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Yoongi knows he's selfish.
I mean he must be selfish when the thought of dying is so prominent in his everyday life, always forgetting about the people who love him.
He'll often lay in bed, the soft sound of Taehyung snoring being blocked out by his wicked thoughts. It would be so easy to slip into the darkness, to end his pain, but at the last moment Yoongi always stops. He wants to believe it's because he's a coward and dying is too scary but that's only a thought to block out the truth. Honestly, it's because of his friends. The six of them affect Yoongi immensely, and it scares the other like nothing else. His life has been filled with hurtful words, abuse, forgotten friends, and a family that could give two-shits about their son. And now, six people he's met only a couple months ago already affect him to the point where suicidal thoughts, that he's had since the age of twelve, are leaving his mind. The suicidal thoughts leaving is something Yoongi celebrates but those six boys having such a big affect on him is something that leaves a sour taste in his mouth.
That being said, when Yoongi wakes up in his bed with a warm feeling in his heart, he's frightened. Usually waking up is as much pain as forcefully throwing up, so this foreign feeling leaves Yoongi for a loss of words. But, surprisingly, Yoongi accepts this feeling with open arms, feeling too tired to argue with his mind.
By the time Yoongi has taken a shower and gets ready for another day of college and work, he realizes the reason for his happiness. Yesterday, him and his friends went out for drinks to celebrate Hoseok's one month recovery. During their meal, Yoongi actually ate and he allowed himself to eat without struggle. With his friends around he didn't even notice the way they piled food on his plate, but what's a shock is that he actually ate it all. Thinking back on last night, Yoongi doesn't regret it. Unlike most times, having a full-stomach doesn't disgust him; he actually wants to feel it again.
Pride filled Yoongi's mind, disgust non-existence.
After having two slices of toast with jelly, Yoongi is over the moon. His mind finally giving him a rest, the voices that scream hurtful words are resting and sedated. Yoongi knows this feeling won't last forever, so he soaks it up with all his power.
By the time he's almost finished with his second slice of toast, Taehyung walks into the small kitchen with a small smile on is face. Yoongi has to stop himself from mirroring Taehyung's expression but he can't. Taehyung is just so gorgeous, and cute, and-and-and-
Yoongi has to physically stop himself from thinking anything else. It's wrong to think this way about your friend, and besides Taehyung could never love someone like him. Someone as disgusted, and ugly, and, and fat. The ugly feeling has come back, stronger than ever.
Taehyung notices the gummy smile fall from his hyung's mouth, his own frown soon coming onto his face as well. "Yoongi?" He whispers the other's name, almost like he doesn't want anyone else to hear although they're the only two in the room.
"Yeah?" Yoongi's voice cracks in-between his words.
"What's wrong? And, I want you to tell me the truth, please, all I want is to help." His sweet and caring voice makes Yoongi feel terrible because he's worrying the other for no reason. His useless feelings shouldn't be troubling anyone else. Taehyung notices his hesitation and continues. "Please," Taehyung begs, "I want to help you, baby." The pet name slips out of his mouth almost naturally. Yoongi can feel his walls that's he's built up for years tumbling down.
"I...feel like I don't deserve to live." The words slip out without Yoongi putting any thought into it. He's so tired of hiding the way he feels about himself. Taehyung carefully sits Yoongi down on their worn out couch, and silently asks him to continue. With the feeling of Taehyung holding his hands, he is able to continue talking.
"I just...I don't deserve you guys." Yoongi takes time to breathe, deep breaths being taken into his lungs.
"Why would you ever feel that way?" Taehyung whispers in the seemingly silent apartment.
"Because...someone as disgusting...and fat..and-and" Yoongi can feel his throat swelling up, almost like his body is telling him to stop talking. A lump forms, and suddenly he can't breathe. Taehyung notices the sign of a panic attack forming and quickly holds the other in his embrace.
"Its okay, It's okay," Yoongi holds onto his roommate like he's his lifeline. "Deep breaths. Seven seconds in, hold for five, and exhale for six." Taehyung repeats his words until he feels the other go limp in his hold, his breathing finally returning to a normal pace. Now that the other is sedated, Taehyung can finally understand and analysis what the other said. Someone he cares so much about suffers through these thoughts? It mades him both mad, for not noticing, and sad that Yoongi, perfect, perfect, Yoongi would ever think that about himself.
"Baby, you're so perfect. I love you so much. Please, don't ever feel like you're anything else than perfect." He whispers in the other's ear, not exactly expecting a response back. Taehyung slips his hand under Yoongi's shirt, and feels the other's sunken-in rib cage. A sob is stopped in his throat, but he does tighten his hold on Yoongi.
Taehyung lifts up Yoongi's chin, and looks him right in the eye. "I'm going to take care of you now Yoongi, you won't ever feel less than perfect, I swear." Yoongi feels so emotional, no one has ever cared about him this much, he feels so loved that his heart feels like it might burst. Tears fall down his face, but the other is there to wipe them off. Finally, someone cares about him.
"Thank you so much..." He whispers, moving his face to hide in the other's neck, feeling shy.
Taehyung knows he's going have to talk to Namjoon and the others, and he'll definitely have to help Yoongi with his eating disorder, but for now, all he wants to do is sit on their worn down couch in their worn down dorm and cuddle.
