[Chapter Forty-Five] You Matter Too

                                    

                                          
Chapter Forty-Five- 
 Julian's Pov
                          
We were curled up that night when she looked over at me
                          
"I've been wanting to talk to you about something." She suddenly blurts out and I looked at her to see her looking a little uneasy
                          
"What's wrong?" I asked and she sighed
                          
"You're doing it again." she mumbled and I looked at her confused
                          
"What is it that I'm doing?" I asked her
                          
"You've been pushing me so hard and worrying about me but you've been shutting me out tohow you're doing." She said
                          
"I'm fine baby." I smiled at her
                          
"No you aren't." she frowned and I rolled my eyes
                          
"I am."
                          
"You're a recovering cocaine addict and recovering alcoholic, I would say you are not okay." She said and I frowned at her
                          
"I'm fine." I told her and she looked unconvinced
                          
"See, you make me talk about it but you refuse to." she pulled out of my arms and stood up and I felt the instant cold from her body leaving mine.
                          
"Because I don't need to." I had Robert for that.
                          
"You haven't even talked about Lacey." She whispered and I flinched "I know it was how you lost Sara and you can't ignore it forever." She didn't even know everything that happened with Sara.
                          
"I don't want to talk about it!" I yelled at her and I paced the room angrily while she just glared at me in that adorable way she did
                          
"And do you think I ever wanted to talk about it either?" she asked annoyed.
                          
"It's not the same thing." I shot at her and she rolled her eyes. Great, we were fighting again.
                          
"How the hell isn't it?" she asked
                          
"Because I'm supposed to protect you, you're supposed to be able to rely on me. Being weak doesn't help either of us." I crossed my arms defensivly.
                          
"You're so worried about me you refuse to think of yourself." She whispered and I sighed
                          
"Is it such a bad thing to worry about you?" I asked her and she shook her head
                          
"No but you need to take care of yourself too. I know I've been a mess with Drew and Lacey but you can't use that as an excuse to not work through your problems. You could relapse just like I can. You miss her just like I do."
                          
"I don't want to talk about it." I shot that down "Let's just go to bed." And shook her head sadly
                          
"I'm going to sleep in my own room." She bit her lip and I looked at her confused
                          
"Why? Do we need to"
                          
"Not we, me." she wouldn't look at me
                          
"You don't want to sleep with me?" I asked, upset by that.
                          
"I love you Julian but I don't know if us being together is a good idea." She absolutely refused to look at me and my heart beat painfully in my chest as she said that
                          
"What?" I could barely say above a whisper.
                          
"I just."
                          
"What more do you need from me Bailey! I love you and I'm trying to give you everything I can, I do everything I can for you!" I said angry now.
                          
"That's the problem, you're so worried about me that you won't focus on you and I won't let you do that." I walked over to her and cradled her face in my hands and I felt her wet cheeks.
                          
"Don't do this." I pleaded with her
                          
"I have to." she turned away from me but I grabbed her arm
                          
"No you don't. You're doing this because you're scared." I told her and she looked up at me and shook her head
                          
"I'm not afraid of being with you. I'm afraid of holding you back and I won't let you keep avoiding it and if ending things is the only way that you'll start thinking about yourself then I need to let you go." She said before she walked out of my room and if she had it her way, my life.
                          
I felt like someone kicked me in the chest as I sat back down on my bed and I realized I loved her a whole lot more than I thought I did.
                          
As the next could days passed I shut myself off from the world and refused to talk again and she refused to see me, she didn't come for food, she didn't answer when I knocked and the nightmares were back and I hadn't slept since she left.
                          
I laid down in my bed and all the tortured thoughts I've bene pushing from my mind came swarming in all at once in full force, maybe I didn't deserve her after everything I did. I watched the minutes tick by as I thought about how many times I stumbled to a bed with a stranger, how I would section off the drugs and do a line, dropping out of medical school, failing to protect my mother, Seeing Sara's dead body at the wake, Lacey's dead body, her leaving and finally Mia.
                          
Mia was so fucking painful to talk about and the thoughts of her beautiful face, green eyes and blonde curls never failed to bring me to tears.
                          
Sara was gone, Mia was gone, Lacey was gone and now Bailey was gone too.
                          
I stared up at the ceiling and then I refused to let her leave me too but the only way to get her to stay was to talk and that was my biggest fear. Out of the four she was the only one I could have back and these past couple days felt like forever.
                          
I needed her in my life, without her I just didn't see a point in staying clean and I know it's a lot to put on a person but as I look into her eyes I want to be better for her, I want to be the old me I tried so hard to get rid of all those years ago.
                          
I didn't want to talk about it and I could see her point now. I pulled myself out of bed and I grabbed the movie I hadn't watched in eight years before walking to her room quietly so no one would see.
                          
I opened her door and she was lying in Lacey's bed clutching a pillow, her eyes red and puffy.
                          
"You can't be here." She told me and I shut the door and leaned against it and took a breath as I looked at her, not sure if I was ready to really talk about this.
                          
I looked down at the movie and then back at her
                          
"Her name was Mia." I choked on her name and I walked over to her and crawled into bed with her, pressing my chest to her back as I held her. I needed her because on my own I was weak; she made me strong. Years of painful memories cascaded down my face, pouring from my eyes like a waterfall. She turned towards me and pulled me to her, my head resting on her stomach as she ran her hands through my hair.
                          
"Her name was Mia and she was my world." I said and she tensed 
                          
"Tell me about her." she whispered and I once again thought about if I was ready or not for this.
                          
Next chapter is in his POV
What's everyones guess on Mia?