Chapter 41

                                    

                                          
Evan knows that his friends are watching him with caution every time he takes a single step. As if he's unstable and is gonna go off at any moment. This is exactly what Evan didn't want, people worrying about him. He smiled at them, joked around, tried to be as convincing as possible that he was absolutely fine. He knew they wouldn't buy it, but it was damn well worth a try.
                          
The party was tomorrow.
                          
"Tyler, keep an eye on Evan tomorrow, will you?" Brock asks quietly, knowing that Tyler would protect Evan even without him asking him to. That's what best friends did, they protected one another, always looked out for them and had their best interests at heart. Evan didn't hear the question, but when Brock leaned closed to Tyler and whispered to him he felt scared.
                          
He remembered his safe place in the woods behind his house, knowing that if the party went south he could go there.
                          
Eyes still bore into his back as he balanced on a small rock wall, both of his arms out so that he had less of a chance of slipping. After a few minutes of awkward silence amongst the group, Evan stops. "Guys, stop looking at me like that, I'm still Evan. I'm not going to have a panic attack again, I have nothing to worry about right now, just stop-"
                          
"You should have told us. Clearly they're worse than ones you've previously had, Ev. Why didn't you tell us?" Craig asks, and Evan bites his tongue to hold back a reply he knows he's going to regret.
                          
He looks down at the ground, defeated. "I-I didn't want this to happen." He gestures around at everyone. "I don't want you guys to worry about me, especially since they have been getting worse and you guys know me, I don't talk about things like this, that's not me." He continues walking, not knowing what else to do. "I'm fine."
                          
"Are you sure about the party tomorrow, Ev? We understand if it's gonna be too much-" That pissed Evan off, how they thought he couldn't handle one more party just because of a panic attack. He knew that it was a good question to ask, but after what he had just said, they really didn't trust him to take care of himself?
                          
"Of course I'm sure, I'm excited to go to this party." Evan pauses. "Have to get over Jonathan somehow, right?" He continues walking in the direction of his house without another word. It isn't until he's walking through his front door that he realized what was wrong with what he just did.
                          
He said exactly what Tyler had wanted him to say.
                          
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The feeling of sinking wouldn't go away as Evan sat in his chair in front of his desk with his head in his hands. He looked at the time, three in the morning, the party was in less than twenty four hours. Temptations stung his arm as his head felt like it was swimming. Evan didn't understand.
                          
He knew the party was going to be a disaster, something was going to happen and it would leave him a complete wreck. More than he usually was these days. Evan needed to do something to take his mind off it, something that would lull him to sleep and keep him there and out of his awful dreams.
                          
Evan wanted his last time going to sleep to be peaceful. The thought of him and Tyler alone together at the party was enough to never let him close his eyes again, the realization that it was most likely going to happen was practically ensuring a future case of insomnia, if he didn't already have it.
                          
No one should be forced to live like this, if Evan ever became someone's Ash, he was going to make sure that no matter what, he would not do the same things he did. He would let them walk out the school and all the way home in fear of dooming them just like he was doomed.
                          
If he lasted one more week, he would see his mom, that's the only good thing he currently had going for him.
                          
He pulls out his phone as his thoughts begin to drag him back to his memories of that night, and he presses on a random app out of some kind of instinct.
                          
The phone falls from his shaking hands, landing onto his desk with a loud thud. His choppy breath can be heard as well as held back sobs as Evan backs away from the phone, shaking his head. It wasn't possible, it couldn't be possible.
                          
Evan dives for his laptop and phone cord.
                          
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The music was loud, the people were loud, the party was loud. Screams and laughter and bass drops roared in his ears, his hand clenched his red solo cup full of water. He had poured it himself, it was clean. His eyes searched for his friend, becoming annoyed that he had not found him yet.
                          
Eventually, Luke pushes off the wall he had leaned against and went off in search of Jonathan. He wasn't a big party goer, but he knew that a party would be the perfect way for Jonathan to try to patch things up with his ex-boyfriend. All he had to do was get to him before Tyler did.
                          
As he catches a glimpse of Jonathan by the front entrance, he also hears a pair of familiar voices.
                          
"Here's your drink." There was a smile in his voice.
                          
"No thanks, I'm good. Not really in the mood for drinking." The other boy explains.
                          
"Dude, take it."
                          
"No."
                          
Luke hears a thud and a whimper. 
                          
"I said take it."