Chapter 5

                                    

                                          
(Aaaah I decided to move shit around editing is so haaaaard. Also, Jace's pupper Mochi is above^)
                          
(Jace p.o.v.)
                          
When Sam held onto me and let his emotional walls go down for a few minutes, I almost didn't know how to react.
                          
I mean, to see the person who'd hurt me so badly in such a vulnerable state threw me off. All I could do was let him cling to me and try to comfort him as best as I could. Strangely, I wasn't frightened or even the slightest bit nervous having him so close to me- I just rubbed his back with my unbroken hand.
                          
About five minutes later, Sam had dried his tears and was still holding me close- we were sitting on the floor at that point. "S-Sam... are you alright?" I whispered, keeping my voice soft.
                          
He put his hands on my shoulders and hung his head. "No. I'm not alright, Jace. I hurt you for so fucking long, I put you in the hopital, I caused you to self-harm, and I haven't even apologized properly... but here I am, crying about my shit when you've obviously had it so much worse than me. I'm incredibly selfish. I hate that about myself. You're amazing..." He lifted his head to stare me directly in the eyes. "How do you not want to push me away? Not hate me? Listen to me complain? I'm so fucking selfish, Jace... I despise it." Tears were welling up in his beautiful green eyes- I could see deep self-loathing and grief in them.
                          
"Oh..." I breathed. Sam was about to back away from me, but I quickly cupped his face in my hands. "Oh, Sam. I can't hate you. I can't hate your friends... even if you guys did hurt me. Eckhart Tolle said, "Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath." You're no different. I don't quite know what caused yours, but what I do know is that you're not a bad person. I've accidentally lashed out at others in the past... you just didn't know what to do and went about things the wrong way. I can't hate you for that." I smiled softly up at him.
                          
"But how can you just stand there and listen to me bitch about my life? When you have bigger issues than I could ever even fathom?" He gently grabbed my left wrist and unwrapped the bandages that were there, revealing the evidence of my self-harm. "I caused that, and you let me cling to you like a goddamn koala. How could you stand it?"
                          
"Because everyone is entitled to their emotions. Society is fucked up by saying things like 'you shouldn't feel bad because so many people have it worse than you' or whatever, but in reality... that's ridiculous. I was so quiet and angry at the world when I was eleven, twelve, thirteen years old because I was never allowed to express my feelings." I curled my fingers around Sam's, squeezing them softly. "I hated everyone. I was ice-cold and bitter, constantly wanting to die, thanks to my hellish home life. But when I was fourteen, I met Leo. He was a transfer student who would not leave me alone- he was happy and energetic and had some strange interest in me. I despised him at first... he was bloody annoying. The day finally came when I snapped, and I let everything out. I yelled at him for at least an hour, but when I was finally done, he just hugged me and let me cry. He was the first person to allow me to vent, and tell me that it was perfectly fine to feel the way I did. After that, we were inseparable." I took a shakey breath. "Leo was my first and only boyfriend... but our relationship never progressed past holding hands and the occasional hug, and it didn't get to last long. About a month after we first started dating, my parents found out... the day after, they began preparations to ship me off to the U.S., and I never saw him again. I didn't even get to say goodbye or explain what was happening- he probably just thinks my parents either killed me or sent me far, far away." Hot tears were welling up in my eyes and my whole body was trembling. I suddenly felt Sam's strong arms around me, and his fingers faintly stroking my hair. I nestled my head into his chest, listening to the soothing rhythm of his heartbeat.
                          
"My god, Jace..." His voice was quiet. "It's okay, let it out."
                          
I didn't need to be told twice.