Chapter 64

                                    

                                          
#ABNQ64 Chapter 64
                          
Five years ago... 
                          
My heart was heavy. Iniisip ko pa lang na maaalis ako sa medschool, sumasakit na ang puso ko. I knew I gave it my best shot... At kung matanggal man ako dito, wala akong magiging pagsisisi dahil binigay ko lahat ng makakaya ko. 
                          
Totoo nga siguro iyong sinasabi nila. That just because you want it doesn't mean you'll get it. Life doesn't work that way—never did and never will. You just have to make your peace with it. 
                          
"Hey," Psalm said when he finally called me. My tears were all dried up. Umiyak lang ako nang umiyak kanina hanggang sa wala ng lumabas na luha. I never knew that crying could be that tiring... that it could bring you so down that you'd start wondering if this was what rock bottom was. 
                          
"Hey..." sabi ko habang pilit na pinasigla ang boses ko. 
                          
"Are you okay?" he asked worriedly. I knew I couldn't hide it from him, and it's not like I didn't want to. Psalm had always been there right from the start. Even when we weren't together, he was always there. Siguro kaya ang tagal din naming naging magkaibigan bago naging kami. Because I feel comfortable around him. No pretentions, no nothing. With him around, I can be just Joey. And he likes me for me. I didn't need to pretend to be someone else. 
                          
"Not really." I took a deep breath. "I failed."
                          
Silence engulfed us. I knew he didn't know the right words to say, and I understood it. If I were in his place, I wouldn't know what to say either. Kasi ano ba ang dapat sabihin sa mga taong bumagsak kahit ginawa naman nila lahat ng makakaya nila? May mga salita ba talagang makakaalis nung sakit? Nung self-doubt? 
                          
Silence was the best choice. Silence was comforting. 
                          
"I'll take the remedial exam in two weeks," I said when he didn't say a word. 
                          
"I'll go home tomorrow," he said. 
                          
"No, no," I quickly said. This was one of the reasons why I hesitated to tell him because I knew that he'd want to go home. I wanted him here, but I also knew that his family needed him, too. 'Di naman sa akin lang umiikot iyong mundo niya. "You're doing some work there din, 'di ba? Finish all your commitments. I promise, malungkot lang ako but I'll get better. Medyo tanggap ko rin naman na dati pa..."
                          
I heard him sighing. "Don't say that."
                          
"Alam ko naman talaga. You see me struggling. Maybe this is not really for me."
                          
There was another sigh again. I bet if he were here, I'd see him running his fingers across his broccoli hair. Napa-ngiti ako. Damn. I miss this guy so much. I miss seeing him every morning. Palagi niya kasi akong dinadalhan ng pagkain simula nung bakasyon ako. It felt like he made it his personal mission na patabain ulit ako kasi sabi niya sobrang payat ko na raw ever since I started school. 
                          
"What's wrong with struggling? Doesn't that mean that you want it so bad that you do everything to make it happen?" he asked. "You make it sound like trying is a bad thing."
                          
Hindi ako naka-sagot. 
                          
"Joey, there's nothing wrong with working your ass off for something that you badly wanted. You wanna know what's wrong? Giving up without even trying. That's what's wrong."
                          
I bit my lower lip. "I miss you."
                          
"I'm going home."
                          
Umiling ako. "No. You stay there. I'll study here. Pagbalik mo, okay na ako," I said. I knew Psalm would protest, but I continued to convince him to stay there. Alam ko na importante iyong dahilan kung bakit siya pumunta doon. He kept on talking about that for weeks. I needed to hold the fort on my own.