015

                                    

                                          
We're not lovers, we're just strangers
                          
With the same damn hunger
                          
To be touched, to be loved, to feel anything at all - Halsey; Strangers 
***
                          
My heart started to race. 
                          
My hands started to sweat. 
                          
And body started to shake. 
                          
Self-hate had taken over my mind completely. The peace I had felt not so long ago was completely gone. My hands pushed the suddenly heavy door that led to the bathroom open. Once I was inside the cold room my body immediately crept into the smallest corner. 
                          
I could not believe what had just happened. I could not believe that I would ever allow myself to come that close to a person. Especially not to someone like Harry Potter, the boy who used to hate me. Who I used to hate so much that I worked with someone that had only one purpose in life; killing him. I knew that I had followed Lord Voldemort blindly, I knew that there had been moments that I had wondered what on earth I was doing. 
                          
But that were just small moments. Moments that had meant nothing. I had never really reconsidered leaving him. Never. My parents trusted him blindly, they followed him blindly and so did I. My father and mother were the only role models I had ever had, making them proud was one of my main priorities back then. I wanted my father to be proud, I wanted him to notice me and to love me. 
                          
I could however not say that I did not have a choice back then. I did. I knew I did. There were so many moments that I could have taken control over my own life back again. The night I indented to murder Professor Dumbledore he offered a help, but I did not even reconsider taking it. He was so nice to me, even though I threatened to kill him. He had such a kind heart and all I wanted to do was to rip it out of his chest. 
                          
Maybe Harry was right, maybe my parents played no part in me being a Death-eater. Maybe it really was my personality. Maybe I was doomed to always making the same, stupid mistakes over and over again. Others had that too, only did their mistakes not end up murdering people. Kind, caring and warms souls. Souls that deserved so much more, but did not even get that change because of me. Because of my cowardice. 
                          
The door creaked softly, someone had entered the room. My first thought was that it was Harry who had followed me inside. A part of me wanted it to be him, a part of me wanted him to comfort me, to take care of me. But the other part of me knew that I did not want it to be him. He was the whole reason I felt like shit, not because of something he had done. This time it really was my own fault. 
                          
Footsteps. 
                          
They were getting closer and closer to me. I could, however, not see who they belonged to. My eyes were covered by my hands who were shaking slightly. Tears tried to escape my eyes as I got a stuffy nose. 
                          
'Draco?' I heard the person calling my name. This made my eyes look up. The voice that had called me was not Harry's, it belonged to Lucia. 'W-What are y-you doing h-here?' I asked her slightly confused. She was wearing her nightgown what gave away that she was ready to go to bed. 
                          
'I could not sleep,' she simply said before lowering herself to crawl next to me. Her back touched the wall, her shoulder mine. 'What are you doing here?' 
                          
It did not seem to bother her at all that she was in the boys-bathroom; a place she was not allowed to go to. I did however get the hint she gave me about the fact that she did not feel like talking about that, so I let it be. 
                          
'I guess that I could not sleep either,' I mumbled hoping that she would not ask any more questions. Some part of me wanted her to do just that, to ask me more, to force me to open up so that all those bad emotions could disappear. 'Then why are you crying?' the little, black-haired girl asked me softly. Her beautiful eyes found mine again, but I noticed that they did not gave me the same feeling I got when I looked into a certain pair of green ones. 
                          
'Because everything sucks,' I spoke, 'because I suck.' 
                          
'You suck?' she asked with a confused hint in her voice that she combined with a playful tone. 'I had no idea that you liked boys as well.'
                          
For a moment I starred at her with a confused expression on my face, until I realised what she meant to say. 
                          
'O dear God,' I said a little surprised by the way her brain worked. 'That is gross, now I do not think I can ever use the word "suck" again.' 
                          
'Well, you just did,' she said with a playful smile lying down her soft looking lips. I noticed again that I did not feel the same, warm and safe feeling looking at her lips that I felt when I looked at the lips of the raven-haired boy. 
                          
'You are just trying to make me think about something else,' I said after I had figured out what trick she was playing with me. 'That I am doing indeed, but it is working. Is it not?' 
                          
I smiled at her, realising that I was very lucky to have someone like her. Someone to just cheer me up for a split second. 
                          
'So,' she started again, 'do you want to talk about what made you so upset? Or would you rather talk about it with Dr. Dolan tomorrow, something I could understand since she is such a patient and kind person.' Something in the way she spoke those last words made me laugh again, this time a little more withheld. 
                          
'It is complicated..' 
                          
'It always is,' Lucia said, 'otherwise it would not hunt our minds that much.' 
                          
She was right, only complicated things could make you feel this way. My own mind made me feel incredibly bad about myself, about everything, but there was no other cure then to just talk to fix that huge problem that seemed to have taken over my whole life. 
                          
'Alright, I think I can sort of tell you what happened. But you have to promise me not to tell anyone, okay? Not even Dr. Dolan.' 
                          
'Yeah, because I have some many friends in here that I can really tell anyone. They would not even listen, well maybe Honey would but only because she loves a good gossip every now and then. It makes her feel better about herself I suppose.' 
                          
An other laugh left my lips. I did not deserve the presence of Lucia, I did not deserve her kindness. Just like I did not deserve Harry's kindness, his support. 
                          
'I hugged,' I spoke randomly. 'With Harry.'
                          
'So you might really be a sucker then,' Lucia said, although it did not make me laugh this time. Luckily she got my hint. 'Well, why is that such a bad thing?' 
                          
A deep sigh left my lips, one that seemed to echo through the empty, cold room. 'Because we have a little history together, you know. I used to bully him, he used to hate me. We once had a fight that ended with him almost killing me. I almost killed him, he almost killed me. But it is not just that, I almost killed a few friends of him as well because I supported someone that really, really hated him. Someone that wanted him dead and someone that he wanted to kill as well.' 
                          
'Alright, so if I am right I am sitting here with a almost killer?' she asked suddenly shocked. 'And I thought you and Harry were the nice and polite guys.'
                          
'It is complicated,' I mumbled. 'Are you afraid of me now? Because if you are I can perfectly understand that and I will not bother you ever again.'
                          
'A little,' she said. 'But that were your pasts, right? I was not there so I cannot really be the juge of anything that happened back then. I can however be the judge about what is happening right now and I would say let the past die. Let it go, leave it in the past were it is supposed to be. Start all over again. If it feels right to be friends, or more then that,' she spoke while winking at me, 'then be that. Find some salvation in each other. Friendship is a beautiful thing you know, do not waste it just so you get to realise how lucky you really were when it is too late.' 
                          
For a moment I did not know what to say. Her words touched me, just because she was so right. 
                          
'Thank you,' I whispered. 'Thank you so much.' After saying that I pulled her into a hug. 
                          
Even a hug felt way better with a certain raven-haired boy then with this extremely kind girl.