Chapter 21

                                    

                                          
There had been something he had read somewhere- maybe a video he had watched at some point- that had said he would know his feelings for someone had gotten serious when they could make an activity he usually hated, fun. Evan didn't think it was real, he didn't think a person could hold so much power over another.
                          
It was a simple gesture. 
                          
They had migrated over to Tyler's room, everyone except Evan itching to just play some video games, Evan was still recovering from earlier, but he still cracked a few smiles despite his silence. After a few rounds, everyone seemed to be pissed off at the game. Jonathan had wanted to play, having not taken it too seriously once he found out how bad he was.
                          
No one else wanted to play, he turned to Evan, holding out a controller. "Play with me?" He asked simply, his blue eyes not even pleading, but all Evan could do was compare the boy's face to that of a puppy.
                          
"Good luck, Evan hates-" Tyler stopped mid sentence as Evan stood up from where he had been sitting comfortably on Tyler's bed, walking to sit next to Jonathan, taking the controller from him.
                          
"Sure." He smiled before looking down at the controller, unsure of how to use it, his eyes flick back to Jonathan. "Um, how do I play?" Jonathan laughed, pointing to all the various buttons and explaining their functions, Evan hung on to every word, his eyes glued to the controller as Jonathan guided his hand to every button, then positioned his hands on the controller so that they were in the best position for him to use it efficiently. Evan smiled to himself as the game started, beginning to play. 
                          
It took him a few minutes to realize he was actually enjoying it, playing the video game, it was crazy, since they had never appealed to him before. This was a whole new experience, and it was because it was with Jonathan, who showed him how to play and somehow had made it fun. Evan didn't know how it worked, but it didn't matter, because he was happy, a real kind of happy.
                          
--
                          
"How did they convince me to do this?" Evan says as him and Jonathan are shoved into a hallway closet. Next to him, Jonathan shrugs. "What are we supposed to do?" Evan knows what he wants to do- kiss Jonathan- he knows what everyone else wants him to do- kiss Jonathan.
                          
"Give a TED talk." Jonathan jokes, trying to lighten the mood, seeing as Evan begins to back up against a wall, curling his hand into a fist, uncurling it after a few seconds. "Hey, it's okay, Ev, they got me too." He reaches a hand out to Evan, who froze once he head Jonathan use the nickname. "Just breathe, Evan. Why don't you tell me what happened earlier?"
                          
"I don't know." Evan answered quietly. "I was fine, then I wasn't. I don't know how to explain it." Just like earlier, he feels his hand begin to shake again, his breathing is quickened, and his legs begin to feel wobbly as he slowly collapses to the floor. Jonathan notices and catches him before he hits the ground.
                          
"I got you." Is all he says as Evan hugs him tightly, his eyes screwed shut as he gives in, letting his breath quicken until he's gasping for air. Jonathan just holds him, not saying a word. "You're okay." He says as Evan begins to let out small sniffles, burying his face into his chest, breathing in his scent. Evan lets out a small cry, the sound muffled by Jonathan's chest. "You're okay, it's alright. I got you." Jonathan runs a hand through his hair, not understanding what Evan was going through, but still wanting to help him.
                          
The two lean against a wall, Evan wrapped in Jonathan's arms as his anxiety takes control of him, sending him into a spiral of darkness, negative thoughts spread out for him like a field of beautiful flowers. Darkness as deep as the night consumes his skies, and yet, the sun still shines in the form of Jonathan's heartbeat, keeping him connected to reality in a way Evan had never felt before. 
                          
Tears cease to spill from his eyes after a while, his breathing still hastened, yet slowing as time went on. Still, Evan argued with himself.
                          
Kiss him. He couldn't.
                          
Kiss him. He shouldn't.
                          
Kiss him. He wouldn't.
                          
Kiss him. He did.
                          
Pressing the boy against the wall as the last of his anxiety subsides, Evan connects their lips without hesitation, or rather, before the hesitation takes hold of him. Dark skies still flood him, he is draped in darkness, the thoughts still brush against his legs like flowers in the wind. But, he touches the sun, feeling Jonathan begin to kiss back as they stand there, in the dark hallway closet, pressed up against the wall, wrapped in each other's arms, hands tangled in each other's hair.
                          
They pull away to breathe, Evan's eyes widening as he realized what he had done, pulling himself from Jonathan's arms, scared of what he had ruined. Scared of what he had done. He opens his mouth to apologize, but instead gets pulled into another kiss.
                          
"Don't apologize for the things you can't control." Jonathan mumbles against his lips.