forty three

                                    

                                          
Frail. 
                          
Pale. 
                          
Thin.  
                          
And brittle. 
                          
All words to describe how low Yugyeom felt at the moment. 
                          
People would make fun of him if they knew, would question why he felt frail when he was large. Would question why he felt pale when his natural skin wasn't sickly. Would question why he felt thin when he was muscly and healthy. Would question why he felt brittle when he was sturdy and strong. 
                          
Yeah. 
                          
Yugyeom thought he was all of those things too. But the universe loves to prove him wrong, he thinks it's its favourite pass time.
                          
——
                          
"Mark hyung!" Jaebum gasps, holding his arms out for the light body to fall into.
                          
Just like Yugyeom, Mark was feeling quite frail and brittle. 
                          
But Mark has a reason. 
                          
Mark hasn't eaten in over three days. 
                          
His body wasn't nourished and his body couldn't function properly without all those nutrients. 
                          
Mark is really good at hiding things, but that isn't an acceptable reason for why no one noticed. 
                          
I guess you could say Yugyeom noticed, but he decided to keep it to himself. Between himself and Mark. 
                          
Knowing the elder, he hates it when people get more up into his business than they need to, even if it's one of his boyfriends. 
                          
So Yugyeom didn't say anything about it. 
                          
But he realizes now that he should've. 
                          
He should've told someone what was going on with Mark, should've told someone so that they could help. He should've told someone, because he obviously couldn't take care of it on his own.
                          
Couldn't take care of Mark on his own. 
                          
He watches, frozen, how Jackson carries Mark to the couch in their practice room, how Youngjae and Bambam watch while gnawing at their lips, how Jinyoung is on the phone with what he assumes is the manager, and how Jaebum is frantically speaking into his phone. With whom, he doesn't know. 
                          
He stands there, useless as he watches his hyungs take care of their eldest. 
                          
Something he wasn't able to do.
                          
He closes his eyes and tries to take a breather, tries to calm himself down and tells himself to think rationally, think about how to help his hyungs. 
                          
It doesn't work.
                          
When Yugyeom closes his eyes, he's met with the vision of Mark hunched over the toilet, spewing his guts out. That day was full of not eating and excruciating dance practice. Yugyeom found him in his vulnerable state that night. 
                          
Yugyeom had found him shaking on the bathroom floor with tears running down his cheeks and he promised himself that he'd keep a closer eye on Mark. He promised himself he'd help Mark get better. 
                          
He made Mark eat more and more from the next day, he made the elder drink water and eat fruits and sit at the table with them, even if he wasn't going to eat a lot. 
                          
He made Mark realize that he was perfect the way he was, that he loves him, and that everyone else loves him. 
                          
Yugyeom thought he did well.
                          
But Mark was really good at hiding things.
                          
And Yugyeom blames himself.
                          
As the only person who knew what was going on with the eldest, he blames himself for not paying enough attention, blames himself for not telling anyone, blames himself for not trying harder.