is; they had to pay more than $500. Ho got caught because he was speeding & reckless driving. Speeding 100 mph on a highway when you're supposed to go 75 mph. & him swerving in & out of lanes with honking at other drivers for no reason. Basic total: 
                          
$500 for drunk driving   $250 for speeding   $2,500 for reckless driving = A whopping $3,250.
                          
Guess who didn't get to have any toys when he was younger! You guessed it; me. As a kid, I wasn't always the brightest, because of my childhood; too many problems with me when I was born & my own parents were having second opinions on keeping me. I am a mistake, I realized that when I was at the age of seven. 
                          
When the parents were fighting. When the teachers pulled me aside & asked why I was answering the questions wrong. & when I get a 90% or higher on tests, they pull me aside & ask why I cheated on them. Why am I the one who always messes up? Why can't I do the simplest things? Why am I the one who always gets blamed for the things I didn't even do?
                          
Why am I the one getting blamed for someone else's misfortune... Why am I being told every single fucking day that I'm a failure & that I shouldn't even be alive anymore? Why am I here?