twenty

                                    

                                          
Olivia,
                          
After a few weeks, I finally worked up the courage to visit our daughter in the NICU. I was a horrible father, I know, but the thought of seeing the piece of you that remained in my world only reminded me of what I had lost.
                          
Niall had been visiting her daily though. Who would have thought Niall of all people would be checking up on our baby girl? The party god himself had turned into quite the baby charmer, arguably winning himself the role of godfather. He gave me updates, and told me that she was getting stronger and stronger every day. I knew she would. Her mother was a fighter, and I couldn't imagine she would be any different. 
                          
The first time I laid eyes on her, I couldn't believe how small she was. I knew she would be small, babies are small, but something about seeing her in person took my breath away. She was so peaceful, laying in her little NICU bed.
                          
The nurse let me hold her, and as soon as I held her in my arms I felt a sense of calm. She brought me peace, the first peace that I had had in weeks. I think it was because of you, this piece of you that I now held. She didn't fuss or cry, she just looked up at me with her tiny little eyes-the same color as yours.
                          
I felt myself begin to tear up. I definitely hadn't been bottling up emotions over the past few weeks, but these tears for the first time didn't feel all full of anger and heartache. I felt a small hint of joy. Our baby girl, the one that we had waited for so long to meet, was finally here.
                          
We never had a chance to decide on a name. You always wanted something classic, where I thought maybe we should think outside the box. We'd went through baby book after baby book searching for the right one. You stressed about not having one decided before the baby came. I had told you that when the baby was born something would just click. We would know the name when we saw her.
                          
I looked at our baby girl. Beautiful, calm, but with a strong sense of will and perseverance. She had been through so much in her first few weeks of life. An accident, the death of her mother,  the absence of her father, but yet, through it all she kept fighting. She needed a name that would encompass all that, the life that she had already lived.
                          
So I ended up choosing Scarlett. Because what way to honor you, her mother, than to name her after you. She was my new world, now that you were gone, and holding her in my arms I realized that it was my job to love her as much as I had loved you. 
                          
I didn't know the first thing about raising a daughter. Heck, I didn't know much about girls in general. It was going to be a journey, I was sure of that. I'd make mistakes and you would laugh at me from above, thinking about how I was doing it all wrong. And maybe I would be, but I'd figure it out eventually. 
                          
As I held Scarlett in my arms, I made a new promise to you. I promised you that I would take care of her, protect her, and love her as unconditionally as you had loved me. I would never abandon her again. Not even when I was in the darkest of places. That's what you would want from me. That's how I would continue to show you just how much I loved you.
                          
"Hi Scarlett," I whispered sweetly, grabbing her little hand in my fingers. "It's me, your daddy."
                          
She looked up at me, and though I knew she was too small to show emotions, I swear she gave me a little smile.
                          
"It's just gonna be the two of us for a while, but that's going to be okay. I love you very much, and I'm going to take care of you okay? We are going to take care of each other."
                          
With my daughter in my arms I felt for the first time a sense of hope. Maybe my life wasn't over. Maybe this wasn't the end. And maybe Olivia, we don't just get one great love in life. Maybe we get two.
                          
All the love,
                          
H