Cunningness And Confusion

                                    

                                          
And I'm still going because nobody has stopped me. 
                          
Severus Snape was bisexual and confused. 
He was bisexual because he was born that way. 
He was confused because his boyfriend was refusing to see that a wizard who literally had the word 'dark' in his title, wanted to kill a whole bunch of people, and delighted in torture was good. 
                          
His bisexuality and confusion were not immediately linked, although if he wasn't bisexual, but in fact straight, he would not be dating James Potter, or be confused, which would probably make life easier. 
                          
Frankly, it didn't really matter, and this whole internal debate was making him more confused (but not more bisexual) and he decided to have crumpet while he thought about things. Unfortunately his crumpet wasn't toasted through, and Severus was just thinking how his day couldn't possibly get worse, when a button fell off his shirt and rolled into a tiny crack that was for some reason nearby. 
                          
If Snape had had an ounce of common sense he could have summoned the button, but alas, he possessed not even a gram. It was a shame he didn't know what was less than an ounce in imperial measurements, but there we go, he measured out his potions using the metric scale after all. 
                          
Sighing to himself, Sev looked over to the Gryffindor table, where Sirius Black was trying to style his hair using his knife as a reflection, Peter was eating the most enormous stack of eggy bread the world had ever seen, Remus Lupin was getting distracted by his book and pouring James's tea on his shreddies. Sighing again like the tortured rich widower in a book about how a governess becomes the lady of a large estate, Sev spread blackberry jam on his second (cold) crumpet. Black like his mood, cold like his heart, second like the amount of thought he'd put into his transfiguration homework... 
 Merlin, being a tortured soul was fun. He should do this for a living. 
   But how to convince James to come to the dark side? He could tempt him with biscuits... but James already had biscuits. He could tempt him with quidditch supplies... but again James already had those. He could tempt him wi- no. James was a new money rich child who had everything he wanted. Everything except.. no he had that too. Damn James's stupid rich parents. 
                          
Sev looked back over to the Gryffindor table, where James was laughing and laughing and laughing, and Sev decided that he needed a cunning plan.
                          
A fiendish and cunning plan. 
                          
A fiendish, clever, and cunning plan. 
                          
And a whole load of liquorice wands, because planning makes you hungry, and Sev was one of those mentally confused people who liked liquorice.