A voice in the back of his head is telling him not to think about it, telling him that it wasn't his fault and that he helped in the best way he could. 
                          
But a voice which was way, way closer to the front of his head told him that he's the reason why Mark only got worse. That he's the reason why Mark lost more weight and grew more hair on his arms.
                          
Yugyeom blames himself. 
                          
And since no one else knows, no one is there to tell him otherwise, nothing stops him from blaming himself. 
                          
He continues to watch, continues to watch how his hyungs know exactly what to do. 
                          
How Jaebum hyung knows that he has to whisper encouraging words to Mark in order for the latter to calm down.
                          
How Jackson hyung knows that he has to stroke through Mark's hair to keep the eldest at ease. 
                          
How Jinyoung hyung knows that he has to cover Mark in a blanket because he was shaking all over. 
                          
How Youngjae hyung knows that he has to pat a steady beat on Mark's stomach in order to keep him from retching out stomach bile. 
                          
How Bambam hyung knows that he has to kiss Mark's knuckles to give the elder constant assurance that they're there with him. 
                          
He watches how he doesn't move. 
                          
He watches how Mark's eyes close, most probably from exhaustion.
                          
He watches how everyone seems alarmed for a moment, before Jackson tells them it's best for Mark to rest. 
                          
He watches how they look at him, how Youngjae beckons him forward. 
                          
But then he feels how his stomach churns, guilt ripping away at his insides. 
                          
His limbs feel like lead, like they weighed hundreds of pounds each, as he walked forward. 
                          
He feels lightheaded when he sits down next to Youngjae.
                          
"Mark hyung is good at keeping secrets, isn't he?" The boy asks, and Yugyeom shakily nods, not tearing his eyes away from the sleeping eldest. His head is laying on Jackson's lap and for the first time in a long time, he doesn't look too distressed. 
                          
Finally, Mark looks calm. 
                          
"We should've looked out for him better. I noticed how thin he was getting." Bambam pipes into their conversation, watching their eldest sadly. 
                          
Yugyeom feels the guilt ricochet in his stomach, and he feels like he's gonna puke from how sick he is of himself. 
                          
Some minutes later, when the doctor comes into the room and checks Mark's, well, everything, Yugyeom feels horrible for letting his boyfriend's state some to this. 
                          
Mark always cares so much about them. Why couldn't he deliver the same amount of attention? 
                          
Twenty minutes later, the longest twenty minutes of Yugyeom's life, when the doctor announces everything Mark has suffered from, Yugyeom feels his heart stop beating. 
                          
Malnourished. 
                          
Overexertion. 
                          
Dehydration. 
                          
But the worst one of all, the one the doctors lists after Jinyoung gives him a bit of backstory,
                          
Bulimia. 
                          
The second that word slips from the doctor's lips, Yugyeom feels five pairs of eyes burn through him. 
                          
He feels his head spin for a while, registering the fact that Mark has suffered from bulimia. 
                          
The urge to puke comes back stronger now that he finally understands the gravity of those words. 
                          
He tunes out everything after that, doesn't hear what the doctor says, but it's fine because the other hyungs do. 
                          
Yugyeom doesn't notice until the doctor left, along with numbness in his body, but Jinyoung was holding his hand, soothingly rubbing a thumb over his knuckles. 
                          
He thinks that he doesn't need the soothing. 
                          
Mark was the one who suffered more. 
                          
"Are you okay?" Jinyoung asks quietly after a while, hand still attached to Yugyeom's. 
                          
The maknae wants to say something about how he should fuss about Mark, but he knows that Jinyoung would want a direct answer. 
                          
"Yes hyung," he says shakily, wriggling his hand free from the comforting grip of the elder. 
                          
He thinks he doesn't deserve comfort right now. 
                          
It feels like his insides are crawling with centipedes and caterpillars when he looks at his Mark hyung and the only thing he can think about is bulimia. 
                          
He has to swallow to keep bile down his throat. 
                          
The look of Mark's sunken in cheeks and thin thighs make Yugyeom want to cry, makes him want to get on his knees and apologize endlessly, profusely, to Mark. He wants to say that he's sorry, he wants to beg Mark for the forgiveness which he shouldn't get, but so badly wants. 
                          
But he can't do that. 
                          
Because the only thing that matters at the moment is Mark and getting Mark healthy again. 
                          
Not how Yugyeom was digging his nails so hard into his fists, that they left bleeding crescents. 
                          
__________
                          
i'm so sorry