024

                                    

                                          
Why can't we choose our emotion?
'Cause we could feel something's broken ~ 5 Seconds Of Summer; More 
                          
***
                          
'How are you?' 
                          
It was the most ridiculous question that existed in my eyes. Yet people ask it each other every single day, hoping to start a conversation by doing so. It must be the one question people lie about every single day. No one wants to hear that you are not doing "okay", whatever that might mean. They only want to hear that you are doing "great" so that they can continue to talk about their own lives. It gives them a certain felling of satisfaction knowing that they did ask about something that has nothing to do with their own lives. 
                          
Still, there are some wonderful people left in this world that will not take an "okay" that easily. There are still sensitive, caring people left who see right true that lie, who actually do not mind helping you get through the worst times of your life. 
                          
Maybe, just maybe my life would be completely different if I had had someone like that. Someone that would see right true my fake smiles and fake answers. Someone that would care enough to stay with me in the dark and pull me back into the light. 
                          
But that is just a maybe. I do not know how thing would have turned out either way. It did not matter any longer, especially since I finally found someone who actually cared for me: Harry Potter. I know my mother cared about me as well, I sure did. However, that was different. She was my mother, someone who would help me no matter what and that would love me unconditionally. 
                          
So when Dr. Dolan asked me "how are you?" I had to blink a few seconds before realising that she was one of those people who would not take a simple "fine" as final answer. 
                          
'Okay, I guess.' 
                          
'I must say that I was really surprised when Cecilia told me about your plan to break free,' she said, winking at me while doing so. 'But it was a pleasant surprise, most do not even care about anything anymore and if I remember well you were like that too the first time you came in here. May I ask what changed?' 
                          
The first thing that popped up in my mind was a certain boy with green eyes, but I could not tell her that. Especially since I was not even sure what was going on between the two of us. I had never felt this way about a boy before, but then again; I had never felt this way about anyone before. However, I could not deny the fact that he had a girlfriend with a heart of gold. Whatever I felt, I had to keep it to myself. His relationship was way to important for me to just interrupt it like that. Maybe Harry did not feel the same way about me that I did about him, maybe the "signals" he was sending me were all in my head. Maybe it was all a stupid fantasy that my mind had created to distract me from my real issues. 
                          
That did raise one question though. If it was all in my imagination, then why did it feel so right? So pure and special?
                          
'I feel much lighter,' I said, which was not a lie. 'Maybe our conversations are really helping. I do not feel like I have to stay hidden in the dark anymore. It feels like I can actually talk to you and express my feelings. That is just really freeing.' 
                          
'I am glad you feel that way,' she said with a some satisfaction in her voice. 'I am sure you feel relieved as well.'
                          
'I do,' I said, smiling when Harry entered my thoughts once more. I knew that I was not supposed to feel this way about him at all, I was not supposed to feel any kind of way about him. The fact that I was not even sure what I felt made me feel weird, I never had realised how things could turn out. Three weeks ago I had never imagined myself being in this place; a happy, loved place. 
                          
'Now we have to think about how to keep this feeling,' she continued. 'Your mother will be here the day after tomorrow in the afternoon as well, that must make you very nervous,' she pointed out making me nod in agreement. 'She must be delighted to see you in such a good mood again, but when she asks you if you can stay that way, what will you answer?' 
                          
'That I will try my best to stay this way,' I said. 'What if she tells you bad news about your dad? How would you cope with those feelings? Right now you might seem te be doing fine, but eventually you will have to get back in the hard world again. We should focus on how to deal with the downsides of life before you actually have to deal with that again.' 
                          
I noticed that my hands were not sweating or shaking that much anymore. I did of course feel some nerves and anxiety, but compared to the intense feelings of fear and anxiety I had felt during my first session you could say that I indeed had made some progress. 
                          
'What would you do if your mother would, for example of course, tell you that your father has been hitting her again?' 
                          
I knew she would never admit that, she never had. I knew he hit her, she knew that I was aware of that. We did however never talk about it, it was one of the many taboos our family had. 
                          
'I would get angry,' was my first response to her words. 'Then I would ask her why he did it, but she probably will not be able to answer that question because my dad is a total asshole. A man should not hit or abuse his wife like that, you know? There is nothing that can justify what he does to her, absolutely nothing.' 
                          
'I think that you are right,' she said, 'but that was not my question.' 
                          
'I would hug her,' I spoke, turning my attention to the main goal of this conversation again. 'When she leaves I will probably cry, a lot. And then I would talk about it with Harry.' 
                          
She started to write something down again, making me wonder if I had said something wrong. 'You and Harry seem to get along very well,' she spoke out. 'First I believed that you should not be involved into each others recovery, since you are here for yourself and not the other. But seeing how you have helped each other makes me realise that I was mistaken. Your friendship is truly beautiful, I even believe that you are the reason Harry finally opens up to the group and to me during our sessions. For that I want to thank you.' 
                          
A proud smile found his way to my lips realising that my presence made him open up. I felt happy that maybe, just maybe Harry would finally be okay again because my presence made him feel like it was okay to be honest. 
                          
'I should thank you,' I said, something that seemed to confuse the older women. 'For unconsciously allowing the both of us to process some of the things that happened between the two of us in the past, that really helped me and hopefully it also helped Harry.'