EXPEL

                                    

                                          
            
                          
May 10, 2313
                          
I drank yesterday and let the demons resurrect my pains as I slept. They expel me from a nightmare to the raging pulse of a sweaty head. It's rare that I dream of her anymore, the war outside is now a more immediate threat for me to fear than the one caused by her sudden disappearance. Still, I'll take Mother any way I can. Her alive would've altered everything. Father would've let me stay in Engineering Division with Mother. Brother Aeryk would've been ecstatic at us not in competition in the same division. The familiar taste of bile rises in my mouth and sends me running towards the bathroom.
                          
Expulsion complete, I lie on the floor and wonder what Mother could have thought about my graduation. She'd have approved of drinking, but maybe not to excess. She was keen on moderation in life, the old ways of the "Enlightened Zerian." Her supposed enlightenment included the ancient belief that every Zerian is a valuable individual with inherent rights of choice. Each Zerian possesses a spiritual compass which leads them to moderate daily decisions and guides them to not harm their fellow man. Her code extended to her views on the choice of gods and respect for them. Time changes everything as it did with Zerian core beliefs. What was in fashion before is now forbidden, like the mention of her name.
                          
The heated thoughts at Father's outlawing the mention of Mother brews with Seger's attempts to outlaw any expression of myself. I shake and curl hands into fists, but Seger is not in the room. I'm sure he is sleeping peacefully as my blood hard-presses against my veins. My life is about doing what's expected, and when I take one iota for myself, it disappoints him. I can't be the version he wants all the time.
                          
My father's conversation creeps between the arguments of my thoughts. Now it's clear why I've received more private lessons and why the War Game was scheduled earlier.