21

                                    

                                          
21
.
                          
Eileen decided to go walking early one morning, when the sun was just a faint glow above the horizon. 
                          
Harry snoozed lightly as she showered, dressed and ate her breakfast in the kitchen. They were staying at his house (nowadays they kept belongings at each other's places so they could come and go at will). Outside, the waves were rolling gently in the distance and she watched them do their dance. Eileen couldn't remember the last time she'd been away from the ocean. Her parents had taken her to London many years ago, but she couldn't remember it very well. All she knew was the quiet shoreline. 
                          
He probably knew London like the back of his hand. His words from the night before were heavy, and echoed in her mind like ghosts: 
                          
I can't hide forever.
                          
Sometimes Eileen felt like they were on a train with no brakes, going and going and going, not knowing when to stop. It was hard to see his face first thing in the morning, and in the evening right before they went to bed, and think that maybe, someday, he'd be gone. 
                          
She knew he was happy, at least for now — but what about the future? How could he be truly happy, sitting around all day waiting for her to get home? And if he got a job here, what could possibly compare to the life he knew before? How would it ever be enough? 
                          
How could she be enough for him?
                          
Realizing she'd worked herself into such a dark mood, Eileen shook the thoughts from her brain and slipped on her oversized coat. As she left through the backdoor she reached for a plastic red pail to collect sea shells in; the best time to look for them was early in the morning, when the tide was out and people hadn't combed through the sand yet. She loved shells. There was a tall glass jar she kept at home that was absolutely full of them.
                          
They made her believe in a grand design — after all, how could the world make something so beautiful by accident? 
                          
It was just like tulips. 
                          
So much beauty. 
                          
No explanation. 
                          
The cool wind hit her face as she waded across the dunes. It swept through the damp strands of her hair and sent a chill down her back, but it felt nice — it lifted the sleepiness from her body and filled her with energy to face the day. 
                          
She wanted so much to be able to go to work and enjoy what she did. She wished that someone would've told her, before all those late nights studying to be a writer, that this is where she would end up — working for her parents. 
                          
Stop that, she told herself.
                          
That was your choice, remember?
                          
She thought about Harry yet again, and if he ever could've imagined himself living on the beach with a nobody waitress like herself. She wondered what exactly made him run away in the first place. He should never feel the need to run — he should always feel safe, and loved. Nowadays she feared the public eye finding him. Maybe if they did, he would lose his sense of safety and relocate somewhere else, away from recognition, and away from her. 
                          
One by one she scooped shells into her pail. They started out whole, but as time wore on and Eileen's anxiety grew she gave up and started throwing in broken ones as well. The plastic container grew heavy in her hands, and wet sand caked her toes and the heels of her feet. 
                          
Harry was awake and waiting for her by the time she got back. 
                          
"Good morning," he said as she stepped inside. 
                          
He walked towards her like a zombie and pulled her against his bare chest, completely unaware of the weight that had settled over her heart. His arms tightened around her as he lifted her up. She didn't laugh right away, and he bounced her a few times until she did. It only lasted for a moment.