Chapter 5

                                    

                                          
For the rest of the day, I was a shell of myself. I made cup of tea after cup of tea that I sipped while standing around and looking at nothing in particular. I mostly stood in front of my television, watching the news and maybe subconsciously wanting to see Wayne's on the screen. You could say I was stunned to a state of shock. I've slept with Wayne.

                          
Twice.
                          
I kept replaying last night in my head, and my cheeks would flush red from frustration and annoyance at myself. Why was I like this?
                          
Ciel seemed to notice something was wrong. The cat kept meowing and walking around my feet, constantly putting himself in danger of getting stepped on.
                          
An internal battle was happening in my head as I tried to decide if how things were progressing were okay, and another part of my mind was yelling at me for being stupid and blind, causing a buzz in my mind that resulted in a throbbing headache.
                          
Wayne did try to get in touch with me, but I would just put down my phone and watch it ring before picking it up again and scrolling through social media when it stopped. I had to think without Wayne in the picture.
                          
The living room was a mess, my whole house was a mess, but it didn't stop me from just sitting on the couch and doing nothing. I didn't feel like cleaning, I didn't feel like talking. I didn't feel like doing anything. A sigh left my lips when I noticed Ciel was rubbing his body against my legs again. It was around five in the evening now — a whole day wasted lounging in the sitting room and doing nothing but pressing the remote and my phone. I even missed work today to wallow in how stupid I was.
                          
Without a second thought, I bent down to pick up Ciel before sitting him on my lap. I gave his head a rub before returning my full attention to my phone. I rose a brow when I came across an article with Wayne's name on it. I bit down on my dry chapped lip, eyeing the headline before pressing read. I liked reading about Wayne, and all the investment he was making in town as small as this won't be old news anytime soon.
                          
Q: What made you decide to come here?
                          
A: Well, I've had the intention of moving here for a while.
                          
Q: Really, why?
                          
"That's enough internet for me," I decided as I clicked off the article and put away my phone. Ciel was startled when I got up. He hissed at me but licked his paw and continued to follow me around. He followed me into the bedroom, climbing and sitting on the bedside table when I plopped myself on the mattress face first. I licked my dry lips again, thinking about water for a bit but I shook my head before burying it in the nearest pillow. I tried to get Wayne out of my head, but as anyone would guess, I had little success.
                          
"Why?" I asked myself, turning and taking my pillow with it. I was hugging it as I stared up at the ceiling. "He's been the worst to me, so why?" I kept asking myself as memories from the past flooded my mind. Anyone who had someone do what Wayne did to me to them logically wouldn't love the person, even if they did at first. So why did I still have feelings for him? Was it because he promised to change? — No, it's not that. I've never been out of love with him. Even when he was gone for five years I still loved him.
                          
I rolled in bed again, letting go of the pillow before running a hand through my hair. The blue was fading, and my dark roots were showing. I should dye it again.
                          
I shut my eyes again like it would help me focus on not thinking about him.
                          
It didn't work.
                          
When I was in university I remember being extremely protective of Wayne's reputation. When people would curse at him behind his back and suggest he bought his grades, I would defend him. When people accused Wayne of being a snob that did drugs out of sight, I would defend him. I would defend him so much that people started thinking I had something for him. Of course, it was true, but it wasn't a nice thing for people to know when Wayne had to pretend he didn't know me from anywhere. I took the burden of assumption, and Wayne would join to make my life hell sometimes. I was the weird loner that had a 'fag crush' on our year's top student,